Babe with that there haircut!
Who's haircut?
Rod Stewart's!
Rod Effin' Stewart indeed!
Well, I said I'd do it! It was follicle chopment and bleachening time, so we began on my David Blowie Gobbling King cranial magnificence!
And boy, what magnificence it is!
Having shaven havens on the sides means shortness of sidemane, so whilst it builds up into a proper Jareth cut, we've got the basics in place.
Which means I look like Rod Bloody Stewart!
Well, at least that means people want my body, AND they think I'm sexy! But as long as they don't cum on sugar to let me know.
Not that I can have much sugar at the moment, be it doused in spurty snatch spunk or not!
Anyhoo, I am looking like a Eighties throwback, and so far (apart from Rodders), I have been compared to:
● Tina Turnip
● Limahl
● Twisted Sister
● Pat Sharpe
● Dave Lee Goth
● Catweazle
● Cliff Richard
and worst of all:
● Black Lace!
Rod Stewart is bad enough, but Black Lace? Nooooo!
♪ Doo Doo Doo, Fuck off and fuck your conga!
Doo Doo Doo, and then fuck off some more! ♫
Which also leads me into tonights Dance, Magic Dance class! For within that, we do 4 moves:
Swing Out (♪ don't stop to ask, Now you've found a break to make it last. You've got to find a way, say what you want to say ♪♫) Lindy Turn, Lindy Circle, and Lindy Charleston...
...and doing that Charleston always makes me think of Black Lace singing the Hokey Cokey (or Hokey Pokey of you're an American. Who's fond of poking. Probably in a sexy way during a Lambada. probably. or something).
And doing Charleston with Black Lace Hokey Cokey in yer head whilst sporting an Eighties mullety Black Lacey barnet is never good!
The Eighties is for Life, not just a Decade!
Anyhoo, flash forward pass class to GRADUATION and the Big Band - Them There King Size Barbapapas. Now, after my Near Demise, I need to take it easy, so I expended all of my energy upon Beginners Class, so I can rest me heartrate after.
And typically, for the first time ever... I gets asked to dance! And by a Pretty too!
And naturally, I had to decline, due to the exertion from Class upon me internals.
That's because of my Heart Condition, NOT the fact that a Pretty asked me to dance! Because I would have taken her up on it - not panicked, got all anxiety-y, retreated into my shell, and then fled in embarassment. Because that's the OLD Xym - not the post-death Grab-life-by-the-horns Xym...
...honest!
Yeah, I panicked as usual! Y'all know me - I'm more a solo dancer, not a Partner dancer. And if anyone try and approach me... especially when all alone, without my circlet of companions.... Run, Xym, Run!
No... RUM, Xym, RUM! CAPTAIN Xym! Spiced Gold! Texas Tea...
And talking of tea.... reminds me of Cream Tea, and Harriet's Tea Rooms!
Now, I was walking down Londinium Street, as you do, when I passed this scone emporium. I've never been in there myself, however I have seen them Waitresses in their saucy maid outfits as they delivery creamy jammy treats to those scone seekers sunning in the sun.
And everytime one pops out (oo-er missus), I have the same thought:
"He WAS trying to pork me, y'know"
This is because the Waitresses look like this:
Now, maybe it's just me, but it seems like the outfits of those raven-haired temptresses from Below Stairs at Harriets are suspiciously similar to the smashing blouse of the servant girl out of Bottom!
But I bet if I went in there, with me Rik Mayall fingers, I'd be bunged out quick-smart ("Well, I've never been "bunged out" before, but I'm game for anything!")
But I bet if I went in there, with me Rik Mayall fingers, I'd be bunged out quick-smart ("Well, I've never been "bunged out" before, but I'm game for anything!")
"Oh! A spirited filly. And good teeth, too. Yes, yes, fine stock. Mmm... Firm!"
"Do you mind?!"
"It's interesting, this relationship, isn't it?"
"Interesting in what way?"
"Well, in that you're the servant girl and I'm the master. And you have to do everything I say!"
"I was wondering if you wanted me to turn your bed down?"
"What do you mean?"
"Some guests like the sheets pulled down."
"Do they? Yes! Yes, and get down on all fours and scrub out the fireplace so your bum wobbles about. Oh, and while we're on the subject, I wonder if you could show me how to use the shower?"
"Well, um You just turn these taps on here."
"No, no. I mean, I wonder if you could properly show me how to use it. You know, get your kit off and get all sort of soapy and let rivulets of water run between your heaving breasts."
"I thought you just got married this morning?"
"Well, yes, but my wife doesn't understand me."
"I think you'll find I understand you only too well!"
"Edwina! This is not what it seems!"
"You were trying to pork her!"
"No! I simply don't understand how the shower works."
"He WAS trying to pork me, y'know."
Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=bottom-1991&episode=s03e05
"'course he was, my dear. Men! P'shaw! They're only ever after one thing! Sexist bastards! Us birds should stick together. Maybe in the nude. Tell me, my dear are you at all interested in the pleasures of Sappho? Perhaps you'd like to come on a winter wonderland waterbed cruise to the Isle of Lesbos?"
