A biscuit clearly dunked in the watery Wensum river!
See, Norfolk & Suffolk is often scorned on comedy shows for it's backward, tractor-driving, beet-eating, web-fingered inbred yokels. I think the calibre of News yesterday justifies the stereotyping of these moon-faced morons:
And to cap it all, they have a Comments Section, where they actuall invite the slack-jawed locals to "comment on their experience" of having rain in Norwich.
Really? Has Norwich never had inclemental weather? It's actually headline news on their website that It Rained A Bit In Norwich As It Has Many Times Before? Jesus Christ - there literally is no hope!
Tell you what, Mr Eastern Evening News reporter - I'll send you a comment:
Once upon a Wednesday arvo
As I looked out of office window
at many a grey and brooding stormcloud of ill forbidding rain
As I engaged in office chatter
Suddenly, I heard a clatter
As of something gently patter
splatter on my window pane
"'tis pissing down" I muttered, "typical fucking twatarse pain
Where's me brolly? Home again!"
Still, at least they made up for the ridiculous shock news of rainfall in Norfolk with tales of employment for enchanted mythical monsters.
Todays headline news is that Some Maniac Ran Amok in Secondhand Land!
Forget your Columbine Colleges and Aurora Cinemas - we have a mad loon taking an axe to Steptoe and Son!
But what drove this maniac to assault reflective cabinets and windows? I think I know the answer from this part of the article:
"Goblin Demirci, who runs Cafe Corner opposite the shop..."
O-ho! Goblin Demirci! Well, there's your problem, right there! I too would have taken an axe to the window if I had seen a suspicious sprite of unfriendly Leprechaunage in the window!1
So what if it was a reflection in the window of the Kobold across the street - he didn't realise it was behind him - he thought it was a small deformed pixie in front of him, about to leap up and eat his face off in an orcish fashion!
So can you blame him for whipping his chopper out and flailing it at the woman in the window?
Forget Goblin Demirci - I wonder if any other færiefolk are running businesses across the City.
Is that Feet Eating Fish Spa on St Stephens run by Mermaid Poole? The almost neighbouring Fat Birds Tent-Sized Dress shop run by Troll Ingham-Bridge? The Loft gay bar run by Fairy Clary?
I know Starbucks should be renamed Stardust for the angelic Pixie Pretties, but I don't expect the Evening News to be racistly [mythical-speciesistly?] reporting on the race of their witnesses!
Perhaps I need to re-introduce my Rain Man reply to the surprise shock of this new fangled thing called aqua from the heavens that confused and bewildered the precipitationally unaware journalists (journos pissed?) who have to tell the dwellers of Norfuck of this blight of falling Stuff From The Skies:
Sasquatch Xymon, who works in IT with other malformed portly Abdominal Snowfolk, said today "Once upon a Wednesday arvo..."
See - I'll be dead ace at being a Roving Reporter me!
And I even have Making My Excuses And Leaving off to a Tee...
...although I'd rather be making an excuse to get her to leave her Tee off...
And I don't mean golf...
1UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S A MISPRINT, AND THEY MEANT GOBBLING DEMIRCI, WHICH HAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION!
GOBBLING ALL THE FOOD IN THE CAFÉ, OF COURSE!
WHAT? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
YOU THOUGHT...
...WELL, THAT'S ALL YOU, THAT IS! YOU SICK PERVY...
