There's a gentleman that's drivin' 'round, turnin' your life upside down...

Yay! The World Service to rid the world of Satan has begun!

For soon, the Spawn Of The Pit may be off our screens thanks to a new service that's starting up in New York City.

The DNA van!

No longer need we suffer the scorn of Satan's scrotum screaming "you shoulda put something on the end of it then!", for instead of the trek to be belittled on daytime TV, you can wait for the DNA van to turn up, get a DNA test done, and Bob's your uncle!

Or your gay lover.

Who's also your brother.

Or something.

Imagine the KLF - all bound for Mu-Mu land in their Ice Cream van, disseminating (inseminating?) 99s with a monthly CSA payment deduction!

"I'd like a FAB for me, a 99 with two flakes for 'my' kid, a screwball for the deceitful adulterous tart that's my so-called devoted partner, and a DNA test on the sprog coz she's been screwing the balls off the postman."

"Would you like sprinkles on that DNA"

"As long as it's not the neighbours nuts giving the missus minge a creamy oyster, I don't care. Just... skip the raspberry sauce coz I don't want reminding of her on-the-blob bonking the builder"

"I have a Graham and Aftercare Team in the chiller - Can I tempt you with that"

"Nah, just the ices and the DNA please... unless you have one of those all-important lie detector tests?"

"Hey, just what you see, pal"

"Ok, I'll take that phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range. That'll sort her & her milkman out"

You know how ice-cream vans drive round the neighbourhood blasting out Greensleeves,Teddy Bears Picnic, Oh Susannah, and other tinkly fairydust music to tempt kiddies out to their pædomobile ice-cream van? I expect that these mobile DNA vans blare out "Annie! I'm Not Your Daddy!" or Michael Jackson's Billy Jean "But The Kid Is Not My Son!"

Oooh - they could sell Jesus Juice too!

I'm gonna get me a franchise! It'll be like Cheggers Doorstop challenge "Cheggers Knocks You Up" - except more like Jeremy Kyle!

That way, I can find these council estates where everyone is having The Sex non-stop, identify these slack-knickered strumpets that oft plague the JK show, and grab a bit of the action whilst berating their "deadbeat dad" boyfriends!

And gets lots of ice-cream too!

Nothing but Carte D'or, Hagen Daas and Ben & Jerry's to lure the ladies in!

Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!