A weekend of purloined packets of pickpocketed bisquits, new cranial accoutréments (with visual inhibitor attachment), disappointing mammarial displays, self indulgent tosspieces and some top performances!
Of purloined packets of pickpocketed bisquits
Burly blokes at Blondie, in great dustcoats of the I Know What You Did Last Gig variety, with open packets of Fox's bisquits almost falling out of their pockets. Oh dear, Xym (aka Fagin), has managed to acquire a salvo of street urchins (all named Debbie) who have raided his raiment and relieved him of his post-Blondie sustainance. You gotta pick a packet of bisquits out of a pocket or two, girls!
Download Festival, and what's the first thing we see? Stalls seling stuff. And a stack of hats. Top Hats. Purple top hats at that!
And so The Xym has another preposterous item of clubwear that's sure to earn him another duffing up!
But if Download is owt to go by, the hat shall be overlooked in favour of much admiration for the facial forestry - I cant go anywhere without compliment upon compliment being heaped upon one's 'tache!
Of disappointing mammarial displays
Yes. They had screens at Download, oft focused on young ladies astride the shoulders of grimacing, red-faced lads struggling under the weight. Now, you'd think that when these wimmin get a camera close-up, a baring of the busoms would be de rigueur.
Oh no - there is an etiquette to these things.
Firstly, drink plays a part - the earlier the band, the less exposure given to camera.
Second - there are degrees to dirty pillow presentation. The more horrendous the hooters, the more they are flashed in yer face.
Third - the majority of the more interesting Pretties have no clue about the concept of flashing their funbags at festivals.
Naturally, there are those why Pretties, who, despite being held aloft and in camera, and totally wankered, simply scream at the camera with their tongue out.
Then there are those who grasp their neckline, and slightly pull it down a bit to reveal a bit more neck/top of cleavage.
Then comes the Pretties who whip up their T-shirt... to reveal a sensible, full cup, non-nip-defining-even-in-the-cold bra.
And then there are those who tape up their titties with gaffer tape, and lift their blouse to reveal... a mass of black sticky tape all over their bazookas!
Of course, all that is nothing, compared to the horrors of drunken display. For there is a fashionable fad for these females to feel up their own assets in a most unpleasing fashion.
And that is to simply grab handfulls of tit and generally mash them about, as if kneading some dough for another pie. It looks... wrong.
A most disappoining display of norkal presentation.
Of self indulgent tosspieces
Jared Leto. Thirty Seconds To Shut The Fuck Up And Get On With It You Self Obsessed Twatcunt!
What a total nob-ended titwank of a brown nosing shite!
Didn't hear much of their set, because the egomaniac cock-gobbler kept waffling on between tracks. For AGES. He even kept stopping songs half way through to witter on at the audience about crap.
An hour long set, and he "sang" maybe 6 songs total.
Not to mention the time wasted spending AGES selecting a range of underage/barely legal EMO teens to come onstage and dance with him. Well, come on stage, and stand there crying, or mouthing I Love You Jared throughout the song. Or trying to get a photograph with him. All well held back by onstage bouncers to ensure they didn't get too close to him with their three day old fishy fannies and BO.
What a conceited git. We could've had more Rammstein if he'd just shut the fuck up and end his bloody set. Or at least get on with the singing instead of talking at the crowd.
Of top performances
Three stand out acts for me:
And if you know The Xym, you'll know why he likes them....
...Chela Rhea Harper!
....who looks like a Goth Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Oh My! Oh My... 50 Shades Of Goffick Metal...
2) Stone Sour
3) Rammstein!
Rammstein was most definately THE best gig I have ever seen! Words cannot express how abolutely phenomenal this gig was!
Even the nightmare of getting out the car park and getting home (at half 4 in the morning) didn't even put a downer on this. Well worth the time and expense. Now, can I get a flight to Germany and see them in their native environment...
Click to embiggen this mega fantastic photograph taken (not by me) at Download:
