Now, there has been theftage of thatch de visage from an acquaintance of mine, who claims it blew off in the wind.
Which must have been some mighty flatulence to defollicle the facial forestry!
This prompted another, in true wild-of-hair and mad-of-eye mad geneticist stylee, to proclaim a desire to breed a race of nocturnal beard nibbling nannies.
Naturally, The Xym got rather excited at the original premise - nightly nibbles by a nanny! Even better - Mary Poppins... popping 'em out... naughty nannies gnawing on nipples...
But then it turned out the nannies in question were goats.
And goats are too large to house in a bedroom and reshape your facial furniture as you dream of does. And dears. Some mad old dears. Gay, and off their tits on rum.
So you have to have smaller goats. Younger goats, in fact. The Michaela Strachan Wac-a-day Wild club term for them being Kids.
And no-one want nibbling on the nipples in the night and being de-teated by kids¹.
The advantage of cabrito cleansing is that would naturally do away with the requirement of daily grooming², allowing the grower of soup-catcher to maintain their hirsute appearance without the hassle of accoutrements and diverse other tonsorial utensilry.
But even so, I think kids would be too large.
You'd have to get David Attenborough out of Jurassic Pork's InGen to clone an army of miniature pigmy goats - no, even better! Forget nanny goats - nanogoats!!
Nanogoats that creep out from a matchbox stable under your pillow as you slumber, and then munch upon your moustache and binge on your beard. And, for the ladies, allow them to roam your Jumanji³ - binge-ing on your brazillian bush, saving you a painful minge-waxing.
Ever wonder why a goatee is called a goatee? A-ha!
Suddenly, Rick Moronic in Honey? I shrunk the Kids! doesn't sound so fa-fetched now, does it!
Although he didn't shrink goat Kids. But he DID feed his dentist to an Audrey II, in which I could've done with his help on Tuesday morning with the replacement Hygienist. Orin Scivello? Hah! Steve Martin had nothing on Martel - who went at me ivories like Pete Martell at a 2by4 in the Packard Sawmill. With added lumberjackeries.
Hopefully Annie will be back next time.
How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
¹ UNLESS YOU'RE GARY GLITTER. IN VIETNAM.
² BUT NOT ONLINE. FOR THE GROOMING OF KIDS IS FROWNED UPON - SEE ¹ ABOVE
³ THIS BREED OF NANOGOAT ARE CASTRATED SO THEY CAN'T ACCIDENTALLY NOB YOU IN SLEEPY BEASTIALITY AND BREED A RACE OG GOAT PEOPLE. THEY ARE CALLED WETHERS, AND THEY PICK AT THE PUBES ROUND YOUR POON. YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT WETHERSPOONS WERE PUBS - NO, THEY'RE DWARVEN GOATS MUNCHING ON MINGEHAIR. NO WONDER WETHERSPOONS IS SO CHEAP - WHAT WOMAN WANTS SOME HAIRY BEARDED SATYR IN HER KNICKERS, HENCE THE CHEAP ALCOPOPS. YOU KNOW THE OLD ADAGE: BACARDI BREEZER - (half-man half-goat) PAN UP HER BEAVER!
