In America, you can be insured against space monsters probing up yer bum. In fact, you can can get insurance for virtually anything! And the thought must be...
...is there anything you can't be insured for?
Well, yes there is, actually! The one thing that insurers would not touch is eternal infernal Hellfire insurance.
I would assume that although anal probeage by ET is quite uncommon, the rectal insertion of flaming pichforks is quite a popular pastime.
Not to mention the æons of torment listening to Dante Aguilera and the Go-Compare man via an iPod welded to the lugholes.
Also, as everyone knows, all the lawyers are cast into the furthermost nether-regions of The Pit, so although the insurers could use them to wriggle out of paying out, the eternally damned would plague insurers by hiring dæmonic LucifersLawyersPitch4ku (or, more like Morningstar-Says-4k-u).
I'm surprised insurers don't in Paradise insurance, as even if The Forgiven get whipped in the face and scarred by the snapping of a defective harpstring or break a limb toppling off a cloud, God will forgive and heal everything in Elyzian bliss. And because it's in heaven, everything's an act of God, so insurers never have to pay out!
I think I'll pitch that to Dragon's Den - all the premiums and none of the payout! Risk free! Even that Deborah Cave-Troll trout would have to invest in that!
Of course, I'd have to get by The lovechild of Gollum and Dobby the house-elf to gain access to the Cave Troll and the smarmy Smaugsters.
Let me tell them where I'M at...
