Jyhad!
All them religious wars in that there Middle East, and the news never focuses on The Killim Fields.
You have them Arabian Knights, with their holy 1001 Dry Foam, for less than half a crown of thorns. How often does their plight get in the news? Why, I bet you haven't heard any of their hymns since the 1970s. But I reckon you can just about remember the rug hymnal:
♪ One Thousand and One Dry Foam — Does it right!
One Thousand and One Dry Foam — Cleans it bright!
A brighter carpet means a brighter home,
One Thousand and One Dry Foam ♫
One Thousand and One Dry Foam — Cleans it bright!
A brighter carpet means a brighter home,
One Thousand and One Dry Foam ♫
On the other side, you have those who superceded the Dry Foamers. Like poor old England's traditional Pagan/Wiccan/Druidic religion being almost stamped out by mental christians forcing their religion upon our green and peasant land, Dry Foam Devotees were converted (by the sword of advertisement) to rival religion Sheikh 'n' Vac.
This proved popular, because as all Sheikhs know, women should be kept indoors at all times, cleaning up after their menfolk.
However, the act of pouring talc onto tapestries and running a hoover over it created a split in the Church Of Carpetry.
The very act of pouring perfumed powder upon the floor via a holy bottle leads to involuntary sashaying of the posterior, thus leading to full on dancing in wanton abandonment. And from out of this came Gospel Hoovering.
Witness the sermon by Brother Pinescented Glade:
"Let me tell you, Brothers and Sisters. Stale smells up here, Often come from down There. I said, Stale smells up here! Often come from down There! In Satan's cess-pit of a carpet. In you car-pet Brothers. Praise Jesus. Smells from your dawg! Smells from your tobacco too. And I tell you, Brothers and Sisters. I tell you this. Sheikh 'n 'Vac from Glade is here. It's here! on Earth! for eternal scent salvation! Yea, Brothers. Join me in prayer. I said, join me in prayer! Let us raise our voices in song so loud, God Himself! will hear our Hymn. It's all you have to do:
♪ Do the Sheikh 'n' Vac
and put the freshness back
Dooooo the Sheikh 'n' Vac
and put the freshness back
When your carpet smells fresh, your room does too-oo-ooh
Everytime you vacuum, remember what to do
Do the Sheikh 'n' Vac
and put the freshness back ♫
and put the freshness back
Dooooo the Sheikh 'n' Vac
and put the freshness back
When your carpet smells fresh, your room does too-oo-ooh
Everytime you vacuum, remember what to do
Do the Sheikh 'n' Vac
and put the freshness back ♫
But, alas, it's all Radical Clerics, Preachers Of Hate, Radicalised Muslims and Suicide Bombers that get all the press. What about the poor, belitled 1001 Dry Foam Cult and their Jyhad with Sheikh 'n' Vac?
Not a word on the BBC about Honour Killims, where sons/daughters who have converted from Dry Foam to Powder have been ritually slaughtered and rolled up in unkempt carpets soiled by rival religious holy cleansing products.
Not a peep out of Sky on radicalised ruggists, throwing molotov cocktails of shagpile and dryfoam through poundland storefronts.
Not even Talglia Telly covers the genital mutilation of male/female circumcision using the crude opening flaps of dryfoam/power, or taking their viginity with phallic dispensing bottles.
No, because hook handed terrorists are sexy, like Captain Hook in Once Upon A Time.
Not that The Xym finds Cap'n Hook sexy - Ruby/Red Riding Hood all the way! Or Regina as the Evil Queen. Sometimes Mary Margaret. But not Belle - Jesus, never Belle. Hated her in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and hates her in this.
or something.
