Drought, drought, let it all out...

And of course, when there's no rain, what do you do?

Put on a nappy, streak some make up on yer face, pluck a chicken and shove t'feathers in yer barnet, and dance about a campfire singing "a-hiya heya ho HOW! Um manitou bring um rain aiya aiya oh!" and such?

Of course not.

You marry a couple of frogs.

Simples!

Bleürk...

Apparently,

Recently,

Well, for the past couple of days,

I've been oh, so quiet.

Shhh. Shhh.

So, fuck that shit! I'm gonna be very noisy!

WAAAAAH! AAAARRRGGH! WHOOP! EXCLAIM! MAKE CONSTERNATION AND UPROAR! GENERAL SHOUTYNESS!

Happy now?

;)

Xym's list of exciting stuff (July '12)...

A list of upcoming stuffs what The Xym is sort-of looking forward to.

Jump to section:

Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Film

04 Jul 2012	The Amazing Spider-Man 3D I held off putting this on my list of exciting stuff, as another reboot of Spidey does not excite The Xym. Think I may retitle it to list of Interesting Stuff!
20 Jul 2012	The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman
27 Jul 2012	Dr Seuss' The Lorax "I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees, Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please; But I also speak for the brown Barbaloots, Who frolicked and played in their Barbaloot suits, Happily eating Truffula fruits."
17 Aug 2012	The Bourne Legacy Seems to be a reboot/remake of The Bourne Identity.
17 Aug 2012	Brave Pixar Scotch stuff!
29 Aug 2012	Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake… but ♥♥♥Kate Beckinsale♥♥♥☺ is in it…
31 Aug 2012	The Possession Women buys a box at a yard sale. And demons terrorise her. Sounds a bit Hellraisery to me!
14 Sep 2012	Resident Evil: Retribution
21 Sep 2012	Dredd Karl Urban (as Dredd) will NOT remove the helmet. Despite Olivia Thirlby playing PSI Anderson, they're fending off Lena Headey's drug gang… apparently The Dark Judges are being held back for the [potential] sequel…
28 Sep 2012	Looper Time Travel assasinatory type shennanigans
12 Oct 2012	Frankenweenie Tim Burton's full length stop-motion movie (based on his short film)
31 Oct 2012	Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
16 Nov 2012	Breaking Dawn part 2
14 Dec 2012	Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
11 Jan 2013	Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters I thought it was this year… apparently, it's next year. Bollocks.
11 Jan 2013	Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!!
08 Mar 2013	Oz: The Great & The Powerful Prequel to Wizard of Oz
15 Mar 2013	Stephen King's Carrie Chloe Grace Moretz to play Carrietta White, Julianne Moore to play Margaret White
22 Mar 2013	Jack The Giant Killer
12 Apr 2013	Evil Dead Remake in progress.
03 May 2013	Iron Man 3
10 May 2013	Pacific Rim Guillero Del Toro's Kaiju homage. Giant sea monsters awaken, only to be fought off by giant robots piloted by humans!
17 May 2013	Star Trek 2
32 May 2013	The Lone Ranger Johnny Depp as Tonto…
14 Jun 2013	Man Of Steel Zack Snyder reboots Superman…
26 Jul 2013	Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel
?? Jul 2013	Robopocalypse Spielberg adap of Daniel H Wilson Rise Of The Machines type novel
09 Aug 2013	Robocop Remake… and Robocop will have a visor so you can see Murphy's eyes/face. Gary Oldman cast (prob not as Murphy tho')
04 Oct 2013	Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For
22 Nov 2013	Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
15 Nov 2013	Thor 2
13 Dec 2013	Hobbit: There And Back Again
14 Mar 2014	Maleficent Snow White from the Queen's persepective. Angelina Jolie & Imelda Staunton now cast
04 Apr 2014	Captain America 2
29 Jun 2014	Transformers 4
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

In Development

?? ??? 2012	.[rec]4: Apocalypse
?? ??? 2012	Bill & Ted #3
?? ??? 2012	Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!!
?? ??? 2012	Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie.
?? ??? 2012	Smiley
?? ??? 2012	Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012
?? Apr 2013	Oblivion
?? ??? 2013	Day of the Triffids Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi producing
?? ??? 2013	Frozen Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen"
?? ??? 2013	Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie
?? ??? 2013	Pride and Prejudice... and Zombies
?? ??? 2013	Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford
?? ??? 2013	Short Circuit Remake. Oh Mr Johnny Five, this good news, no?
?? ??? 2013	Stephen King's The Stand Remake - latest is that it may be split into several films or another mini-series.
?? ??? 2013	Suspiria Back on again (probably without Natalie Portman now)
?? ??? 2013	The World's End Final part in Pegg/Frost's Blood & Ice Cream trilogy
23 May 2014	Planet of the Apes 2 Sequel to Tise of the Planet of the Apes being fast-tracked. Andy Serkis mo-capping again.
?? ??? 2014	Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again.
?? ??? 2014	The Night Stalker Johnny Depp as Kolchak in the film adap of the series
?? ??? 2014	Woman in Black: Angels of Death Hammer's [unnecessary] sequel to The Woman In Black set 20 years later…
?? ??? 2014	Zorro Reborn "The Fox" is rebooted!
?? ??? 2015	Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on
?? ??? ????	Atlantis Rising Comic book adap - may be a miniseries?
?? ??? ????	Beetlejuice 2 Tim Burton back at the helm, and Michael Keaton now signed on to reprise role as Beetlejuice! Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, etc
?? ??? ????	Blade Runner 2 No prequel, and Harrison Ford WON'T be in it… unless Ridley decides he can have a brief cameo.
?? ??? ????	Boy Scouts vs Zombies Jesus. It gets worse…
?? ??? ????	Carpe Diem: The Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom With a title like that, I gotta see it!
?? ??? ????	The Crow Legal details now resolved, so reboot going ahead. Can't see this being an improvement on the original.
?? ??? ????	Dinosaurs vs Aliens Barry Sonnenfield directing Grant Morrisson's adap of his graphic novel
?? ??? ????	Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie
?? ??? ????	The Graveyard Book Henry Selick adapting another Neil Gaiman book.
?? ??? ????	Hallowe'en Another reboot - can't be worse than the Rob Zombie mess
?? ??? ????	Highlander Reboot up again…
?? ??? ????	Hulk 3
?? ??? ????	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay
?? ??? ????	I Am Legend 2 How can he be a legend again? Oh, he wasn't in the first film either… JUST MAKE "I AM LEGEND" PROPERLY!
?? ??? ????	Stephen King's 'IT' Back on again! Cary Fukunaga relaces David Kajganich as writer, and becomes director. Also, it's being split into 2 movies (like the mini-series, then!)
?? ??? ????	Jitters Giant killer insects…
?? ??? ????	Kick Ass 2: Balls To The Wall
?? ??? ????	Little Shop Of Horrors Remake of the Musical version, developed by (and starring) Joseph Gordon-Levitt
?? ??? ????	Logan's Run Rumour is the remake's back on again…
?? ??? ????	Monty Python's… Untitled tale of aliens giving superpowers to a human for laughs. All the remaining Pythons… except, of course, Eric Idle who's refusing at the moment.
?? ??? ????	The Mummy Part of Universal's 100 year celebrations, another reboot
?? ??? ????	Neuromancer Adap of William Gibson novel
?? ??? ????	Night Of The Living Tim Burton & Seth Grahame-Smith developing
?? ??? ????	Pinocchio Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto). Or, maybe not Burton now - rumour is that Guillermo del Toro has taken over, with Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Waits. In 3D
?? ??? ????	Poltergeist Sam Raimi remaking
?? ??? ????	Here There Be Monsters 18th Century sea monster stuff
?? ??? ????	Shadow of the Colossus Adaptation of the game
?? ??? ????	Time After Time Remake of the 80s classic - Jack The Ripper escapes to modern times in HG Wells Time Machine, chased by… HG Wells himself!
?? ??? ????	Timecrimes US Remake of the Spanish classic
?? ??? ????	Triplets! Sequel to Twins! Schwarzenegger and DeVito discover their long-lost Brother (Eddie Murphy)… Recently confirmed by DeVito as actually being in development. Oh dear….
?? ??? ????	X-Men: First Class 2 Given the go-ahead.
?? ??? ????	Van Helsing Reboot, with Tom Cruise as Van Helsing…
?? ??? ????	Venom Spidey-Man spin off
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Blu-Ray

02 Jul 2012	John Carter
09 Jul 2012	Absentia Daid Lynch style spooky strangeness!
20 Aug 2012	Puppetmaster
27 Aug 2012	Walking Dead (Series 2)
27 Aug 2012	War of the Worlds Series 2 of the 1989 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only)
30 Aug 2012	War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D.
09 Oct 2012	Little Shop Of Horrors: The Intended Cut CONFIRMED. 2 discs, Theatrical cut & Director's Cut, packaged in a 40 page book. Directors cut has the original ending, in color, mastered from the original color negatives!
15 Oct 2012	American Horror Story (series 1)
?? Oct 2012	Evangelion 3.33: Quickening
09 Sep 2012	Cabin In The Woods
17 Sep 2012	Avengers Assemble
24 Sep 2012	Resident Evil: Damnation
?? ??? 2012	Blade Runner 30th Anniversary Edition
?? ??? 2012	War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary
?? ??? ????	Kill Bill Redux Volumes 1 & 2 re-edited into one movie
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

TV

?? Jul 2012	Sinbad
?? Sep 2012	Revolution From the creators of Lost & Supernatural. An EMP wipes all power on earth. Forever. Post-apocalyptic type shennanigans?
31 Oct 2012	Secret Of Crickley Hall Showing in UK on: BBC
Autumn 2012	Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start)
Latter 2012	Primeval: New World
Latter 2012	Walking Dead (Series 3)
?? ??? 2012	American Horror Story (series 2) To be set in the 1960s. In a loony bin… sorry, Asylum. To be an anthology series…
?? ??? 2012	The Best Possible Taste BBC4 - 90min Kenny Everett Biopic
?? ??? 2012	Sinbad New mini-series
?? ??? ????	A.L.F. Yes, they're bringing back ALF from 1980s Melmak…
?? ??? ????	American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Produced by Tom Hanks.
?? ??? ????	Bates Motel Psycho: Norman Bates, The Early Years… oh dear…
?? ??? ????	Exorcist: The Beginning Spin-off series
?? ??? ????	Game Of Thrones (series 3) Filming begins May/June 2012
?? ??? ????	Gotham
?? ??? ????	Grimm (Series 2)
?? ??? ????	Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK
?? ??? ????	Stephen King's Under The Dome Scripted by one of the writers of Lost…
?? ??? ????	Mockingbird Lane Remake of The Munsters. Eddie Izzard as Grandpa, Jerry O'Connell as Herman, Mason Cook as Eddie
?? ??? ????	New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!!
?? ??? ????	Once Upon A Time (Series 2)
?? ??? ????	666 Park Avenue
?? ??? ????	Space 2099 Yes, they're rebooting Gerry Anderson's Space 1999 in a new century…
?? ??? ????	Star Wars: Underworld
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Music

06 Aug 2012	Futile Combat Skeletal Family Re-Issue with extra tracks
05 Nov 2012	War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-recording of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. This Is NOT the live concert/show, but a new vision of the original concept album Richard Burton replaced with Liam Neeson David Essex replaced by The Kaiser Chief's Ricky Wilson
?? ??? 2012	Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant New Album... indefinately delayed? Although, the October tout is labelled the Blueblack Hussar tour... release to coincide with the tour? Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy
?? ??? 2012	Made Glorious The March Violets New Album!
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Gigs

13 Jul 2012	Adam Ant Ipswich
07 Sep 2012	Gary Numan Norwich UEA
16 Sep 2012	The Cult Londinium - Wembley arena Support from The Mission AND Killing Joke! 5 day tour: 11th - Newcastle Radio Arena 12th - Sheffield Motorpoint Arena 14th Manchester Arena 15th Birmingham LG Arena
30 Sep 2012	John Cooper-Clarke Norwich Arse Centre
03 Oct 2012	Ultravox Ipswich Regent
22 Oct 2012	Lacuna Coil Norwich WhatACunt
25 Oct 2012	Hazel O'Connor Norwich WhatACunt
26 Oct 2012	Bat For Lashes Norwich UEA
31 Oct 2012	Fields of the Nephilim Shepherd's Bush Empire Moved due to the cancellation of the Sonisphere festival
11 Nov 2012	3OH!3 Norwich WhatACunt
21 Nov 2012	Adam Ant Norwich UEA
30 Nov 2012	The Damned Norwich UEA
11 Dec 2012	Human League Norwich UEA
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Games

31 Oct 2012	Assassins Creed III
?? Oct 2012	Silent Hill: Book of Memories
20 Nov 2012	Resident Evil 6
?? ??? 2012	Animal Crossing 3Ds
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Books

?? Aug 2012	No Sharks in the Med and Other Stories Lumley, Brian 1. Fruiting Bodies, 2. The Sun, the Sea, and the Silent Scream, 3. The Picnickers, 4. The Viaduct, 5. The Luststone, 6. The Whisperer, 7. No Sharks in the Med, 8. The Pit-Yakker, 9. The Place of Waiting, 10. The Man Who Killed Kew Gardens, 11. My Thing Friday, 12. The Disapproval of Jeremy Cleave
06 Sep 2012	The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert
?? Nov 2012	Blake's 7: Archangel Harrison, Scott New B7 novel set between series 2 episodes 6 (Trial) and 7 (Killer)
?? ??? 2012	The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age Rankin, Robert
?? ??? 2012	e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian - in negotiations
?? ??? 2012	Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian
01 Jan 2013	Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J.
13 May 2013	Blood of Dragons Robin Hobb
?? ??? ????	The Chickens of Atlantis and other Foul and Filthy Fiends Rankin, Robert
?? ??? ????	The Crow Shirley, John. New graphic Mini-series, set in Tokyo
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Audiobooks

31 Aug 2012	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally
?? Feb 2013	Retromancer Robert Rankin adaptation in 13 half-hour episodes. To be aired on BBC Radio Feb 2013
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #3 1. [tba], 2. [tba], 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow, Michael Keating, Jan Chappell, Stephen Greif & Jacqueline Pearce reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon, Vila Restal, Cally, Travis and Servalan
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #4 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #5 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #6 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Cancelled

Cancelled	Dirk Gently Second series dropped
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

In Limbo

IN LIMBO	Akira Production once again halted…
IN LIMBO	At The Mountains Of Madness Guillerro Del Toro's plans are ruined. Ridley Scott's Prometheus is more-or-lese the same concept.
IN LIMBO	Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick
IN LIMBO	Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski
IN LIMBO	Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding.
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter
IN LIMBO	Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time"
IN LIMBO	Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months
IN LIMBO	Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director
IN LIMBO	Ninja Turtles Thankfully had the plug pulled for now!
IN LIMBO	Power of the Dark Crystal Sequel to The Dark Crystal Back on hold as of 21 Feb 2012, as OmniLab cut all funding due to the failure of their crap film 'The Killer Elite'. The Henson Group may speak to them later in 2012 about further development, or seek a new partner, or can the whole project. Again.
IN LIMBO	Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down.
IN LIMBO	Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America.
IN LIMBO	Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Last month

?? Jun 2012	Before Watchmen Shameless cash-in against the wishes of Alan Moore. And just about everyone else.
29 Jun 2012	Storage 24 Serial killing space monsters stalk teens locked in a warehouse…
25 Jun 2012	Howl's Moving Castle/Tales From Earthsea Double movie pack
25 Jun 2012	Ghost Rider 2
21 Jun 2012	Whispers Under Ground Aaronovitch, Ben (Rivers of London #3)
20 Jun 2012	Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 3D
18 Jun 2012	The Woman In Black
17 Jun 2012	Frankenstein (live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Johnny Lee Miller as The Creation for this performance
14 Jun 2012	Frankenstein (live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Benedict Cumberbatch as The Creation for this performance
11 Jun 2012	Blood Car
08 Jun 2012	The Pact
08 Jun 2012	The Inkeepers
06 Jun 2012	Bedlam (Series 2) Showing in UK on: Sky Living
04 Jun 2012	Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks and the Last Seven Days of Laura Palmer NOT the restored version, and not with the David Lynch approved score. Boo!
04 Jun 2012	Return of the Living Dead Rescheduled
04 Jun 2012	Eraserhead
04 Jun 2012	Dune David Lynch version - unsure which cut(s) are included yet
04 Jun 2012	Babycall
01 Jun 2012	Snow White & The Huntsman
01 Jun 2012	Prometheus 3D Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. The 'Space Jockey' from Alien is featured in the new trailer, so it's part of the Alien mythos anyways.
01 Jun 2012	Pout At The Devil Norwich WhatACunt
Jump to section:	Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- Cancelled --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

In an octopussy ladygarden in the shave...

...when she'd dead.

Honestly, some spelunking spunkbanks deserve everything they get!

First of all, the miserable old trout get some other bint drownded. Then she gets all  uppity. Then she gets someone else deaded. Then she refuses to wear a dead chicks lyra outfit in case she gets another bird's flangebatter all over her minge. Then she gets stuck - ha! But the haggard ole trout refuses to be aqually corpsified. Funny how NO-ONE ELSE wants to go back and make sure she's OK.

But she gets out of the tight hole, and promptly has to be stripped all nudie and put under a blanket and be shagged into warmth by her boyfriend. All because she couldn't bear the touch of another womans quimjuice against her One Armed Bandit Fingering Slut Machine.

And then, THEN, she moans. And moans. And moans.

And not because she's being nobbed up the wrong'un beneath the bacofoil. Just general whiney whingeness!

And then, the dozy mare can't even be arsed to tie her hair back! So, inevitably, it gets stuck in the wheels. "Don't use yer knife - you'll cut your rope!"

So the silly sod uses her knife, promptly cuts her rope, and falls into the mælstrom, sucked off into the icy depths.

And good riddance too!

Only to resurface later, when her boyfriend nicked all the breathers to locate her body, for a spot of secretive necrophilia in the dark caverns!

Cave diving?

Maggoty muff diving, more like!

Take my hand, Disco Nan...

...coz I'm Wayne Roonie and I hope you's a prozzie!

Ah, the delights of random shufflage with footy and word associative type 'tings, innit!

This is a local shop, for non-local people...

Not content with lightening my wallet with import duties, the DHL are having yet another laugh at my expense.

First - delivery card thru the door - no problem, I can pick it up easy enough. Hold up - what's that writ big on the card?

"There is a Duty / Vat charge to be paid. £22.21p". 

Underlined. 

Twice. 

And circled.

No way, José! They wouldn't release it unless I paid up - the fact it's being delivered proves I paid it already, otherwise it wouldn't have been released, you tricksy thieving bastards! I know your game - try and blag extra cash eh! Well, I have my invoice number, so Up Yours Matey Boy!

Oh well, off to pick it up! Google sez there's a DHL nearby! Nip across the road, skip past Funky Monkeys, jaunt over Vulcan Road and there it be! But the card map doesn't show the Vulcan Road depot. Dry Drayton? Well, I'll be over Drayton way(ish) tomorrow. Better just ring up and let them know I'm coming...

"Hi. It's The Xym. My package arrived, but it sez I still have a duty charge (despite paying it online), but can I pick it up now from my local office"
"No problem! Let me take your Waybill number... yep - your local Service Centre is open til 7!"
"Oooh great! Can you confirm where it is. It should be just across the road from me, but it seems to say Drayton on the card?"
"Ah, that's Dry Drayton. It's in Everard. In Cambridge."
"Eh? But my local DHL is in Catton, Norwich! How come it's gone all the way to Cambridge?"
"Well, DHL is split into 2 companies. DHL which deals in freight, and DHL which deals in packages. Our sub company handles the packages aspect, and the local depot for Norwich is in Cambridge. Can you come and collect at all..."

Cambridge? Local for Norwich? You can't get more local for Norwich than NORWICH. Unless I'm missing something.

Oh, I am. I'm MISSING MY PACKAGE!

And I don't mean my trouser bulge.

Good job I'm off tomorrow so I can have it redelivered. Probably end up arriving in a polkadot 'kerchief knotted to a stick, slung o'er the back of an urchin peddlar on a mule. It had better turn up before I have to leave for barnet trimmage... 

I have my invoice number for me ePayment, so just let the "local" bumpkin try and fleece me for more of my hard earned pennies! Yes, that IS a dagger in my package, and I'm NOT best please to see you!

Growl, seethe and fume!

With a little bit of THIS, and a little bit of THAT...

Urgh!

I think I may have me first ever hangover.

First drink: Pint o'cider with 2 shots of Goldschlager and a shot of cherry sambuca in. Nom...ish!

Second drink: Cheeky Vimto with vanilla vodka and the-something-else-I-can't-recall.

No drinks mixer or cocktail expert, me!

Although a tasty, yet cheeky, little number, it did induce a somewhat huge depressive bout of misery, and severely impede my mojo somewhat!

AND my so-called stalker isn't as stalkery as made out! In fact, not to much Stalkery Xym as Ignore The Xym Entirely And Not Even Glance At Them.

Unless my identification of The Stalker is different to the one who actually spoke to The Stalker and identified the Pretty as such.

So perhaps who I think it is may just be wishful thinking (isn't it always, Xym?), and the one who is actually enamoured of me is someone totally different (ha! as if anyone would be enamoured of The Xym, great bloated fat visually challenged trollbag that he is! THAT'S wishful thinking).

Nope - just couldn't get into it last night. So I left early for a burger.

And some feckers nicked the burger van and it's vendors!

And then I has to wait for the taxi whilst yound men pass by announcing "You! I know you! You're always in Starbucks of a morning, by the window!"

How come hot nubile young Pretties never notice me in mah window, and come chat me up down The WhatACunt? WHY is it always young men eager to get to know my acquaintance?

Oh well, c'est la vie (that's French for "Oh well, where's the lavvy". No not French - Hot Irish Pretties B*Witched language. Apparently they'll show me theirs if I show them mine. In a tree. Ha! I just bet I'd get arrested if I took them up on THAT offer!)

It's a nice day for a White Wedding...

Or, in my case, it's a nice day to be out weeding.

"Keep that date free!"

Yeah, I has done.

So where's me wedding invite? Lost in post? Surely a reception invite... Facebook event... no... nothing?

Well, at least someone loves me!

Me!

Postman Pat is a cash grasping twat...

Import duty!

Damn them Customs blokes - seems there's a custom to charge you millions of quids just for ordering some American stuff!

Danish glossies, Swedish films, hard drugs - you name it, it all gets snuck in. Or confiscated by customs and destroyed... and "destroyed" is Urban Dictionary speak for shagging, so obviously "confiscated" for a Stag Do, or special home use.

But not me - oh no. Order a couple of T-Shirts, badges, a hip flask and some costumery, and it's Make Xym Pay time!

And to be doubly awkward - let it go through customs. Let it go through all East Midlands. Then get some jobsworth git in Cambridge to slap a fine on it and refuse to let it leave Cambridge!

At least try and deliver it to Norwich! I could pay at home, or at the handy depot round the corner! But not, it goes to the officious despot across the border!

And they don't even have the courtesy to let you know! You only find out it's been retained on payment of fees by checking the DHL tracker!

And I bet they bank with NatWest, so even if my HSBC payment goes through, it won't be released for a million years when their systems get sorted. Or, knowing my luck at the moment, take it out of my account and not register it with DHL, further delaying my package and probably incurring further holding fines for not picking it up or something.

At least, I hope it's my collectables, and not a vampire from South Africa! If he doesn't know the procedure for approaching a humpbacked bridge¹, I have my Fairy Liquid handy. He's messing with The Big Boys now!

¹APPROACH THE HUMPBACKED BRIDGE WITH CAUTION AND CHECK BOTH REAR VIEW MIRRORS. IF THE ROAD IS CLEAR YOU SHOULD RIP OUT THE VIRGIN'S THROAT AND...

Wella, wella, wella MOOSE...

Tell me more, tell me more...

Well, I will!

Ballkicky man Wayne Rooney is in The Papers. Granny Prozzie Shagging again? Kicking a ball again? Gobbing again? Foul mouth rant again? Being all gorillary ugly Shrek again?

No - even stranger news!

His secret to scoring goals! Not just Swing Leg, Kick Ball, Ball Go Forward. Kick Ball Hard At Gap Between Sticks With Fishing Net In. Punch/Kick Other Players If Ref Not Looking.

No - his alleged "sporting talent" doesn't even exist! Guess what the illiterate dumbass puts his game down to...

Wearing hair gel.

Yes. He reckons it's all down to wearing a certain brand of gel in his barnet. Or, more accurately, smearing it over the stubbly excuse of 5pm shadow he calls hair!

Now, apart from being TOTALLY MENTAL for thinking wearing hair gel equates to being good at kickyball, why is he even bothering to use it?

His "hair" is so short, gel has no effect. Heck - he can't style anything with it, and besides, running about a big field shouting racist abuse would get him all sweaty, and it would strip any gel out of his follicles, leaving it plastered to his neanderthal homo-thuguss skull.

Not to mention the  11 sweaty blokes all showering together afterwards, rising out the goal enhancing gel. Probably replacing it with more man-gel, like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.  

Well, The Xym uses V05 extra hold hairspray on his barnet - that must be why he's such a talent of wit, wisdom, and general all-round fab, top bloke! 

Ah - THAT's why I have no luck with the ladies! It's the shampoo, increasing my shyness! Of course! Shampoo - Shyness.

Still, better a shampoo on your hair than a real one! Unless you want to attract the alleged "two girls one cup" types (which I'm convinced is a myth perpetuated by Rude Tube on the tellybox. Cake Fart, yes. Octopus Girl - not been able to access. 2 girls 1 cup - doesn't exist! It's like Pig Botherer on Channel 5 - it's all over The Net & The Papers... but can you find ANYONE who's seen it? Even the devout devotees who watched it religiously don't watch it! In fact, try and find anyone who even knew Pig Botherer is on at the moment... well... after the second eviction... and that was only because they forgot to change channel after Once Upon A Time!)

Gel inducing talent my best hat!

They call me fab, they call me Xymni...

...they gives me an Award!

Well, a shared award.

For being dead ace in the release.

And I also gets an honourable mention of being the only one with a truly fabulous name!

Hooray for everyone's hard work!

But I'VE got the most fantastic name in Aviva!

Chips for tea, CHIPS FOR TEA...

...the kind they don't serve in magazines!

For they DON'T FIT!

Yeah, get a grope on, for voucher entitles thee to a banquet of large chips, large fishie, and a can of guzzly fizz.

And when they say large, they don't mean large. They mean LARGE.

A towering... tower... of taters. More spuds than you can shake a stick at. A vast mountain of golden chips that would defeat even the great Adam Richmond.

And the fishie - that be no fishie! Hyre be sea monsters! A battered behemoth of the deep, weighing a million tonnes.

And times that by three!

With another Pyramid Of Kheops (Kheops is Gyppo for chips, don'cha know!) and a veggie bleurgh-er.

And to think, one portion would feed ALL FOUR!

I'd like to move it, move it.
I'd like to move it, move it.
I'd like to move it, move it.But I can't, coz it's ballasted me out and busted me plimsoll line, rendering me a sunken vessel unable to rise from the depths of the sofa.