People often ask me "Xym, how do you get it up, and keep it up?"
And after I furnish them with erectile revelations, they retort: "No, your hair. Your hair - how do you get it all straighty and upright, and how do you get it that color?"
Well, One would've thought that most peoples would be fully conversant in the application of bleaches, dyes, straighteners and hairsprays! However, it seems that apparently, my barnet requires a much more improbable method of colorization and verticality.
So, here is the definitive method to get the now legendary Xym mane of mohicanescent plumage.
So, first, we have to lighten the top half. This is easily done. Firstly, you will need to hammer two dirty great steel D-rings into the joists in your kitchen ceiling. Then fill a bucket with bleach (Domestos is best). Then, step into a pair of sturdy boots with knee suspensers and bung a meat hook into the heel of each boot.
Now the tricky part. Put the bucket directly under the D-rings. Clamber up a nearby ladder, and slip the protuding hooks in your bootheels into the D-rings and slip off the ladder. You will now be all a-dangle, upsidey-down above the bucket. Your hair will naturally fall downwards and into the bucket! Get a friend or partner to place books/magazines under the bucket until the bleach covers the requisite amount of hair.
Now you just have to hang about for 30-45 mins.
Carefully disengage yourself from your hook-based apparatus and nip into the shower to give your ringlets a rinsing. And hey-presto! One base plate of two-toned hair!
Now for coloring it in!
Simply take the dye of your choice, and using a paintbrush (or roller), paint the bleachy bits with the color. Leave for 30 mins and re-shower yer barnet - who-hoo, you now have the basic Xym uncolored lowery bit, and the lovely colory bit!
And now the tiresome element!
Shift the bucket of bleach, and re-invert youself in the D-Rings. Slather some Gel into your lovely locks and comb it through. Gravity will once again make your mane tumble to the floor. Now the clever bit - remember how I said to put your D-Rings into the kitchen ceiling? Put the oven on! The warmth from the oven will dry your dangling dampened dreadlocks, thus setting it into the vertical tower of tremendousness!
For a full, even, mohican, simply keep SLOWLY nodding your head - the back and forth motion will dry your hair into an even fan!
Finally, once your hair has set, once again disentangle yourself from the D-Rings, TURN THE OVEN OFF (safety first), and admire your perfect perriwig in the mirror.
Job dob!
It's as simple as that.
So don't ask me again.
