Scandal!
It seems our coffee machines are using whitener with 'Hardened Vegetable fat'.
Yikes! This is apparently bad for you, causing corpsifyable complications by imposing a deceasedness about your daily routine.
But hold on...
We need more hardened fat!
With the onslaught of Climate Change, I for one welcome the blubber ring aroung my waist, insulating me from the frosty fingers of Ithaqua as he tickes my belly with his Ice Age foxes and their glacier mints carving crevasses across the land.
We should "Man up" and suck up that milky lard, lest we perish in the arctic wastes of the realm of the abdominable snowblokes.
"Ah, but Xym," say Gormsters, "you are not supposed to wear whales!" and thus cretinously confusing complete cetacean compositure with the fatty internal insulation layer.
A-ha! replies I in an educatory fashion. I wear not the mammally diver of the deep, but hath accumulated large quantities of their stomach widening lardjuice about my own tummy.
I blame the parents, me. Copulating with Dagon's denizens of the deep by Innsmouth harbour, and thus breeding my batrachian belly of blubberous bulbousness, plump with them hardened fats of lardy lore.
But not hardened vegetable fats. I thought vegetables were supposed to be healthy! Now I discover they're full of hard-as-nails fat, making them worse than a bin full of bacon!
I would like to liken my layer of lard to that of a svelte seal. However, I've heard of them Naval Seals, and I looked at my belly button and could not find any waxy signet-ring embossed stamp.
Although why anyone have a young swans chocolate starfish as their sigil I don't know!
