So make a stand for your Brad, Jolie, whilst you fan yer flange...

Yesturday, there was much furore over Angelina Jolie having legs.

Also, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as if there here to stay, for there is much Pinterest¹ in the press appertaining in the fact she still has a leg.

After yesturday's bloggage, it occurred to me that most people had probably forgot she had legs, as she is probably more famous for being all nudie-like with Pork Winchester as Grendel's mum. They probably only saw her Golden Globes and lizard tailed ass² as she rose dripping from the water, all moist and glistening mermaid like. 

Anyhoo - turns out that it was not her leg that shocked people - it was the fact she kept randomly sticking it out of her slit³.

Well, there's two obvious explanations here.

First, the knicker elastic on her expensive briefs may have been cutting into the top of her leg, so she had to stretch out that leg to readjust it. Otherwise she'd have to delve her fingers into her pants, and be caught by the Pepperami, to be in a The Sunday Spurt scandal "Flangelina fanny fingerage at the Oscars - we're no longer a grouch!". Probably.

On the other hand, under all them hot lights, it's probably a bit hot. So perhaps she had to spread her legs to get some fresh air in to cool down her sweating snatch. After all, you can't whip out a can of Febreeze on the red carpet for a quick douche. Surely you can't expect her to present a prize with a putrescent pussy, can you.

"Here to present the next award, Angelina Jolie. Those at the front may wish to hold their nose, as her perspiring pungent pubis has resulted in a manky minge due to the lack of sufficient airflow to alleviate her foul fragranced fanny. If only she could spread her leg a bit without ridicule to cool her clit, the sweaty skank!"

Just because to she has to shimmy her leg joints about to reduce the itchyness of thrush, it doesn't warrant top billing in the news.

Still, could be worse. She could've been smearing her slutty slitty slot with vagisil and Rachel's organic yoghurt. Although I think Rachel's Organic Yoghurt is probably a euphamism for fanny batter. Or something.

¹ INTEREST IN PINS. PINS, AS IN THE COLLOQUIAL FOR LEGS. PINS THAT GO RIGHT UP. LONG, LITHE LEGS THAT END IN BIG STILLETTO'D BOOTS.

² ALTHOUGH, ONCE YOU STOP DRAG YOURSELF AWAY FROM OGLING FULLSOME FUNBAGS AND DELECTABLE DERRIÈRE OF GRENDEL'S MILF, YOU NOTICE SHE DOES HAVE LEGS. LEGS THAT END IN HOOVES SUSPICIOUSLY SHAPED LIKE STILLETTOS...

³ I NOTICE THERE'S NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT ANGELINA OPENING HER SLIT FOR THE CAMERAS. WELL, ONE COMPLAINT, AND THAT'S MINE. WHEN PROMISED PICS OF ANGELINA JOLIE PARTING HER SLIT FOR THE CAMERAS ON THE RED CARPET, I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

Jolie, Jolie, Jolie, Jo-lie-ee-eee...

Your beauty is beyond compare

But what's below your pubic hair

FUCK ME - A LEG! JESUS! YOU DEFORMED FREAK!!

The Xym is all of a bemusement.

I thought everyone was aware of bipedal biological structure. For, having a duality of lower limbment to perambulate alone the promenade with, I foolishly believed everyone else was the same.

Apparently, not so.

It began on The Facebook, and now it's all over the news and papers.

Angelina Jolie has a leg.

Shock! Horror! Outrage!

Now, unless I'm missing something, don't most of them there womens have legs? Didn't that ZZ Top Beard sing "Legs! She knows how to use 'em!"?

Unless, of course, what I thought was a leg isn't a leg at all. Perhaps what I thought a leg was (an adjoining limb between hip and foot) is not a leg at all. Perhaps 'legs' are some form of utensil or power tool. Which makes more sense with the ZZ Topps. I thought legs were renown for walking (or seductively crossing with a rasp of silken stocking) - but they had to immortalise in song that a woman KNEW how to use legs. So legs are probably a complicated bit of equipment to complicated for womens. A BBQ or hedge trimmer.

Although why Angelina Jolie would want to take a hedge trimmer to the Oscars is a mystery. Unless it's to trim her bush so there's no spider's legs on show when she flashes her long lithe limbs The Xym formerly knew as legs.

It would be news and suchlike, if someone like Gold Diggah Heather McCartney had a leg. Well, another leg to go replace the singularity of lower limb she currently lacks. And she married a Beatle, and we all know if you lop a limb off a beetle, they grow a new one. So I'm surprised the news isn't about her sawing off Macca's leg in the night and sewing it on her stump.

Unless she's an advocate of the popular cockney pastime of stump-fucking.

Anyhoo - that assumes that Heather's leg is a leg as in what The Xym though a leg was, not a leg in what facebookers and The Press are shocked that Angelina has but shouldn't.

Which makes me wonder about Angelina Ballerina - what does a ballet dancing mouse perform an arabesque on? Can a mouse even perform a peg-'leg' pirouette?

Hells Bells! No wonder everyone thinks I'm odd - I'm the only one who could 'see'!!

All this time, I've been seeing women with legs, but now, people are shocked that a woman has legs. There's only one explanation. Everyone else's minds had been clouded by female telepathy and air looms (ever wondered why Women spent so much time learning embroidery, sewing, tapestry, etc? a-ha!). The women have projected an image of mermaids upon the menfolk, so they only see some scaly-arsed fish-below-the-waist!

And who hasn't heard women complaining about fishy fannies?!

So, it seems their mental net of mermaidian mirage faltered, and people got a true glimpse of womenfolk - with actual legs. Hence the current scandal.

I think I tapped into this feminine hive-mind that bewitches the eyes once. I recall seeing Cher, Winona Ryder and Christina Ricci all fin-tailed and lezzing it up in a bath¹. And also Daryl Hannah splashing about... coincidentally, also all fin-tailed in a bath, but not lezzing it up - as I recall, she was on her own. Probably having a Tom Hanks in the bath².

Exactly why women are making men think they're mermaids, and shocked why it's accidentally revealed they actually have (what The Xym believes are) legs - who knows. No-one understands women. Not even women. So obviously, confounding the populace by pretending they have no legs is typical incomprehensible natural feminine behaviour!

And you can't argue with that!

And even if you do - you're wrong!

¹ ALTHOUGH THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A DREAM. OR WISHFUL THINKING. AND PROBABLY WITHOUT CHER. OR SOMETHING.

² SAME AS FOOTNOTE ¹, REALLY. AND BY TOM HANKS, I MEAN BEAN FLICKING. TINKERING WITH HER TWINKLE. FIDDLING WITH HER FANNY... A TOM HANKS FFS!

Their hoods and capes¹, made their genus obscene...

Now, as iterated on The Facebook, further Creative Writings are afoot.

Or afeet, if I cans expand it into several short tales of preposterity.

Chicken aFeet, at that! Or a feat of chickens. Or something.

Anyhoo, the concept arose when an author asked for what events could happen in a book. And if he don't pick mine, then I shall elaborate on The Titanic.

Not literally on the Titanic. The Xym will not dive into the depths, clamber out of a diving Bell clad in brasserific helmeture, and then perform elaboracies upon the crusty deck of the rusty wreck. No - it would be an elaborance upon the sinking of the Titanic involving these renegade roosters.

Anycoo, whilst divulging the salient points of these capon capers to the comic scribe, I hit a snag with the facebook comments.

The facebook does not like cock.

In order to make a specific difference in the drillbeaks of chickens, I had to reference them by sex. Girl-Chickens - no problem calling them Hens. Hens are fine. But, call a man-chicken a cock, and Facebook has a hissy fit and removes the offending word from the comment!

Making you look like a total arse when someone tries to read your comment, and it makes no sense coz a cock is missing.

What get's me, is that I can't say cock in an avian sense, but I can say than space monster colonization is COLONization, ie take over the world via colon, or rectal, probeage. Not to mention humourescently calling The Facebook The FaceBukkake.

But it seems the naming of male chickens is more offensive than having alien probes thrust up your bum, or covering your social networking site in jizz.

That said... perhaps it was one of them Omens running an automation now, when that there writing's on the wall. A pre-cursor of warning to prohibit profanities in all-you-can-eat chineses down Riverside (motherfecker).

For The Xym got feckin' told off by some feckin' eavesdropping harridan for feckin' saying "feck".

Told off by a harpy, whilst the miserable old trout's neanderthal thug is abusing and threatening his offspring and reducing them to tears at table.

To be fair, he was missing the kickyball event down Carrow Road, and had clearly been nagged into going to a 'family buffet' instead. Hence the insidious whispery threats at the children.

And whilst discussing gobshites and various other tosspieces, whilst discussing an ungrateful hag's response, The Xym blurted out "Well. I'd tell her to feck orf, the miserable old troll". And that got the earwigging trollop all riled, and she gave me a slight telling off of: "Do you mind keeping your language down?"

So I said "Shut yer face, and keep yer great fat beak out of other peoples conversations, yer haggard old trout!". At which, her cavebloke arose from the table...

...uh-oh! Looks like Xym's finally gonna get that now legendary punch in the face. And not from a jealous husband/ boyfiend/ sapphic girlfriend who takes exception at Xym perving at their Pretty.

...phew! Her tame ape is off to get some ice-cream, the great wuss! Yeah, you get your ice-cream, and threaten your kids in public. Don't stand up for your prudish crone offended by profanity in public places.

The Xym must really learn to keep his cakehole shut...

...except when showering sexy sirens with compliments (away from the presence of knuckle-dragging, green-eyed gorillas who take exception to any man ogling their bird, as they want their woman to feel downtrodden and unappreciated and ugly and to get the tea on the table or get a beating).

And I only need to find that one sexy siren who takes exception to my finger wraggling lecheries, to be given a girly slap (not punch) in the face. For that would make me a slappee, and the Pretty a slapper. And if my Pretty is a slapper, then even The Xym should be in with a chance!

Or, more accurately, not.

¹ THE FEATHERED FOULS PREFFERED SENSE OF DRESS WHEN AT THEIR RACIST KFC RALLIES. MORE OF THAT TO COME IN A SHORT TALE OF PREPOSTEROUSNESS AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE. MAYBE.

Why is a shaven like a writhing pest...

Extortion!

The avaricious fingers of merchants aboundeth!

The Xym requireth one of them there straightjackets, for partaking of the tannin whilst wearing a towering topper.

And where can one get one's grubby mitts on such an incapacitor of insanity?

Well, you'd think with it being ME, log, they'd be all to willing to encase me in said restraintive bondageries and lock me in the padded cell to await Matron with the hot milk and biscuits.

But Nooooooo - they'd rather have me watching Will Farrell instead of in mental apparel¹.

Anyhoo, whilst passing the old biddie's tea shoppe, I popped into the Cock Rolex On² on the offchance. And they hads them! Size XL - (which, as all know, in Cock Rolex On terms is a smidgeon³ above a size zero).

Fifty squids!

Not to mention having to chop it all about, for an over-elaborate cog-based construction to be attached. The cost of Meccano these days!

So off to the the fancy dress shoppe - twenty squids! Outrageous! And narry a buckle or strap amonst it!

So I bought another monocle instead.

There must be somewhere I can find a cheap-ass straightjacket for the steampunking up thereof? If I've paid umpteen of pounds for an outrageous hat, only to be denuded of dozend of demoninations of dollars for a glorified long-sleeved blouse, I won't be happy!

Not to mention finding a teapot onna stick...

Honestly - how hard can it be? I just want a cane with a teapot on the top. But noooo - it's all golden balls, fiddly twiddly bits, horses heads, skeletal fingering and the like. Nothing NORMAL like a teapot. We're British - a nation of tea drinkers! Our national emblem is the teapot*, so why is there such a lack of teapot based trinketry?

I blame them Hairball Tease - like Lamps And Sue's Schlong, or Breakfast Tea.

Breakfast Tea! I had that once, and it tasted nowt like a full-on fry-up, let alone soggy cornflakes. Not a hint of the Sugar Puff, Rice Krispy or Special K. Apart from the milk. Coco Pops may turn the milk a sort of shitty mud color, but Breakfast Tea just turns it a dishwashery grey after all the Furry Lick Quid has de-bubbled it's bubbles through the grease of the (Stephen?) Fry-up.

And I'm not licking a furry quid just to get me mitts on some asylum wear.

Unless it's the Cock Rolex On Pretty's quid.

And by Quid, obviously I mean Quim.

LOL!

¹ ONE OF THEM AMERICAN ALLEGED 'COMEDIANS'. ENOUGH TO DRIVE ANYONE TO THE UNFUNNY FARM. OR SOMETHING.

² CHRONOLOGICAL TODGER ADORNMENTS , MAYHAP?

³ MORE THAN A TAD, BUT LESS THAN AN EENTSY BIT.

* CAN I SAY STEPHEN FRY IS A TEAPOT, OR IS THAT POLITICALLY INCORRECT? AFTER ALL, IF DERREN BROWN CAN CALL HIMSELF A 'MASSIVE GAYER', WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALLUSIONS OF LIMP-WRISTED SPOUTNESS WHILST HAND ON HIP IN GIRLY POSE? IT'S RELIGIOUS HEALTH AND SAFETY INTOLERANCE GONE MAD!

Her milkshake bring all goth pandas to the pub...

And she's back!

However, ogling hot bar wenches whilst engaging in much talk of kle'varj and norkage, and inopportune arrival of the buxom maid at the point of discussion of photoshopped nuderies, probably doesn't make a good impression.

Although the Beyonce/Rhianna/Fergie humpjiggle dance gains brownie points¹!

Which are promptly docked by Beautiful Blue² for proclaiming managers of tip top totty perfect Pretty princesses³ to be quite hot.

But to be fair, I has been single for 6 years now, so that may have colored my opinion somewhat.

Although, photographic representation WAS of a congregation of trollhags, insterspersed with occasional trouser arousers, which probably enhanced the portrayal of the rat faced slavedriver sufficiently to create a false sense of attractiveness.

AND the photos were on a craparse mobile, so that also rendered her as an eidolon of beauty, instead of the ravaged harpy that lies beneath.

Which is probably more likely, as I've met the rodent in the flesh, and don't recall any ideas of taking my sledgehammer to her back doors and smashing it in.

Although I could be wrong - any old port in a storm in a d-cup. Or something.

¹ ALTHOUGH SOME BROWNEYE POINTS WOULDN'T GO AMISS WITH HER, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (AND I'M SURE THAT YOU DO. AND IF YOU DON'T, IT'S AN ALLOWANCE TO DO HER UP THE SHITTER*.).

² YOU'RE BLUE VEINED, I BET YOU THINK THIS BLOG IS ABOUT YOU...

³ REGARDING ¹, THAT BIT WAS ABOUT YOU ALSO. BUT YOU'RE STILL MY NUMBER 1! MWAH, MWAH, HUGZ & XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX ♥♥♥♥♥
  (AND IF THAT DOESN'T BUY ME BACK SOME BROWNIE POINTS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES! NOT TO MENTION THOSE BROWNEYE POINTS*...)

* NOT THAT THE XYM WOULD ENGAGE IN SUCH REVOLTING PROCEDURES - BUT THESE DECLARATIONS OF PERVOSITY AND DEPRAVED LECHERINGS ARE EXPECTED, AND THE XYM CANNOT LET HIS REPUTATION RISE. BESIDES, I DON'T WANT POO ALL OVER MY COCK, STINKING OF SHIT AND CLOGGING UP ME JAPS EYE SO I CAN'T EVEN PISS AND END UP BACKING UP AND TURNING INTO SOME SORT OF URINE RETENTIONED BALLOON. AND NO-ONE WANTS THAT!

Two weeks in a cellar under a light bulb...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The slim Xymni, avoids sweetie snacks #7...

Girls on film, (perhaps they'll come later)...

Hold on a minute...

It's February!

February the 10th!

And I just remembered it's almost two weeks since the end of Fannuary!

And narry a hint of elaborately topiaried twattery!

We men had to shave our faces off and grow preposterous mutton-chopped moustachios for Movember so we don't get cock cancer, and had had to post reglar progress pics from clean shaven to hairy yeti.

But did my Pretties care for the cervical cancer to shave their bush and post pictures of their bare beetle-bonnet with regular photographic evidence of their gash growth groomings?

Or care to post their Bare B(.Y.)bies On The Bus pictures to campaign for Jug Cancer?

They cared not one jot!

I must say, I'm disappointed. I suppose it's all racing for life whilst wearing pink now, and showing the Xym the shaven haven pink lips for a month is just too much of an exhaustive effort!

Well, next year, stuff your Movember! I'm going to Run For Bums¹ whilst wearing purple instead!

¹ AVOIDING CLOCKWEIGHT CANCER BY RUNNING BEHIND PRETTIES JOGGING IN TIGHT, FLIMSY LYCRA LEGGINGS/LEOTARDS AND COVETING THEIR ASSES. OR SOMETHING.

Xym's list of exciting stuff (Feb '12)...

Dates are the best I can get - being in the UK, I aim for UK dates, but may pick up US ones accidentally.

Book dates are for the Paperback editions (though I'll probably get the Kindle version if cheaper).

As always, let me know if you know different, or if there's something coming up I've forgot/don't know about!

Film

10 Feb 2012	The Woman In Black starring Daniel Radcliffe
10 Feb 2012	The Muppets
17 Feb 2012	Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance Nicolas Cage being all Elvissy again!
23 Feb 2012	Blood Car Cars fuelled on… blood! Killer cars! Yay!
02 Mar 2012	Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
02 Mar 2012	Devil Inside
09 Mar 2012	John Carter Adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter Of Mars
09 Mar 2012	The Raven Edgar Allan Poe biopic
16 Mar 2012	Mirror, Mirror Julia Robers version of Snow White (either that, or a movie version of the Dollar hit single…)
23 Mar 2012	Hunger Games Blatant rip-off of Koushun Takami's Battle Royale, rewritten by Suzanne Collins in the style of Twilight to appeal to younger teens. Send these unimaginitive types off to an island run by Kinji Fukasaku & 'Beat' Takeshi and subject them to The Program, Say I! That programme being Takeshi's Castle. Or something. Hunger Games my best hat!
13 Apr 2012	Cabin In The Woods
04 May 2012	The Avengers Put back from 27 Apr 2012
11 May 2012	Dark Shadows Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !!
01 Jun 2012	Prometheus Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. Or nothing to do with Alien whatsoever.
01 Jun 2012	Snow White & The Huntsman
20 Jul 2012	The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman
02 Aug 2012	Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
03 Aug 2012	Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake
14 Sep 2012	Resident Evil: Retribution
16 Nov 2012	Breaking Dawn part 2
14 Dec 2012	Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
?? ??? 2012	.[rec]3: Génesis
?? ??? 2012	.[rec]4: Apocalypse
?? ??? 2012	Bill & Ted #3
?? ??? 2012	Stephen King's Carrie Remake. Truer to the book than the 1976 version, but without the 'happy' ending of the 2002 one with Carrie being driven to safety by Sue Snell (to allow a Carrie spin-off TV series)
?? ??? 2012	Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!!
?? ??? 2012	Dredd First edit of the new Judge Dredd movie has been screened, and final cut is now in progress
?? ??? 2012	Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!!
?? ??? 2012	Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie.
?? ??? 2012	Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
?? ??? 2012	Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012
?? Apr 2013	Evil Dead Remake in progress.
03 May 2013	Iron Man 3
17 May 2013	Star Trek 2 Filming begins 15 Jan 2012
22 Nov 2013	Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
15 Nov 2013	Thor 2
13 Dec 2013	Hobbit: There And Back Again
?? ??? 2013	Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie
?? ??? 2013	Jack The Giant Killer
?? ??? 2013	Stephen King's The Stand Remake directed by Ben Affleck
?? ??? 2013	Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel
29 Jun 2014	Transformers 4
?? ??? 2014	Captain America 2
?? ??? 2015	Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on
?? ??? ????	Frozen Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen"
?? ??? ????	Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie
?? ??? ????	Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again.
?? ??? ????	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay
?? ??? ????	Maleficent Snow White from the Queen's persepective
?? ??? ????	Pinocchio Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto)
?? ??? ????	Pride & Prejudice… and Zombies
?? ??? ????	Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford
?? ??? ????	Sin City 2 Screenplay almost finished
?? ??? ????	Timecrimes US Remake of the Spanish classic

DVD & Blu-Ray

20 Feb 2012	Vanishing On 7th Street
27 Feb 2012	In Time
05 Mar 2012	A Game Of Thrones (series 1)
05 Mar 2012	Immortals
12 Mar 2012	Breaking Dawn part 1
26 Mar 2012	The Thing 2011 Version
26 Mar 2012	The Awakening
02 Apr 2012	Demons Argento produced Bava preposterousness
09 Apr 2012	Demons 2 More Argento produced Bava preposterousness
30 Aug 2012	War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D.
?? Oct 2012	Evangelion 3.33: Quickening
?? ??? 2012	The Whisperer In Darkness DVD available! The Xym is awaiting the Blu-Ray to be released (Early 2012)
?? ??? 2012	War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary

TV (on Freeview/Virgin Media L - The Xym does not have Sky)

13 Feb 2012	Grimm Showing in UK on: Watch
13 Mar 2012	Alcatraz Showing in UK on: Watch
Autumn 2012	Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start)
?? Apr 2012	A Game Of Thrones (series 2)
Late 2012	Walking Dead (Series 3)
?? ??? 2012	American Horror Story (series 1)
?? ??? 2012	American Horror Story (series 2) Greenlit
?? ??? 2012	Dirk Gently Showing in UK on: BBC 4. Full series currently being filmed due to the success of the Pilot
?? ??? 2012	Once Upon A Time Showing in UK on: Five
?? ??? 2012	Sinbad New mini-series
?? ??? ????	A Game Of Thrones (series 3) Filming begins May/June 2012
?? ??? ????	American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman
?? ??? ????	Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK
?? ??? ????	Munsters Remake. Pilot being developed by Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller
?? ??? ????	New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!!
?? ??? ????	Secret Of Crickley Hall Showing in UK on: BBC
?? ??? ????	Star Wars: Underworld

Music

26 Mar 2012	CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS * PUT BACK 3 WEEKS DUE TO FIRE AT EMI* Fields of the Nephilim 2CDd+DVD, 2disc vinyl or Download (download includes Last Exit from Mera Luna 2008). CD1: ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ (live 12 Jul 2008): 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Shine, 6 Wail Of Sumer, 7 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 8 Trees Come Down, 9 Psychonaut CD2: ΛD•VфΤΛΜ (live 13 Jul 2008): 1 Intro (Harmonica Man), 2 Preacher Man, 3 Moonchild, 4 Requiem, 5 Xiberia, 6 Zoon pt3 (Wakeworld), 7 Mourning Sun, 8 Celebrate DVD: 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Wail Of Sumer, 6 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 7 Trees Come Down, 8 Moonchild, 9 Psychonaut, 10 Mourning Sun
04 Jun 2012	War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-interpretation of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. Richard Burton being replaced by Liam Neeson
?? ??? 2012	Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant - Delayed from January. Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy
?? ??? 2012	CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS Special Strictly Limited Collectors Edition Boxed Set Fields of the Nephilim - available on a first come first served basis exclusively from the official website. Content TBA.

Gigs

10 Feb 2012	The Vibrators Norwich Arse Centre
06 Mar 2012	Killing Joke Norwich WhatACunt
18 Mar 2012	Inspiral Carpets Norwich WhatACunt
21 Mar 2012	Stiff Little Fingers & Spear Of Destiny Norwich WhatACunt
04 Apr 2012	Fascinating Aida Norwich Playhouse
11 Apr 2012	Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street Norwich Playhouse (Sondheim musical version!). Runs till 14th April.
13 Apr 2012	Drugstore Norwich Arse Centre
18 Apr 2012	Richard Herring Norwich Playhouse
10 May 2012	Neil Innes Norwich Arse Centre

Games

06 Mar 2012	Silent Hill: HD Collection remastered editions of Silent Hill 2 & 3
09 Mar 2012	Silent Hill: Downpour
23 Mar 2012	Resident Evil: Racoon City
25 Mar 2012	Animal Crossing 3Ds
20 Nov 2012	Resident Evil 6

Books

10 Feb 2012	The Annotated Sandman Vol.1 Delayedd from 27 Jan 2012
?? May 2012	Blake's 7: The Forgotten Scott,Cavan & Wright, Mark New B7 novel set between series 1 episodes 7 (Mission To Destiny) and 8 (Duel)
06 Sep 2012	The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert
?? ??? 2012	e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian
?? ??? 2012	Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian
?? ??? 2012	Harry Potter (eBooks) Rowling, JK. Available via Pottermore. Delayed from October 2011.
01 Jan 2013	Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J.

Audiobooks

29 Feb 2012	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #1 (audiobook) 1. The Turning Test, 2. Solitary, 3. Counterfeit. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Michael Keating reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Vila Restal
?? Aug 2012	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 (audiobook) 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally

In Limbo or Cancelled

IN LIMBO	Akira Production once again halted…
IN LIMBO	At The Mountains Of Madness Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro.
IN LIMBO	Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick
IN LIMBO	Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski
IN LIMBO	Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding.
IN LIMBO	Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time"
IN LIMBO	Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months
IN LIMBO	Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director
IN LIMBO	Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down.
IN LIMBO	Stephen King's 'IT' David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months.
IN LIMBO	Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America.
IN LIMBO	Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes

Recent/Past items removed:

06 Feb 2012	Legend
03 Feb 2012	Chronicle
27 Jan 2012	Intruders
27 Jan 2012	Resident Evil: Revelations 3Ds
26 Jan 2012	Noel Fielding's Luxury Comedy
25 Jan 2012	Four Flies On Grey Velvet
23 Jan 2012	Tomie: Unlimited
20 Jan 2012	Underworld: Awakening 3D
13 Jan 2011	The Darkest Hour

Video killed the radio star, and went on further rampages...

I'm still periodically transferring the old blog over to Blogger, but I had to locate an olde classique for the fond times rememberance of.

Whilst trawling back, I finally unearthed somefink else - my only published in print work! Ooooh!

Edited onto the Old Blog (as the original publication went all busoms ahoy, and paragraphs and bullets were all over the place), I've transferred it over to Blogger early (and retitled it a bit).

Click on the link below to read...
"The Secrets of the Pyramids - Revealed!"

Mayhap I'll return to my other, longer novella dedicated to Chezza, Paula and Steffle for all the dreadful movies we've sat through (Nail In The Wall!!)

Current working title...

Attack of the Killer Televisions

and diverse other improbable assaultive appliances of an animatory menace

I already have a number of preposterous set-pieces and chapter titles, Chapter I being either That Secret Thing They Did Years Ago or The Death of The Relative Unlikely Related To The Hero(ine) To Draw Them Into The Plot.

Or maybe it will just end up in the pile of unfinished stuff, along with my sequel to Stephen King's IT, Defecation Of The Dead and Xym's Animated Version Of Jeff Wayne's Musical Version Of H.G.Wells's The War Of The Worlds....

Show me ya teats (that girl is a monsturd)...

You'd think that living with diminutive Tom Cruise that shitty titted Katie Holmes¹ would be used to short over-excited gnomic fairies chasing her about.

But no.

And what's with the whole afraid of darkness motif? Surely, you should be afeared of the encroaching darkness, for only then do the dwarvish humpty-backed kobolds come out to play.

And they're afraid of the light.

Except when there's a brightly lit dinner party on, so they can rampage amongst the floral arrangements whilst the daughter of the house creeps under the table for some upskirt photography in the hopes of capturing the hairy things on camera.

Or something.

Anyhoo - no-one, not even the misshapen mammaried Mrs Cruise, cares not one jot for the moaning brat and quimcam photographic antics (despite the trappage of trollery betwixt bookcases and the Grendel arm on the carpet).
• Gardener beat up by imps and stabbed with lots of tools? Put the child to bed and leave her all alone.
• Child attacked by imps and goblins? Put the child to bed and leave her all alone.
• Child creeps into bedroom to stay with parents? Carry her back to her own room and leave her all alone.
• Under attack by hordes of hellbeasts? Put the child to bed, go off in separate directions and leave her all alone.

You get the drift - not very popular is this brat.

Then again, neither is the slack jugged waif. Realising the brat has really crap teeth, and Katie is all Sensodynely sparkly, the fearsome oven beasts decide they'd rather drag Katie Holmes into the basement for the rampant rapey rogerage, teeth ripping out and conversion into a mini-troll.

And does the boyfriend give a shit? Does he heck as like! Just watches her trapped in the portal, and lets her be pulled off². And instead of tearing the chimney apart to follow her down, he just get in the car and buggers off!

Only to return {months? years?} later to shut the porch door.

Mind you, with such disappointing dirty pillows, it's no wonder he couldn't give a toss³!

¹ CHECK HER OUT - EITHER SHE CHOOSES THE LEAST COMPLIMENTARY AND UNDERSUPPORTIVE BAP-HANGERS TO ENCASE HER WITHERED DUGS, OR SHE HAS THE MOST MISSHAPEN UNFLATTERING FUNBAGS OF ALL TIME.

² AND IF ANYONE DESERVES PULLING OFF, IT'S NOT HOLMES. SHE SHOULD BE PULLING ME OFF. PROBABLY. OR SOMETHING.

³ AND IF ANYONE DESERVES A TOSS...

Eye to eye - CONTACT...

Oversized three-lobed burning ocular to brown eye, more like! Never mind them Wateryboys - THEY saw the whole of YOUR moon... and shoved a GPS sensor up it.

You know them abductees - then folks what are whisked up in a shaft of light¹ into a starship² before the space monsters shove things of a probing nature up their bottoms³.

Well, they often claim to have implants inserted so the Pod Perverts From Planet Mars can keep track of them for further future nobbage.

But a strange thing about these so-called implants - they're always in the arm, leg or brain.

Obviously, these tracking devices made from some form of alloy unknown to man transmitting brainwashing plans of world dominatrixtion turn out to be fake, made up of bits of broken Casio calculators and meccano.
Any genuine abductee would know right where the space monsters hid the implants...

... right up the bum, that's where!

Why else use an anal probe, if not to stick a homing device inside the one place you'd rather not have probed!

"But Xym," you cry, "why would a space monster shove a tracking device up the bunghole? Surely it would be most unpleasant to retrieve for data collection. And covered in poo."

Well, firstly, the space monsters don't require rectal retrieval, for the implants transmit data via wifi. However, is such a shitty situation did arise, for example, the abductee going to have their chocolate canal irrigated and risk being flushed out, then they're hardly going to be worried about it being smothered in excrement.

For what's the one thing everyone knows about space monsters (apart from them being green).

They have great big feck-off bug eyes.

And what has bug eyes?

Flies!

And flies are reknown for their gatherance around poo.

And, from what these Travis Walton types say, them space monsters are always abusing rednex for sexual breeding programs. Hence the proboscis up the posterior, injecting their digestive juices up yer ringpiece and glueing a homing beacon to your prostate so they can find you for another night-time foresty bumming amongst the stars.

And now them space monsters Walk Among Us in surgeon suits. Ever heard of a Pretty going off to have implants put in? A-ha! Con the ditzy blonde into thinking she's more prettified by having behemoth bazookas, and the lecherous arse probers have a chance at nork gropeage whilst installing their tractor beam.

A tractor beam being the beam from her headlamps, making Norfolk types think it's an oncoming tractor and getting all aroused.

And by Headlamps, I mean titties.

¹ BILLY-BOB'S TORCH
² J0E-BOB'S SHACK
³ BECAUSE JIM-BOB THINKS THE ABDUCTEE HAS A PURTY MOUTH AND LIKES THE SQUEAL OF PIGGIES AS CLETUS PLAYS SAME 5 NOTES OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON HIS BANJO STRING.

The slim Xymni, avoids sweetie snacks #5...

On gingybread legs, the ciderman runs...

Ciderman?

Or Pie deMann? Doing whatever a piederman does.

But not what a pædoman does.

And running where? Running down Totty Avenue? Or would that be ole Chef Delia Smiff from Carrow Road lezzing it up on a break from footie, food and shoplifting Dairylea with Anthony Worrell-Thompson? "Totty - let's be 'aving you!"

'aving you... 'avin' you... avenue... No? Well, please yerself then!

But enough of Delia's rampant gangbangeries, for that hath been covered before. This is potential theftage of meals eaten by Norwegian children who believe in Santa Claus and his old fat nudie elves.

We're hungery for the remains of W'anuses birthday snackage from yesturday.

♪But they's gone!

And their hair

and teeth

and face

don't last too long♫

Ah!

"Run, Run! As fast as you can!

You can't catch me, I'm the Gingybread man!"

One thing's¹ for sure - they've all legged it!

And why do gingybread men run?

Because of them foxes on the prowl.

And there are a fair few foxes down the corridor, if you know what I mean (and I'm sure that you do!)

* wriggles fingers and does that growly thing in back of throat *

Or something...

¹ ALTHOUGH WHAT JUAN'S THING HAS TO DO WITH IT, I DON'T KNOW. I KNOW HIS SHEET DOES PLENTY. AND IF JUAN IS DOING PLENTY OF SHITS, HE REALLY SHOULD LAY OFF THEM PRUNES. SURE, HE MAY HAVE PLENTY, BUT SOAKING UP LIQUID EFFLUENT WITH HIS ABSORBENT TABLE WIPES DOESN'T MAKE FOR A PRETTY AD. MAYBE THEY SHOULD HAVE A JOINT VENTURE WITH THAT DAWN PORTER WIPING HIS SHITTY ARSE AFTERWARDS WITH HER ANAL DISINFECTANT WET WIPES. OR SOMETHING.

This is a booty fall (to the bottom of the pool)...

It must be terrible being one of them Womens, having to have that Cosmetic Surgery all the time to get a bootylicious Beyoncé bot.

Seems it's OK for some dodgy Earthbound surgeon to stick tubes up your bunghole to suck the poo out in the name of Colonic Irritation, yet a space monster sticks a probe up yer posterior and there's a hue and outcry!

Anyhoo, one of these surgeons is one of them trans-gender blokes who cross-dresses as a woman.

Or something.

And not only dresses as a something, but has surgically enhanced themselves into a something also!

You'd think the resultant deformity would put people off - after all, if someone makes themselves to look like THAT, then what are they going to do to you?

But this is Florida, where people dream of Disney, and care not one jot for the Frankensteinian constructs they allow to operate on them.

And what does this marvellous surgeon use to gargantuanize the glutes? Silicone? Wobbly gel sacs filled with explosive wobble stuff?

Nah - that's sooooo 2000s - we're in a new decade! This is the future!

A mix of cement, mineral oil, tyre inflator and sealant. That should push the tush to J-Lo levels!

And who uses sutures these days? Sew 'em up, when there's liquid plasters on sale? What's wrong with a tube of Superglue?

Strangely, the grotesquely gluted surgeon is being sued for pumping people pushin' cushions full of... well, I don't know the name of this mixture, so it can only be called Stuff!

Still, could be worse, I guess. I just found out what a pumping party is.

It's not, as I thought, a gatherance of flatus obsessed bumsniffers, nasally partying around cans of beans. Nor is it that bodybuilding stuff where they "pump iron" - which I assume is just a metallic fart brought on by too much baby oil seeping into their joints combined with the tightness of their tiny trunks covering their even tinier todger.

Apparently, a pumping party is another one of them ego-boosting plastic surgery parties. Presumably combined with Anne Summers, as it is rather niche, being a bunch of burly blokes injecting silicone into their schlongs, which causes lung embolisms.

So, any of my mates having a pumping party, or having a self-enhancement session - I don't want to join the party. But while you're down Jewsons or Thorne's, get an extra can of sealant. The bath could do with a new trim.

And if you got any Loctite (or preferably Araldite) left after closing up your incisions, my big boots need another coat of superglueage.