Damn you Policeman!
Pocket pilfered by Pretties for pennies to purchase Paralympian pop performances. Well, once in a lifetime experience of closing cermenonials. There be the endorfun-filled pleasure and excitement. Rhianna & Jay-Z... well, not top of my musical taste-tree, but no matter.
But that joy be tempered with the fact I now know I'll be confined into a Stadium, and punished with pop plonker C**** M***** and his aural rapey C******y crapitudinal cacophony.
But then it's later, and it not The Black Whore's, but lose-your-Cherry Tree (whoo-hoo!, interrupts Katie Turnstile).
Alas, my regularity of tablature has been snaffled! Where to sit... ah, here on the sofa opposite the reserved for 18th birthday girlie party! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
OH MY! Here comes a Pretty and her not-as-pretty [girl?]friend. Ogley, ogley, oh god they've gone into the other section so I can't ogle 'em up!
And here come mein other quizllings for quaffage of inebriatory winnings with a side order of slow service.
And here comes 18th birthday babe and her gaggle of girlies....
...oh. Forget that. It's Jeremy Kyle family fodder. Gobbyarse mother with a brood of facially repellant feral piglets with a birthday swine in an ill-fitting almost transparent tent.
Walking about with cake on a plate. Frequently replenished.
Ah - happy 18th birthday... on the basis that each 14lb has it's own celebratory "birthday"! And we all know women like to lie about their age, so she's probably knocked a few stone off for good measure. With her waist measured in feet, not inches.
"Go on Xym, " quoth the Drake, "Haggard old-before-her-time 18 tonne drunken porker... I mean Bubbly 18yr woman! You're right in there! Go over and slip her a birthday present"
* notes the ripple rings in the pint glass as it stampedes by *
"Nah, think I'll give Jurassic Pork a miss. Just looking at the troll has blown my candle out"
"Just bend it over the table - don't have to look at it then!"
"Yeah - just have to do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. On that Coal show. A huge drilling excavator to bore my way in and shore it up first"
"Any port in a storm, Xym, any port in a storm"
"
Even the mammoth mater is voicing doubt at her parentage whilst her hog in amoré is off at the bar, snuffling for truffles and more cake (they'd only had 2 huge gateauxs). "I don't believe she's mine, " says the Behemoth to her gathered Gorgons "she looks nothing like me1. I think there was a mix up at the hospital, and my baby was switched. My child is probably having her 18th with some other family and not squealing behind the bar."
For said offspring had been encouraged to find a rôle in life - a worthwhile job.
Mum's suggestion - pull pints in pubs.
Hence the tubster being trained in handpulling on a pump.
But what's this - pub prostitutes! Some lone harlot, sat at the bar, sipping on a pint. I've seen them American TV shows like Columbo and stuff - whorebait often sits on stools at bar to pull a John for 10 mins.
And lo and behold, if the slack-drawered strumpet didn't keep nipping off for a "fag break" with some bloke in the car park. Or the toilets. Puffing on his personal cigarette for money, the dirty cow!
"50p to you, guv'nor!"
"Go on Xym, chat up that... thing!"
No way dude - I'm too busy with this quiz.
A quiz made somewhat difficult for lack of a stereo. A replacement stereo being somewhat worse for wear. A psychic stereo that channelled the spirit of Normal Collier of "comedy" fame. The talents of:
● WALKING about like a CHICKEN;
● TALKING whilst WINDING up an imaginary CAR WINDOW so his voice gets quieter to silence;
And last nights stereo recreation
● The MICROPHONE that keeps skipping and cutting out!
A stuttering mic, a "hotel lobby wine bar" Lady Of The Night weeping into her beer, the birthday Brachiosaurus and her sauropod siblings stampeding about the place as the brontosaurial breeders what bred 'em on pie, cake and beer.
Still - came out with another 8 free pints for next time!
Result!
1EXCEPT SHE DID. THEY WERE SO OBVIOUSLY MOTHER & DAUGHTER. SO SIMILAR. LIKE TWO IDENTICAL VAST CONDOMS FILLED WITH CUSTURD...
