Watch out, beadle's a twat
You'd better watch out
Watch out, beadle's a right fucking cunt!
You'd better watch out
Watch out, beadle's a right fucking cunt!
Now, at work we were discussing space monsters first contact situations.
As you do in IT.
Some were saying futuristic spacefarers would be highly advanced, and thus all peaceful knowledge sharing harmoniously living vegan hippy loons.
Other that our future intergalactic overlords would be highly advanced, they'd think of nothing other than striding about in their tripods, raping the women and putting the menfolk to the tender mercies of the laser gun.
Of course, some fool pointed out that perhaps we were the Space Monsters. Crashed here millions of years ago, zapped The dinos with their ray guns, nobbed the cavegirl pretties in their skimpy sabre-toothed tiger bikinis1, and their progeny became modern personkind.
Naturally, one of our resident experts put this believer of prehistoric generic meddling in his place, as such ridiculous claims have been refuted by the fossil record and DNA analysis.
And analysis has Anal at the start? Anal probes? Space monstery anal probes?
A-ha! (obliterating a Manhattan Skyline with their death beams, probably fuelled by the trans-perambulation of pseudo cosmic anti-matter, inevitably precipitating a flexi-tangenitial spatial interflux within the symbiotic parameters of existential functionalism)
Of course we're the offspring of... Pod Persons From The Planet Mars! One Professor Bernard Quatermass and his mate Dr Roney proved this with the excavations at Hobb Lane, and the subsequent cleansing. Oh, the purging! The terrible, terrible purging!
But Xym, what of the fossil record?
Well, if you're somewhat mental, you probably believe in God. And before you go off serial killing or murdering your offspring, you probably go around duffing up teachers of Darwinism as a pre-cursor to your maniacal murderous rage. Putting a faithful Jesus sandal into forceful contact with the Unmentionables That Begat Offspring of the scientific community, decrying Darwinism in favour of creationism.
To whit, that the Fossil Record is a load of arse. It's ole God having a bit of a laugh with some old bones Cerberus left lying about. Chapters excised from the edited Book Of Genesis make this very clear.
And after a 7th day of rest, God named himself. And his name was The Lord. And it was Creator. And It was Love. And it was Jeremy Beadle.
And lo, Lord Beadle noticed the gnawed bones he's tossed at Cerberus
"Heh heh heh" chucked Jeremy God, "I tossed my bone. Heh heh heh. Must remember that for the 1990s AD. I'll call it The Book of Mike Judges!"
And Jeremy God looked upon The Earth. And Looked upon the bones. And because The Lord was bored shitless after doing buggery sod all yesterday, on the 8th day The Lord gave forth a mighty chuckle.
"I know. I'll bury these bones. Then, in the future, some fuckwit will dig 'em up. Then, because I'll give him Free Will (so I can blight him if he uses his Free Will and not My Will), I'll make him think they're from great big feck off beasties called Dinosaurs! Ha ha ha ha!"
And thus did The Lord, Thy Prankster, place the bones within The Earth. Job Done, he dusted of his grubby earthy mitts and retired to the Alehouse for a booze up with the other gods.
"You'll never get what, Thoth" said God, as they downed a tankard of Ambrosial mead, "I've planted a load of monster bones in the back garden."
"What the fuck did you do that for?" cried Odin, "Bloody stupid thing to do!"
"Ah! Therein lies The Great, Ineffable, Plan! It's a test, see! To test their faith"
"Like my fat arse it is!" said Buddha. "I sent a priest to recover some scrolls with a Monkey, a Pig and a Water Demon with a dragon transformed into a horse. I set many perils before them before they could recover the scrolls and recieve enlightenment. That's a fuckin' test of faith - not digging up a load of bones!"
"But, " quoth Jeremy God, "They'll think they've found dinosaurs! And then... then, I'll jump out, pull off my stick on beard, and catch them looking all foolish on camera! Remember when I did that to Abraham? Got him onto the top of the mountain, and he almost sacrified Isaac. Oh, the language when I turned up - Bleep Bleep Bleep all over the audio track! Ha ha ha"
"Hold on, " enquired Zeus, "you already have a beard? Why put a false beard?"
"Well, duhhhhr - it's FALSE BEARD - it's a disguise? Christ, you're thick"
And lo, Perseus took exception to his dad being called thick, and mightily smote Beadlegod.
"Oi, Mohammed" called Thor, "you're not drinking, are you. Drive this fucker home and put him to bed. Oh, and make sure he's not laid on any more absolutely "hilarious" japes to catch you out on camera with"
And you know the rest. Jeremy had a beardy wierdy son called Jesus "Matthew Kelly" Christ with the virgin Mary "Sarah Kennedy" Magdalen. Then up rose Lucifer "Henry Kelly" Morningstar, and rebelled with a false show called Going For Gold. And for this shite show, Henry Kelly was renamed Satan and cast into the Pit to torture the anguished souls of Inferni for all time, subjecting them to incessant re-runs of his quiz show.
And not happy with near sacrifice and false dinos, God continued his pranks upon mortal man. The Car Being Knocked Into The River With All The Business Inside As The Owner Grasped His Baldy Head Shouting "NOOOOO!" On The Side, The Council Officials Digging Up The Patio Under A Ridiculous By-Law And Putting The Willies Up Fred & Rose West, and best of all...
..."crashing" a balsa wood spaceship in some dozy woman's back garden, and popping up a ludicrous inflatable green balloon spaceman, convincing the gormstress that a real life space monster had smashed her back doors in, prompting the silly mare to make First Contact and offer it a cup of tea.... only for God, posing as a passing bearded policeman to whip his beard off to reveal himseld as the bearded Jeremy Beadle.
Which brings us full circle!
or should that be... saucer...
Duh duh DUUUHHHHHHHHHH!2
1ACTUALLY, THAT'S ONLY IN THE MOVIES, INNIT. MORE LIKELY, THEY'D FASHION A SABRE-TOOTHED TIGER ONESIE. AND EVEN IN 10,000BC, STILL LOOKING LIKE A RIGHT TIT. ONESIES IN PUBLIC INDEED! THERE WAS SOME TWATETTE ON SATURDAY, WADDLED INTO STARBUCKS IN A FULL PENGUIN ONESIE! WHAT A TOTAL TOSSPIECE! AND THERE WAS ANOTHER WANKSHAFT LOITERING OUTSIDE CHAV'LLTHIEVE MALL IN A LEOPARD ONESIE! BUT DID THE LEOPARD AMBUSH THE PENGUIN AND DINE UPON IT'S STEAMING OFFALLY INNARDS AS IT LEFT STARBUCKS? DID IT BUGGERY SOD AS LIKE! MISERY ARSE TIGERS - YOU'D THINK THEY'D PUT SOME EFFORT INTO THEIR PREDATORY ANTICS, WOULDN'T YOU!
2DRAMATIC SCI-FI EMPHATIC THRILLING EXCLAMATORY MUSIC!
