Does this look small to you...

Being all still ill, I was snuggled on the sofa last night, reading a book with the telly droning on in the background.

Suddenly, my attention was caught because top telly totty Miranda Green was on This Week Andrew Neil was talking about indiscretion.

Apparently, agéd sex-addict star of Basic Mingestink Michael Douglas was taking a turn at being a reporter whilst on holiday to the UK with his nubile young wife Catherine Zitface Jones.

It would appear our roving reporter was giving too much information about the story. That story being Prince Philip being in hospital for an operation.

And why is the Duke of Ending Buggery in horse pickle?

Because he's got throat cancer from the monarchs minge! Her madje's vadje carries a royal STD - HPV (Highness Poon Virus).

No wonder he'd being told off for being indiscreet!

But Royal Cunnilingus is between a married couple. So the queen's quim put her man in horse pickle. It's not as bad as that Sky Broadband ad.

Bruce Willis is angry at his internet connection. So angry, in fact, that he storms up to Head Office to give them a dressing down in his dressing gown.

Clearly, security is lax, as the Front Desk have not made him wait in reception whilst a manager comes down. Oh no - it's Bruce Willis, just let him wander about willy nilly in a dressing gown!

Either that, or he went into full John McClaine mode, circumventing security by traversing the vents above the gents. or something.

However he managed it, he's on the office floor, challenging a "manager".

A young lad with one extremely yellow tooth that you can't help but focus on. What a skank! That bloody tooth - it takes over the advert!

But it's hard man Bruce shouting at staff - and showing how his Broadband connection doesn't allow him to watch himself like some self absorbed narcissist!

Exactly how he displays this issue is unknown, for surely he would have lost his home network connection when he left the house. And unless he hacked into the Head Office Secure Wi-Fi Network like some criminal, he couldn't stream that video of him in Die Hard (which is german for The Hard. probably)!

Of course, there may have been a Starbucks alongside the office, but Starbucks wi-fi is crap for viewing movies. Not to mention it won't represent his home connection!

Anyhoo, as Brucie screams in the face of the poor manager, the camera focuses on some Office Trollop virtually frothing at the gash. Biting her lip in orgasmic build up before she blurts out:

"You could try Sky Broadband. It's totally unlimited... as am I!"

In other words, she'll take it up the shitter.  From a dog. And eat the scat from another birds arse before vomming it into a cup and guzzling it back down before Boston Pancaking Mr Willis.

So what does Bruce do about his crap connection?

Forgets all about it! He just turns to the tart and says "Come with me!"

And she does! Never mind the Boyfriend/Husband whose picture she has on her desk. Sod the kids. She just leaves her manager standing there and goes off to the toilets to be unlimitedly rogered by Bruce Willis! Love to see her disciplinary review "You are being fired because instead of aiming for customer retention, you suggested a rival's product, before leaving your desk to engage in sexual shennanigans with a celebrity instead of clearing your backlog... oh wait, it would appear Mr Willis did indeed clear your 'backlog', with the totally unlimited buttfuckery. or something".

Perhaps that explains why Bruce was in naught but a dressing down. Maybe when he's not busy running about in a vest, shooting bad guys or shouting Yippe-kai-ay-Motherfucker, he's using his celebrity name to blag his way into office sluts orifices! And because he's Bruce Willis, he's bound to succeed, hence the dressing gown to quicky strip down for 'action'.

Actually, that has to be it - it's all a ruse to bed celebrity whoring slags! If he really wanted to watch his own movies, he'd buy the blu-ray! None of this streaming pixels bobbins. That's just an excuse to get into offices and nob all the pretties!

What. A. Bastard!