Tell me more, tell me more...
Well, I will!
Ballkicky man Wayne Rooney is in The Papers. Granny Prozzie Shagging again? Kicking a ball again? Gobbing again? Foul mouth rant again? Being all gorillary ugly Shrek again?
No - even stranger news!
His secret to scoring goals! Not just Swing Leg, Kick Ball, Ball Go Forward. Kick Ball Hard At Gap Between Sticks With Fishing Net In. Punch/Kick Other Players If Ref Not Looking.
No - his alleged "sporting talent" doesn't even exist! Guess what the illiterate dumbass puts his game down to...
Wearing hair gel.
Yes. He reckons it's all down to wearing a certain brand of gel in his barnet. Or, more accurately, smearing it over the stubbly excuse of 5pm shadow he calls hair!
Now, apart from being TOTALLY MENTAL for thinking wearing hair gel equates to being good at kickyball, why is he even bothering to use it?
His "hair" is so short, gel has no effect. Heck - he can't style anything with it, and besides, running about a big field shouting racist abuse would get him all sweaty, and it would strip any gel out of his follicles, leaving it plastered to his neanderthal homo-thuguss skull.
Not to mention the 11 sweaty blokes all showering together afterwards, rising out the goal enhancing gel. Probably replacing it with more man-gel, like Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary.
Well, The Xym uses V05 extra hold hairspray on his barnet - that must be why he's such a talent of wit, wisdom, and general all-round fab, top bloke!
Ah - THAT's why I have no luck with the ladies! It's the shampoo, increasing my shyness! Of course! Shampoo - Shyness.
Still, better a shampoo on your hair than a real one! Unless you want to attract the alleged "two girls one cup" types (which I'm convinced is a myth perpetuated by Rude Tube on the tellybox. Cake Fart, yes. Octopus Girl - not been able to access. 2 girls 1 cup - doesn't exist! It's like Pig Botherer on Channel 5 - it's all over The Net & The Papers... but can you find ANYONE who's seen it? Even the devout devotees who watched it religiously don't watch it! In fact, try and find anyone who even knew Pig Botherer is on at the moment... well... after the second eviction... and that was only because they forgot to change channel after Once Upon A Time!)
Gel inducing talent my best hat!
