Rufen Sie mich Ishmael - Nein! Nennen Sie mich Adolf anstelle von!
Leider ist mein Deutsch nicht sehr gut. Ich sprach nicht Deutsches für ungefähr 22 Jahre, folglich muss ich auf englisch für die unwissenden Dummköpfe schreiben, die einen on-line-Übersetzer nicht sogar benutzen können…
Oder etwas.
Anyhoo, it's often proposed that if you had the ability to go back in Time, would you shoot The Baby Hitler (not, note, The Baby Jesus), thus preventing WWII and all it's horror? Philosophical types will then smugly sit back, puffing on their penile substitutory pipes, pondering on paradoxes and the like.
"Why," they say as they stroke their long grey beards and sniff snuff (whilst watching Snuff on the under-the-counter DVD), "you could prevent World War II and change history. Which you can't, as Time Travel hasn't been invented, otherwise we'd know about it."
That's coz they're gormsters.
We all know that Hitler had Spaceships, Teleportation, The Spear of Longinus*, The Ark of the Covenant, the San Gréal and he signed Indiana Jones's Dad's diary. He also modified his estoteric Flugelrad with chronological displacers and did a Marty McFly by going Back... To The Past!".
And like Marty McFly, his mum probably tried to cop off with him - which just goes to show what a depraved family he came from!
And that's why you can never go back and kill Hitler. Obviously, being highly skilled in the evil and nefarious plans department, it would have occurred to him that he wasn't all that popular by the end. And so, Doktor Wer flew back in his Flugelrad TARDIS to try and mend his image.
First off, he adopted the name "Charlie Chaplin" and did some silent movies so no-one would recognize his evil germanic voice. Unfortunately, he was too fond of his 'tashe to shave it off, but his plan to walk with a bendy cane threw many off the scent. "Hitler didn't walk with a cane - It can't be him". Ah, the age of gullible innocence.
Anyhew, it didn't work, and despite his jestery, people never forgave his homicidal holocaustery.
So now he's trapped in the past, keeping a nasty Nazi vigil on his pram. Any futuristic chrononautical babykillers with heroic dreams of preventing WWII atrocities are shot by the lurking despot as they creep up on his infant self.
And being equipped with his own TARDIS, he can be in two times at once. Being the Antichrist he is, he often pops back to watch his parents nobbing each other (he really is THAT evil!) and shoots any additional time-travellers with ideals of bullet based contraception.
And that's why there's no evidence of Time-Traversement. Everyone's first goal is to kill Hitler, and he bumps them off in the past, and then burns the evidence with a quick jaunt to a concentration camp, before coming back to await the next idealistic visionary.
Take my advice - when you get time travel, forget Hitler - go back and find out the identity of Jack The Ripper. And I'll just bet the irony of that'll be that the Whitechapel Melodramatical Maniac will turn out to be your future self!
And then you're in a bit of a pickle. Pickled on Absinthe, probably.
* LATIN FOR "THE COCK OF LONG JOHN HOLMES". PROBABLY.
