Now, everyone knows where Xym is to be found of a morning (usually bewixt 7:30 and 8:35).
In Starbucks on St Stephens! Always in the same seat - on the right, not in the window, but by the stairs with me back to the wall1.
Unless it's a Saturday afternoon and I've agreed to meet the Pomme De Terre Possé, in which case we're up in the ærie2 on the plush chairs by the window, ogling down babes blouses at bras and bountiful bazingas as they bend over babies in prams, hang about waiting for friends, or just pass by in loose tops.
Anyhoo, the point is, Xym always has that seat of a morning, without variation. Might as well have a plaque with me name on it, or a big RESERVED FOR XYM placard.
But not this morning. Oh no.
Some git nicked my seat!!
And everyone knows that seat is reserved for me!
Why, I was spitting feathers3 and had to find another seat!
Ooooh, I so could have performed the now legendary Xym's Pacha BitchSlap Special on him, and beat him to the ground in comedic childish fashion... if Lady C was there to witness it.
Anyhoo, when he went, Old-Trout-Who-Sits-In-The-Window-(Sometimes-With-Her-Ancient-Mum) said "Some people! They have no idea of the etiquette here. This is my table, that's your table!"
And indeed it is!
There is a natural, unspoken consensus within Starbucks - certain people have certain reserved places.
● Old-Trout-Who-Sits-In-The-Window-(Sometimes-With-Her-Ancient-Mum) sits in the window in the corner
● Polish-Woman-and-Mum sit by the window by the door.
● Bloke-With-Laptop-(Whose-Missus-Sometimes-Joins-Him-Later) sits on the left of the long sofa.
● Old-Couple-Who-Always-Say-Hello have the plush chair suite nearest the window, or the ones by the counter if someone else has sneaked in.
● Non-Stop-Texting-Cleaning-Blonde has the table near the door, but not in the window.
● Woman-With-Long-Jessie-J/Claudia-Wankleman-Hair sits where Old-Trout-Who-Sits-In-The-Window-(Sometimes-With-Her-Ancient-Mum) has vacated (or on the second plush chair suite if someone else has sneaked in)...
...And so on, and so forth...
All us regulars have our allotted seats, and it right riles us up when someone moves in and claims our territory!
One day, we'll all be there, and a Stranger will walk in. At that point, we'll all go silent, and eye them warily. Presumably, it'll be left up to The Xym to lurch up (dragging one leg behind) to advise them:
"We don't be takin' kindly to strangers round these 'ere parts... now, tek yer cloves orf! We take our bedding seriously here - thou must spend one night in ye crypt. Mwah ha ha ha ha ha!".
That'd put The Fear into them!
Teach you to nick my seat, y'bastard!
1 AS THE XYM DON'T LIKE UNKNOWN PEOPLES BEHIND HIM IN CASE THEY CREEP UP AND STAB HIM UP!
*READERS VOICE (well, more Carla & Gio's)* AND TO OGLE THE PASSING PRETTIES, SEATED PRETTIES, QUEUEING PRETTIES.. NOT TO MENTION PRETTIES POSTERIORS AT THEY SASHAY UP THE STAIRS IN TIGHT PVC LEGGINGS, OR SERVING WENCHES BENT OVER TABLES AS THEY GIVE 'EM A GOOD POLISHING, OR...
2 UNLESS THE POLISH PRETTY IS ATTENDING, IN WHICH CASE WE'RE IN THE SOFA IN THE MIDDLE TO SAVE HER BAD HIP FROM TRAIPSING UP THE STAIRS
3 BECAUSE I HADN'T PLUCKED THAT CHICKEN I HAD FOR BREAKFAST, OR SOME OTHER FEATHER BASED ACTIVITY THAT WOULD REQUIRE THE EXPULSION OF THE AFORMENTIONED DOWNY COVERAGE FROM CAKEHOLE. OR SOMETHING.
