Now, you may recall way back in 2009, I mentioned the rise of Alien Invasion Craft not being Alien Invasion Craft, but 100ft long giant jellyfishies, floating about the Aquasphere and snatching up hillbilly folk with their tentacular tendrils for the anal probeage.
Guess what - 3½ years later, a new theory has just come out!
Alien Invasion Craft are not Alien Invasion Craft, but 100ft long giant jellyfishies, floating about the Aquasphere and snatching up hillbilly folk with their tentacular tendrils for the anal probeage!
And they're from Outer Space!
Electric lights surrounding the craft? Not at all - thems are bioluminescent glowy bits like what them deep sea uglyfish have so they can see in the dark! Handy for traversing the pitch black of the Outer Spacial Galaxy.
Seems the aquasphere is densely populated not only by 100ft giant jellyfishies, but all manner of arial equivalents of marine menaces.
Rods would appear to crocodiles. Or pythons. Or Loch Ness Monsteries.
Probably.
Or not.
As the case may be.
Not only that - there's cock shaped craft, like... um... junk sunk in the bathtub... which is almost marine! Aqua-marine if they've gone all blue with the cold, mixed with greeny algæ and mouldy pox.
Remember John Cameroon's The Abyss - Space Monsters dwelling in the depths, rising phallically at women with a head on the tip? How can Alien Invaders live at the bottom of the ocean and manipulate Tsunami waves? Because they LIVE in the water, that's how - in the Aquasphere high above our bonces!
Which means... the Aquasphere extends higher than expected. Right up into the Milky Way, like spunk in a bath. Perhaps.
Forget all that tosh about Space being all vacuums and nothing but dangly planets. What Space is, is a great big expanse of water that allows the Pod Aquapeople From The Planet Mars to swim over like Jaws. Or Megashark. Or Gateroids. or something.
And you know we how we evolved from dinosaurs - Jurassic Shark from Saturn! Swam here in aqua-antiquity and seeded the seas with it's spacespawn!
And all this proves the Roswell conspiracy!
What do Mexicans do? Wear ponchos, drink Tequila, raid villages on horseback1, then, after cultivating a zapata moustache and eating a burrito, they have a siesta. However, between all that, they have a tendency to fire their pistols in the air whilst hollering in a warbly high pitched voice (a bit like a yodel), concluding with a yell of "Arriba!"
Now, firing pistols in the air would, quite clearly, hit any fish floating about in the seas of the Aquasphere. And no doubt, a gunshot to the gelatinous membrane would bring down one of these Alien Hordes.
So, we have mexican banditos shooting in the air, downing Jellycraft From Beyond the Stars.
And where does this all take place? Mexico? New MEXICO? ROSWELL, New Mexico!
And thus, in 1947, Area 51 (or rather, it's proper name - AQUARIUM 51!) was set up to house this Cthulhu-esque denizen of the sea in the sky!
Well, that's proof enough for me! What with them torrential deluges of biblical floodage recently, I daren't go out for fear a narwhal from Neptune swoops down from the aquasphere and skewers me to death!
Resurrection of Christ my arse! He was bit by Judas and he never "ascended to Heaven" - he was stood there, when a 100ft Giant Jellyfishian Tentacle snatched him up for it's tea!
Yes - that kiss (rather BITE) from Judas turned Christ into a VAMPIRE! Remember the bible - "drink this, for this is my blood!" - oh aye? Blood drinker? And then, when he's nailed up, Centurion Longinus tries to put a stake in his heart, misses, and just spears his side. Result - three days later Vamp Jesus rises, praying on virgins called Mary.
I know people call Easter Easter (instead of Eostré) or Zombie Jesus day, but in reality - it's Dracula! Return Of The Undead Messiah day!
"I am Jesus. Time to take ze communion. I vant to suck your blood! Aaarrrggh! No - not ze cross, I got hurt on that! Aieeeeee! Flee the sunlight! Well, bugger me! Thomas, doubt ye not, but there's a great big fuck off 100ft giant jellyfish floating above the Mount! Perhaps it's Dad to take my back home to heaven!"
"No, you daft sod! I'm Abdullha, The Flying Starfish from Uranus, and you schmuck, are my tea. George for the water vipers of Venus and other interplanetary aquaphibious species. Or some such".
1 WHY VILLAGES ARE ON HORSEBACK, I DON'T KNOW. PERHAPS I MEANT VILLAGERS ON HORSEBACK. OR HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE. OR HOW'S YOUR FATHER. OR SOMETHING.
