...well, more fat as Pat Butcher's..., well just as fat as Pat, really!
And why is she patting butchers? Surely all that ended with Benny Hill, and besides, not all carvers of cadavers for slicing of steaks are all bald of pate.
And if the butcher is serving up paté, then I'll go for Pat B.
But not Pat Butcher.
Which is also a song by Chaz & Dave, although they draw it out somewhat so it end up sounding like Buuuuurrrrrrtcha!
Of course not! It was gertcha self a rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabbit, rabid rabbits...
Apparently, she (the Farmer's wife) has more rabbits than Sainsbury's. Mayhap lupine husbandry is her secondary talent to rodent tail removal by use of carving knives.*
Although if her husband's a wabbit, he must be the 6ft one they cast in Donnie Darko to shoot out his mixamatosis'd eye so his soul can soar back through to Space Time continuum so he could see that film at the cinema wot he missed first time around.
"Donnie, Donnie, I love you! But we've only for 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds to save the Earth!"
Flash! Ah-aaah!
Now with flashGuard and Bleach action!
Don't tell Bazzer...
* AND HOW COME THE EVIL COW IS POURING FURTHER AGONIES ON ALREADY CRIPPLED MOUSES? BAD ENOUGH ALL THREE COINCIDENTALLY BEING BLIND, BUT TO FURTHER IMPEDE THEM SHE LOPS OFF THEIR TAILS! IT'S LIKE GOING TO THE ACADEMY FOR THE BLIND, FINDING THREE SIGHTLESS SOULS, AND TAKING A CHAINSAW TO THEIR NOBS!
AND THEY TEACH THIS IN SCHOOLS!!
ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, MAINLY TO POSH KIDS TO PLAY ON THE FLUTE, AND PREPARE THEM FOR THE HUNT WHEN THEY GO BACK TO THEIR MANSION. "RAH RAH RAH, SLICE OFF THE FOXES TAIL TARQUIN, JUST LIKE THE FARMERS WIFE."
OR TO STEREOTYPICAL COUNCIL CHAVSCUM TO PLAY ON THE RECORDER (ALTHOUGH DUE TO COUNCIL CUTBACKS, IT'S A COMB WITH A SQUARE OF ANDREX DRAPED OVER IT THESE DAYS).
Saturday, 31 May 2008
Friday, 30 May 2008
In space, no one can eat ice cream...
Now, these scientific greybeards clearly sit around in their own filth, for who else could design interstellar dwelling accomodation with one, lone, solitary bog with no thought to the consequences of lavatorial breakdown?
Typically, the dumpstation aboard the spacestation broke'd down, so now there's a whole bunch of astronauts floating with floaters in zero-gravity cesspits, awaiting a plumber with a new pump.
Now, it's bad enough trying to get a plumber round on our own planet, let alone in elliptical planetary orbit !
"Clearly having a working toilet is a priority for us," said Scott Higginbotham of NASA. - Higginbotham? Surely a missprint, and should be Mingingbottom after a weeks worth of excretory excess with nowhere to go!
One would assume, though, that with nowhere to void their bowels, they must go on some spacewalk, drop their spacesuit bottoms and launch their golden rapiers into the atmosfear. Shooting stars of shite shine in the skies as turds tumble from the heavens.
UFOs (Unidentified Fecal Objects) splatter the windscreen of visiting Venusian afterburner vehicles as they traverse between the spheres, prohibiting the view and making them crash down in Nevada deserts, where the Space Beasties have to blend in by donning Elvis costumes and pretending to be Nicholas Cage.
Take my love, take my land
But they can nick your toilet roll...
* STRANGE THING ABOUT THE WORD BURN - IN ITALICS IT LOOKS LIKE BUM. AND IF THEM ASTRONUTS ARE BUMMING THE TURDS, THERE'S DEFO SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY. STILL, AT LEAST THEY HAVE THEIR BEARDS OF GREY HUE IN CASE OF THERE'S A LACK OF BOTTY WIPING PUPPIES ABOUT...
Typically, the dumpstation aboard the spacestation broke'd down, so now there's a whole bunch of astronauts floating with floaters in zero-gravity cesspits, awaiting a plumber with a new pump.
Now, it's bad enough trying to get a plumber round on our own planet, let alone in elliptical planetary orbit !
"Clearly having a working toilet is a priority for us," said Scott Higginbotham of NASA. - Higginbotham? Surely a missprint, and should be Mingingbottom after a weeks worth of excretory excess with nowhere to go!
One would assume, though, that with nowhere to void their bowels, they must go on some spacewalk, drop their spacesuit bottoms and launch their golden rapiers into the atmosfear. Shooting stars of shite shine in the skies as turds tumble from the heavens.
UFOs (Unidentified Fecal Objects) splatter the windscreen of visiting Venusian afterburner vehicles as they traverse between the spheres, prohibiting the view and making them crash down in Nevada deserts, where the Space Beasties have to blend in by donning Elvis costumes and pretending to be Nicholas Cage.
Take my love, take my land
take me where I cannot stand
I don't care, I'm still free
you can't take the sky from me
take me out, to the black
perhaps there I can do a cack
burn* my turds, and boil my pee
you can't take the sky from me
There's no place for faeces
since we broke our lava-t'ry
you can't take the sky from me
But they can nick your toilet roll...
* STRANGE THING ABOUT THE WORD BURN - IN ITALICS IT LOOKS LIKE BUM. AND IF THEM ASTRONUTS ARE BUMMING THE TURDS, THERE'S DEFO SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY. STILL, AT LEAST THEY HAVE THEIR BEARDS OF GREY HUE IN CASE OF THERE'S A LACK OF BOTTY WIPING PUPPIES ABOUT...
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Love in an elevator...
...and if you can't get lurve, then it'll have to be a golden shower!
See, we have nice, plush offices with smart lifts. Clearly, the news of us being shunted out into the 1970s backwater of St Peters House has enraged someone, for there was a slight whiff of the lavatorial about the elevator.
Taking a whizz in a steel lined council scum estate lift with accompanying graffiti is all well and good, but not in pleasant surroundings!
I mean, what would they do if they were entrapped within Willy Wankers Great Glass Elevator? I have no desire to see willies and pissflaps streaming forth and putting me off my heathy bacon sarnie as I perambulate past!
Take heed, urinators within transparent enclosures, and remember the old adage:
People in glass houses
I think I'll get the cleaners to put in a dispenser unit so that there is always plenty of TenaLadies availiable....
...although I wonder what's on offer from a FiverLady...
See, we have nice, plush offices with smart lifts. Clearly, the news of us being shunted out into the 1970s backwater of St Peters House has enraged someone, for there was a slight whiff of the lavatorial about the elevator.
Taking a whizz in a steel lined council scum estate lift with accompanying graffiti is all well and good, but not in pleasant surroundings!
I mean, what would they do if they were entrapped within Willy Wankers Great Glass Elevator? I have no desire to see willies and pissflaps streaming forth and putting me off my heathy bacon sarnie as I perambulate past!
Take heed, urinators within transparent enclosures, and remember the old adage:
People in glass houses
Should pull the blinds
When removing their trousers
I think I'll get the cleaners to put in a dispenser unit so that there is always plenty of TenaLadies availiable....
...although I wonder what's on offer from a FiverLady...
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Durm und strang...
They ain't half inconsiderate these mad scientists and receators of papal wines!
How many were out last night, waking me up with their tumultuous cacaphony? For heavens sake, all they need is a couple of jump leads with a plug attached bunged into a nearby socket!
Instead, there's all this heaving and creaking as they raise up their masterwork to the heavens, to attract bolts of electrickery whilst their Egor gamboles about in manic glee. Much professorial cackling abounds, as Herr Doktor intones the now legendary "Live! Live" whilst tugging on his "We Belong Dead" lever (oo-er missus!).
How's I supposed to get some sleep when Norfolk nob-ends are raising hybrid humanoids atop the turrets* of Caistor Castle, with the resulting chimeric monstrosities taking refuge in the windmills about the Broads.
They thought me mad...
* "BLOODY {WANKER} TOWERS ON {ARSEHOLES} CASTLE INDEED", SAID A PASSING BLOKE WITH TURRETS SYNDROME...
How many were out last night, waking me up with their tumultuous cacaphony? For heavens sake, all they need is a couple of jump leads with a plug attached bunged into a nearby socket!
Instead, there's all this heaving and creaking as they raise up their masterwork to the heavens, to attract bolts of electrickery whilst their Egor gamboles about in manic glee. Much professorial cackling abounds, as Herr Doktor intones the now legendary "Live! Live" whilst tugging on his "We Belong Dead" lever (oo-er missus!).
How's I supposed to get some sleep when Norfolk nob-ends are raising hybrid humanoids atop the turrets* of Caistor Castle, with the resulting chimeric monstrosities taking refuge in the windmills about the Broads.
They thought me mad...
* "BLOODY {WANKER} TOWERS ON {ARSEHOLES} CASTLE INDEED", SAID A PASSING BLOKE WITH TURRETS SYNDROME...
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Windows AutoUpdate...
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Rugby 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancé 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreesexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your assets before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please...
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Rugby 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancé 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0.
While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreesexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your assets before uninstalling itself.
Help requested please...
Monday, 26 May 2008
A double dose of Hilary’s Wank...
How come these amazing big budget movies of the present can't afford the same limitless offerings of the past.
Take "The Reaping", starts of with the plague of 2 rats, followed by the plague of solitary dead frog.
In comparison, take "Frogs" which seems to incorporate more amphibious reptilia than you can shake a stick at (and believe me, both Clint and Pickett waved few stout sticks about!)
What gets me though, is a film that is called called Frogs, that depicts a giant frog on the cover with a human arm hanging out it's gob, doesn't even have the aforementioned giant killer frogs! There's death by snake,
gator, spider, geckos (using poison) and turtles, but no death by frog!
I wants me money back!
Take "The Reaping", starts of with the plague of 2 rats, followed by the plague of solitary dead frog.
In comparison, take "Frogs" which seems to incorporate more amphibious reptilia than you can shake a stick at (and believe me, both Clint and Pickett waved few stout sticks about!)
What gets me though, is a film that is called called Frogs, that depicts a giant frog on the cover with a human arm hanging out it's gob, doesn't even have the aforementioned giant killer frogs! There's death by snake,
gator, spider, geckos (using poison) and turtles, but no death by frog!
I wants me money back!
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Jugs down the pub...
Outrage upon outrage upon outrage!
Firstly, some dolly bird offers me £5 a strip. Whey-hay! I hand over the cash, but does she flop 'em out and toss aside her scanties? Does she feck as like, for she missed the key details.
I got a strip alright - a strip of raffle tickets!
And do they have a raffle? Doe they buggery sod as like! At least, anyone sat in the pub were unaware of it.
Apparently, a couple of people by the burlesque pit saw some semblamce of a 'raffle', but no-one heard anything.
Seems to me, if you flog raffle tickets, you should at least make people aware when the draw starts, and perhaps use a mic. As far as I'm concered, there was no announcement and no draw, and I was sat right there.
And as for Burlesque! Now, I'm all for equal opportunities, but putting the burly back into Burlesque is a tad too far. Far from the can-can and nip-tassle swingment expected therefof, an aged burly bearded biker bloke isn't exactly what I expected.
Athough, to be fair, he wasn't exactly burly.. more skeletal and bedraggaled sporting tit-tassles and requiring a few more pies...
Oh well, a commiseratory chinese will sort me out.
Firstly, some dolly bird offers me £5 a strip. Whey-hay! I hand over the cash, but does she flop 'em out and toss aside her scanties? Does she feck as like, for she missed the key details.
I got a strip alright - a strip of raffle tickets!
And do they have a raffle? Doe they buggery sod as like! At least, anyone sat in the pub were unaware of it.
Apparently, a couple of people by the burlesque pit saw some semblamce of a 'raffle', but no-one heard anything.
Seems to me, if you flog raffle tickets, you should at least make people aware when the draw starts, and perhaps use a mic. As far as I'm concered, there was no announcement and no draw, and I was sat right there.
And as for Burlesque! Now, I'm all for equal opportunities, but putting the burly back into Burlesque is a tad too far. Far from the can-can and nip-tassle swingment expected therefof, an aged burly bearded biker bloke isn't exactly what I expected.
Athough, to be fair, he wasn't exactly burly.. more skeletal and bedraggaled sporting tit-tassles and requiring a few more pies...
Oh well, a commiseratory chinese will sort me out.
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