Put please, Suki, don't take 'em off again! Keep yer clothes on - no-one wants to see that ill-fitting binkeneeni over your wasted frame. And put a helmet over your distorted visage - coz my helmet ain't going anywhere near that!
I'm currently being subjected to that there The Fast And The Furious filums (as you know from last weeks bloggery).
Fast and Furious? Fat and Furry Arse, more like! Or just plain Fugly.
Now, all know what a comedically lecherous slimeball Xym is. Most films will find Xym often exclaiming one of the following ejactulations:
"Oh my!"
"Now we're talking!"
"When's her obligatory nudie shower scene coming up!"
"Want!"
"I'd buy that for a dollar!"
etc, etc.
However, much to Lady C's surprise, a singular lack of vocal emissions remained unuttered by Xym.
But we all agreed why.
Cars - nice. Women... urgh! Seems the basic requirement to be a ho in Fast & Furious filum is to wear minimal clothing, and be a misshapen munter!
"You can talk, Xym, you corpulent troll. You're no adonis or oil painting, you know!" (← reader's voice. And yes, The Xym does know, spank you very much!)
Yeah, well. I know what I likes, and I likes quite a wide range of Pretties. In fact, it's often incorrectly claimed that Xym likes "anything in a skirt . or with tits". which isn't true at all (see previous blogs). But the Fast & Furious cast of alleged Sexy Ladies just doesn't do it for Xym. Perhaps if they cast Helena Bonham-Carter in it...
Anyhoo, we started with 2 Fast 2 Furious, which featured Suki.
Who just looked wrong. Face, body, arms - actually, you know that there author Whitley Streiber who kept being bumprobed by space monsters, and created the now stereotypical spindly space monster with the overelongated arms, pipe cleaner legs, skeletal body, triangular face and wangy triangle eyes? That's her, that is!
And there was no other pretties at all in it! Even the undercover cop woman (not Eva Mendez, the one tapping the corrupt cop. Not the corrupt cop who's the racer, the corrupt cop working for the gangland boss with a penchant for a double cross. Although despite this corrupt cop double crossing the gangland boss, the gangland boss is double crossing the other corrupt cop... who in turn is also double crossing the gangland boss... where was I again? Oh, right...)
Even the not-Eva Mendez undercover cop woman looks like a bad trannie in drag!
Ok, so there's Eva Mendez... who just didn't appeal to Xym at all, looking like a right miseryarse in an inappropriate outfit.
But then we're on to Fast And Furious: Tokyo Drift, which is a truly appalling filum. Filled with dreadful, dreadful teen ickiness.
OK, so it's set in a Japanese school, where all kids are about 25, but still have an ugly cast. There's maybe one or two passable Pretties in the entire movie, but the lead Yakuza kid...
...flatface! It's the only thing you think whenever he's on screen. Especially when in profile to emphasize how flat the front of his face is!
Most people have rounded brows, protuding noses, pursed lips, a chin ...this bloke - FLAT! It's like someone's taken Wallace (out of Wallace and Gromit) and spent some time ironing his plasticine face. Or sanded it down with a face sander. Or stuck his head in a trouser press, or one of them huge hydraulic presses like in Terminator at the end, and his facial frontage was somewhat suppler than the rear of his cranium, and squished it all down flat.
No wonder he was an angry young man (I mean triad yakuza schoolboy racing driver King Of the Drift who was too thick to notice he was being double crossed by a double crossing double crosser) having to live with the flattest of flat faces of the manta-ray persuasion. or something.
On the plus side, I think I've found a new drinking game out of it! Settle down with several bottles of boze ter t'baby (nice broon boze, mind, to go wi' t'bombay mix) and down a shot when:
● Token black sidekick calls whitey driver Bro' but mispronounces it Breh or Brah
● Shot of foot flooring the clutch as gear change is made
● Camera angle from floor as a pair of impossibly thin legs stride past until a micro
skirt is revealed
● Camera follows Dat Ass until it pans over to someone leaning over a bonnet just
pulling on a ratcher
● Camera pans past someone in a most improbable and uncomfortable pose, clearly
meant to be a "model shot"
● Camera flies through the car components until it reaches a canister of NOS
● Someone presses a turbo button and looks really shocked at the result (depsite
being a frequent racer who uses the NOS turbo frequently)
● White Guy is coerced into proving himself
● A deal is made
● Someone points out they only ride for pink slips
● The moment intial enemies becomes friends
● There's a double cross or unexpected twist.
● Some dumbass does something dumb
● A car crashes into a parked car
● A crowd of people have to part or run out of the way of the race
● You think How the fuck can they afford all these cars? where do they get the
money to repair them?
● You think How come all the roads are totally empty when there's a race, and
fairly light traffic to weave around in rush hour when chased by Da Cops?
● You think They alll have quite unique and identifyable cars? Why are they
never identified or arrested by Da Police?
● You think Why has no-one called an ambulance, or gone to help the driver
when one car crashes? Why does no-one cares when a car goes over a cliff,
and just keeps watching the race and congratulate the winner?
● You think Why are there no fit birds in this movie?
Pretty sure you'll be legless after 20 minutes (Which I pretty much wished I was, 20 minutes into Tokyo Drift!)
Oh well, only 3 more to go... and apparently, the first three are the worst, so hopefully things'll get better. One hopes...
