If it's not a disembodied dick rampaging through Vietnam (only to resurface at The Cabin In The Woods) what puts The Fear up ya, it's cannibalistic Koreans making their babysitters into sushi soup.
So, after a night a scary scariness, what could be more traumatic than a scary pumpkin drink?
A scary shouty man, with much of the psychopath about him!
And no - it's not The Xym making a vociferous vocalised ejaculation at a surprise siren of extreme Pretty wandering into Starbucks for the first time.
Although I did have to hold back many a lecherous exclamation upon sighting several strikingly sexy Starbucks sirens sashaying through the store this morrow.
Why, me fingers, all a-wriggle, almost spilt me drink!
And I don't want cream all over me table!
I mean - this Xym in Starbucks, not drunken Polish birds on trains smearing their cream filled purse all over the tables.
Anyhoo, yesterday was the female fapper, surreptitiously fapping with one hand as the other tries to obfuscate the cover of the literary tome she was thoroughly engrossed in1. But does the randified strumpet get all lathered up into a right old hornfest and drag me upstairs for a bout of nobbage in the Starbucks toilets?
Does she 'eck as like!
A Pretty gets herself frothing at the gash, and I don't even get substituted for her fictitious lover.
But today...
Oh today...
I gets all the attention...
FROM MAD MUPPETS!
There I was, a-sipping of my Hallowe'eny beverage, when there's a pounding on the window. For once, it's not Margherita, window licking and smearing his butt all over the window. This was some unkempt loon, bellowing at me, like Bob Mortimer at Nicole's wedding.
Ignore him Ignore him Ignore him Shit I looked up and he's grinning and pointing at me...
Oh fuckicles... he's coming in the store!
HEY! HIYA! HOW YA DOOIN? HOW ARE YA MATE! YEAH!
Shittery shitnuts slathered in shit scented shitsauce - everyone's looking at us! I don't have a clue who this bloke is, and he's acting like my best bud! Smile, nod, say "yeah" and try and hide in the Kindle..
YEAH MATE! THINGS ARE GREAT! YEAH! HAVIN' COFFE YEAH! I HAD MINE ALREADY! I GOT FREE COFFEE! YEAH! I'M MEETING MY MATE OVER THERE IN A MINUTE! COOL BEANS!
Fuck off fuck off fuck off concentrate on Stephen King's 11/22/63. Time Traveller back in Derry. oooh references to IT. Oh fuck he's still here.
YEAH! CATCHYA LATER MATE! GOTTA DASH! GREAT TO SEE YA! SEE YA LATER!
Thank fuck the scary shouty man is gone... but... now everyone thinks he's my best mate. That Pretty I had my eye on is giving me evils now, them other 2 Pretties are shaking their heads at my choice of companionship. Everywhere I look - Pretty's disappointed with no xympathy for my sufferance from the shouting of strangers.
As if I wasn't unpopliar enough - now I got the added baggage that people believe I come with unexpected Bonus Feature of Shouting Mentalcase!
Who'd be me, eh...
1 50 SHADES DARKER. HEY, CUMMY-MUMMY... UNDER-SCARF STROKING OF YOUR SLIPPERY SLOT IN STARBUCKS ISN'T SUBTLE. YEAH - PRETEND TO BE ROCKING IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC, AS YOU FURIOUSLY FINGER YOUR FLANGE AS ANA SUCKS CHRISTIANS POPSICLE.
