Thursday, 31 May 2012

Xym's list of exciting stuff (June '12)...

A list of upcoming stuffs what The Xym is sort-of looking forward to.

Jump to section: Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Film

01 Jun 2012 Prometheus 3D
Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. The 'Space Jockey' from Alien is featured in the new trailer, so it's part of the Alien mythos anyways.
01 Jun 2012 Snow White & The Huntsman
08 Jun 2012 The Inkeepers
08 Jun 2012 The Pact
14 Jun 2012 Frankenstein
(live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Benedict Cumberbatch as The Creation for this performance
17 Jun 2012 Frankenstein
(live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Johnny Lee Miller as The Creation for this performance
20 June 2012 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 3D
29 Jun 2012 Storage 24
Serial killing space monsters stalk teens locked in a warehouse…
04 Jul 2012 The Amazing Spider-Man 3D
I held off putting this on my list of exciting stuff, as another reboot of Spidey does not excite The Xym. Think I may retitle it to list of Interesting Stuff!
20 Jul 2012 The Dark Knight Rises
Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman
27 Jul 2012 Dr Seuss' The Lorax
"I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees,
Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please;
But I also speak for the brown Barbaloots,
Who frolicked and played in their Barbaloot suits,
Happily eating Truffula fruits."

17 Aug 2012 The Bourne Legacy
Seems to be a reboot/remake of The Bourne Identity.
22 Aug 2012 Total Recall
[unnecessary] Remake… but ♥♥♥Kate Beckinsale♥♥♥☺ is in it…
14 Sep 2012 Resident Evil: Retribution
21 Sep 2012 Dredd
Karl Urban (as Dredd) will NOT remove the helmet. Despite Olivia Thirlby playing PSI Anderson, they're fending off Lena Headey's drug gang… apparently The Dark Judges are being held back for the [potential] sequel…
28 Sep 2012 Looper
Time Travel assasinatory type shennanigans
12 Oct 2012 Frankenweenie
Tim Burton's full length stop-motion movie (based on his short film)
31 Oct 2012 Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
16 Nov 2012 Breaking Dawn part 2
14 Dec 2012 Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
11 Jan 2013 Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
I thought it was this year… apparently, it's next year. Bollocks.
11 Jan 2013 Les Misérables
Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!!
08 Mar 2013 Oz: The Great & The Powerful
Prequel to Wizard of Oz
15 Mar 2013 Stephen King's Carrie
Chloe Grace Moretz to play Carrietta White, Julianne Moore to play Margaret White
22 Mar 2013 Jack The Giant Killer
12 Apr 2013 Evil Dead
Remake in progress.
03 May 2013 Iron Man 3
10 May 2013 Pacific Rim
Guillero Del Toro's Kaiju homage. Giant sea monsters awaken, only to be fought off by giant robots piloted by humans!
17 May 2013 Star Trek 2
32 May 2013 The Lone Ranger
Johnny Depp as Tonto…
14 Jun 2013 Man Of Steel
Zack Snyder reboots Superman…
26 Jul 2013 Wolverine, The
Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel
?? Jul 2013 Robopocalypse
Spielberg adap of Daniel H Wilson Rise Of The Machines type novel
09 Aug 2013 Robocop
Remake… and Robocop will have a visor so you can see Murphy's eyes/face. Just like Stallone ruining Judge Dredd by removing the helmet, now you see Robocops face all the time. Oh well…
04 Oct 2013 Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For
22 Nov 2013 Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
15 Nov 2013 Thor 2
13 Dec 2013 Hobbit: There And Back Again
25 Dec 2013 Ninja Turtles
Formerly Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Rebooted. Again. By Michael Bay. Space aliens invade, and inadvertently spawn nunja turtles. Fuck.
14 Mar 2014 Maleficent
Snow White from the Queen's persepective. Angelina Jolie now cast!
04 Apr 2014 Captain America 2
29 Jun 2014 Transformers 4
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

In Development

?? ??? 2012 .[rec]4: Apocalypse
?? ??? 2012 Bill & Ted #3
?? ??? 2012 Dracula 3D
BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!!
?? ??? 2012 Mama
New spooky Guillero del Toro movie.
?? ??? 2012 Smiley
?? ??? 2012 Thale
Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012
?? Apr 2013 Oblivion
?? ??? 2013 Day of the Triffids
Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi producing
?? ??? 2013 Frozen
Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen"
?? ??? 2013 Girl Who Played With Fire
David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie
?? ??? 2013 Pride and Prejudice... and Zombies
?? ??? 2013 Rentaghost: The Movie
Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford
?? ??? 2013 Short Circuit
Remake. Oh Mr Johnny Five, this good news, no?
?? ??? 2013 Stephen King's The Stand
Remake directed by Ben Affleck
?? ??? 2013 Suspiria
Back on again (probably without Natalie Portman now)
?? ??? 2014 Godzilla
Warner Brothers reboot. Again.
?? ??? 2014 The Night Stalker
Johnny Depp as Kolchak in the film adap of the series
?? ??? 2014 Woman in Black: Angels of Death
Hammer's [unnecessary] sequel to The Woman In Black set 20 years later…
?? ??? 2014 Zorro Reborn
"The Fox" is rebooted!
?? ??? 2015 Doctor Who
David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on
?? ??? ???? Atlantis Rising
Comic book adap - may be a miniseries?
?? ??? ???? Beetlejuice 2
Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, etc
?? ??? ???? Boy Scouts vs Zombies
Jesus. It gets worse…
?? ??? ???? Carpe Diem: The Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom
With a title like that, I gotta see it!
?? ??? ???? The Crow
Legal details now resolved, so reboot going ahead. Can't see this being an improvement on the original.
?? ??? ???? Dinosaurs vs Aliens
Barry Sonnenfield directing Grant Morrisson's adap of his graphic novel
?? ??? ???? Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest
Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie
?? ??? ???? The Graveyard Book
Henry Selick adapting another Neil Gaiman book.
?? ??? ???? Hallowe'en
Another reboot - can't be worse than the Rob Zombie mess
?? ??? ???? Hulk 3
?? ??? ???? Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay
?? ??? ???? I Am Legend 2
How can he be a legend again? Oh, he wasn't in the first film either… JUST MAKE "I AM LEGEND" PROPERLY!
?? ??? ???? Jitters
Giant killer insects…
?? ??? ???? Kick Ass 2: Balls To The Wall
?? ??? ???? Little Shop Of Horrors
Remake of the Musical version, developed by (and starring) Joseph Gordon-Levitt
?? ??? ???? Monty Python's…
Untitled tale of aliens giving superpowers to a human for laughs. All the remaining Pythons… except, of course, Eric Idle who's refusing at the moment.
?? ??? ???? The Mummy
Part of Universal's 100 year celebrations, another reboot
?? ??? ???? Neuromancer
Adap of William Gibson novel
?? ??? ???? Night Of The Living
Tim Burton & Seth Grahame-Smith developing
?? ??? ???? Pinocchio
Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto). Or, maybe not Burton now - rumour is that Guillermo del Toro has taken over, with Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Waits…
?? ??? ???? Poltergeist
Sam Raimi remaking
?? ??? ???? Here There Be Monsters
18th Century sea monster stuff
?? ??? ???? Time After Time
Remake of the 80s classic - Jack The Ripper escapes to modern times in HG Wells Time Machine, chased by… HG Wells himself!
?? ??? ???? Timecrimes
US Remake of the Spanish classic
?? ??? ???? Triplets!
Sequel to Twins! Schwarzenegger and DeVito discover their long-lost Brother (Eddie Murphy)…
Recently confirmed by DeVito as actually being in development. Oh dear….

?? ??? ???? X-Men: First Class 2
Given the go-ahead.
?? ??? ???? Van Helsing
Reboot, with Tom Cruise as Van Helsing…
?? ??? ???? Venom
Spidey-Man spin off
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Blu-Ray

04 Jun 2012 Babycall
04 Jun 2012 Dune
David Lynch version - unsure which cut(s) are included yet
04 Jun 2012 Eraserhead
04 Jun 2012 Return of the Living Dead
Rescheduled
04 Jun 2012 Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks and the Last Seven Days of Laura Palmer
NOT the restored version, and not with the David Lynch approved score. Boo!
11 Jun 2012 Blood Car
18 Jun 2012 The Woman In Black
25 Jun 2012 Ghost Rider 2
25 Jun 2012 Howl's Moving Castle/Tales From Earthsea
Double movie pack
02 Jul 2012 John Carter
09 Jul 2012 War of the Worlds
Series 2 of the 1989 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only)
20 Aug 2012 Puppetmaster
27 Aug 2012 Walking Dead (Series 2)
30 Aug 2012 War of the Worlds: Goliath
Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D.
15 Oct 2012 American Horror Story (series 1)
31 Oct 2012 Little Shop Of Horrors: The Intended Cut
2 Disc edition, and rumoured to have various cuts & songs restored. Also included should be the original ending... IN COLOR!
The original 20min, $5million, end sequence (where Seymor & Audrey are et, and hordes of Audrey II's go on the rampage) was re-shot when preview audiences hated it. Now:
• Frank Oz believed he used the original tapes to re-shoot the revised ending, leaving just a pre-edit black & white workprint, with incomplete sound & F/X (easily findable on YouTube)
• David Geffen believes he has the original print, hence why he got the original DVD (which had the B&W workprint as a bonus feature) pulled from the shelves. He wanted to release the full version, with original, color ending in cinemas. He still maintains he has the original color version (ready for release?).
• Some employees at Disney have reported seeing the full version with color ending in private screening (allegedly)
• Warner Brothers confirmed that they also had a copy of the color ending, but it was lost in a fire in 2002.
So who knows for sure!

?? Oct 2012 Evangelion 3.33: Quickening
?? ??? 2012 Blade Runner
30th Anniversary Edition
?? ??? 2012 War Of The Worlds: The True Story
Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary
?? ??? ???? Kill Bill Redux
Volumes 1 & 2 re-edited into one movie
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

TV

06 Jun 2012 Bedlam (Series 2)
Showing in UK on: Sky Living
31 Oct 2012 Secret Of Crickley Hall
Showing in UK on: BBC
Autumn 2012 Red Dwarf
Showing in UK on: Dave.
New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start)

Latter 2012 Primeval: New World
Latter 2012 Walking Dead (Series 3)
?? ??? 2012 American Horror Story (series 2)
Greenlit
?? ??? 2012 The Best Possible Taste
BBC4 - 90min Kenny Everett Biopic
?? ??? 2012 Sinbad
New mini-series
?? ??? ???? Game Of Thrones (series 3)
Filming begins May/June 2012
?? ??? ???? American Gods
HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman
?? ??? ???? Gotham
?? ??? ???? Grimm (Series 2)
?? ??? ???? Journey To The West
13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK
?? ??? ???? Mockingbird Lane
Remake of The Munsters. Eddie Izzard in negotiations to plat Grandpa. Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller at the helm
?? ??? ???? New Nabors
A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!!
?? ??? ???? Once Upon A Time (Series 2)
?? ??? ???? 666 Park Avenue
?? ??? ???? Space 2099
Yes, they're rebooting Gerry Anderson's Space 1999 in a new century…
?? ??? ???? Star Wars: Underworld
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Music

?? Jun 2012 Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter
Adam Ant
New Album! Double CD put back to June to coincide with launch of some documentary in May.
Rumoured tracklisting:
1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy

?? Nov 2012 War Of The Worlds: The New Generation
Jeff Wayne's re-recording of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. This Is NOT the live concert/show, but a new vision of the original concept album
Richard Burton replaced with Liam Neeson
David Essex replaced by The Kaiser Chief's Ricky Wilson

?? ??? 2012 Made Glorious
The March Violets
New Album!

Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Gigs

01 Jun 2012 Pout At The Devil
Norwich WhatACunt
13 Jul 2012 Adam Ant
Ipswich
16 Sep 2012 The Cult
Londinium - Wembley arena
Support from The Mission AND Killing Joke! 5 day tour:
11th - Newcastle Radio Arena
12th - Sheffield Motorpoint Arena
14th Manchester Arena
15th Birmingham LG Arena

29 Sep 2012 John Cooper-Clarke
Norwich Arse Centre
Sep/Oct '12 Ultravox
Specific dates/venues to be announced May 15th
22 Oct 2012 Lacuna Coil
The Waterfront
25 Oct 2012 Hazel O'Connor
Norwich WhatACunt
31 Oct 2012 Fields of the Nephilim
Shepherd's Bush Empire
Moved due to the cancellation of the Sonisphere festival

21 Nov 2012 Adam Ant
Norwich UEA
11 Dec 2012 Human League
Norwich UEA
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Games

31 Oct 2012 Assassins Creed III
?? Oct 2012 Silent Hill: Book of Memories
20 Nov 2012 Resident Evil 6
?? ??? 2012 Animal Crossing 3Ds
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Books

21 Jun 2012 Whispers Under Ground
Ben Aaronovitch (Rivers of London #3)
?? June 2012 Before Watchmen
Shameless cash-in against the wishes of Alan Moore. And just about everyone else.
?? Aug 2012 No Sharks in the Med and Other Stories
Lumley, Brian
1. Fruiting Bodies, 2. The Sun, the Sea, and the Silent Scream, 3. The Picnickers, 4. The Viaduct, 5. The Luststone, 6. The Whisperer, 7. No Sharks in the Med, 8. The Pit-Yakker, 9. The Place of Waiting, 10. The Man Who Killed Kew Gardens, 11. My Thing Friday, 12. The Disapproval of Jeremy Cleave

06 Sep 2012 The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds
Rankin, Robert
?? Nov 2012 Blake's 7: Archangel
Harrison, Scott
New B7 novel set between series 2 episodes 6 (Trial) and 7 (Killer)

?? ??? 2012 The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age
Rankin, Robert
?? ??? 2012 e-Book back Catalogue
Lumley, Brian - in negotiations
?? ??? 2012 Necroscope: The Möbius Murders
Lumley, Brian
01 Jan 2013 Sisterhood of Dune
Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J.
?? ??? ???? The Chickens of Atlantis and other Foul and Filthy Fiends
Rankin, Robert
13 May 2013 Blood of Dragons
Robin Hobb
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Audiobooks

31 Aug 2012 Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2
1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba].
Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally

?? Feb 2013 Retromancer
Robert Rankin adaptation in 13 half-hour episodes. To be aired on BBC Radio Feb 2013
?? ??? 2013 Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #3
1. [tba], 2. [tba], 3. [tba].
Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow, Michael Keating, Jan Chappell, Stephen Greif & Jacqueline Pearce reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon, Vila Restal, Cally, Travis and Servalan

?? ??? 2013 Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #4
See Liberator Chronicles #3 above
?? ??? 2013 Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #5
See Liberator Chronicles #3 above
?? ??? 2013 Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #6
See Liberator Chronicles #3 above
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

In Limbo

IN LIMBO Akira
Production once again halted…
IN LIMBO At The Mountains Of Madness
Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro.
IN LIMBO Chrome
Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick
IN LIMBO Forbidden Planet
Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski
IN LIMBO Good Omens
Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam
IN LIMBO Hawk The Hunter
Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding.
IN LIMBO Hawk The Destroyer
Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter
IN LIMBO Myst
Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time"
IN LIMBO Necroscope
Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months
IN LIMBO Neverwhere
Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director
IN LIMBO Power of the Dark Crystal
Sequel to The Dark Crystal
Back on hold as of 21 Feb 2012, as OmniLab cut all funding due to the failure of their crap film 'The Killer Elite'. The Henson Group may speak to them later in 2012 about further development, or seek a new partner, or can the whole project. Again.

IN LIMBO Sandman
Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down.
IN LIMBO Stephen King's 'IT'
David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months.
IN LIMBO Tripods, The
Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America.
IN LIMBO Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer
Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Last month

31 May 2012 House By The Cemetery: Ltd
Rescheduled
31 May 2012 Blake's 7: The Forgotten
Scott,Cavan & Wright, Mark
New B7 novel set between series 1 episodes 7 (Mission To Destiny) and 8 (Duel)

30 May 2012 Gary Numan
Cambridge Junction
Machine Music Tour

28 May 2012 Brilliant
Ultravox
New Album!

28 May 2012 The Artist
25 May 2012 Tales of the Night
6 French fairytales in silhouette animation (like Limbo? Ooooh!)
25 May 2012 Men In Black 3D
21 May 2012 Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex: Solid State Society
21 May 2012 Choice Of Weapon: Deluxe Edition
The Cult
New Album!
CD1: 1. Honey From A Knife, 2. Elemental Light, 3. The Wolf, 4. Life > Death, 5. For The Animals, 6. Amnesia, 7. Wilderness Now, 8. Lucifer, 9. A Pale Horse, 10. This Night In The City Forever
CD2: 1. Every Man And Woman Is A Star, 2. Embers, 3. Until The Light Takes Us, 4. Siberia

20 May 2012 Inspiral Carpets
Norwich WhatACunt
Rescheduled from 18th March

18 May 2012 A Confusion Of Princes
Garth Nix
17 May 2012 CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS: CEREMONiAL EDiTION
Delayed slightly as the manufacturer pressed standard Black Vinyl instead of the limited edition Red. Now rectified and being put together for dispatch.
17 May 2012 Blancmange
Norwich Arse Centre
14 May 2012 Walking Dead (Series 2)
Showing in UK on: Five
14 May 2012 Underworld: Awakening
14 May 2012 Terminator
14 May 2012 Sherlock Holmes: Game Of Shadows
11 May 2012 .[rec]3: Génesis
11 May 2012 Piranha 3DD
Oh my sweet lord NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
11 May 2012 Dark Shadows
Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !!
10 May 2012 Neil Innes
Norwich Arse Centre
04 May 2012 Silent House
Remake of the Uruguayan movie, done in one shot. Allegedly.
04 May 2012 Juan of the Dead
Cuban Zombies
04 May 2012 Fear itself
Showing in UK on: Five*
?? May 2012 Dial H
China Miéville involved in rebooting the comic series Dial H For Hero
Jump to section:Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

I felt safest of all...

Berserker
    Metal

         The Fall
             Bombers
                 Crazier
                     Call Out The Dogs
                         Dominion Day
                             This Wreckage
                                 Absolution
                                     That's Too Bad
                                         In A Dark Place
                                             Down In The Park
                                                 RIP
                                                     Love Needs No Disguise
                                                         Warriors
                                                             I Die, You Die
                                                                 We Are Glass
*Encore*
     Healing
         Cars
             Are "Friends" Electric

Gary Numan, Machine Music Tour, 30 May 2012, The Junction, Cambridge


Tuesday, 29 May 2012

I ain't 'fraid of no oats...

Aaarrrggh!

There be Fortean foodstuffs arising and supporting their baked brethren!

Now, I've just been for a poo. As you do. And on my return from dropping the kids off at the pool, I noted that by The Gents, on a cupboard at the end of Babe Boulevard, there is a discarded copy of last Wednesday's Daily Jugs.

And my eyes were struck by the shock headline:

PORRIDGE VOTES!

Inanimate bowls of quaking oaty goodness, taking to the polls and casting their decision upon something-or-other!

And one can only conclude that it's taken until today for the Oats So Simple votes to be counted. And what actually is it that porridge votes on?

Well, judging by The Tories, sorry Coalition, U-Bend of cancelling the 20% VAT on ambient pasties, clearly Ready Brek is not happy with just saving their pastry bedmates, for the watery milky meal went one further and voted on a cut in caravans!

So, what does this mean for the rest of The Cuts?

Poligrip rising up and voting for overturning the Granny Tax?

Protractors and rulers voting for a U-Boa on Tuition fees?

Big hefty tankers, discharging their seamen to vote on it's behalf againt Fuel Tax hikes?

No wonder I can never find the TV/DVD/Video/PS3/Virgin Media Box remotes - they're all off down the Community Centre! Sentient appliances voting against austerity!

Grease is the word
It's the word
That you heard
It's got groove
It's got meat in
(because it's just been scraped out the frying pan and therefore engrained with granular bits of bacon, sausage & black pudding that once sizzled in the pan, before taking their leave and breaking their fast down the polling station with the museli, gruel porridge and cornflakes).

Porrige votes indeed - with them politic men stop at nothing to increase their share of the vote? Recalibrate boundaries and include the rights of telepathic vegetables before they rise up in a tide of herbivorian vengeance.

Or something...