Poringland.
'twas Paul's birthday, so we all went for a meal down t'pub, and a certain one was recommended.
Now, Poringland is certainly not the hub of the universe. In truth, it's a backwater gormsters paradise! Gets to the pub... and it's shut. On a Monday. At lunchtime.
So we treks down to The Railway Line. The haunt of old gimmers celebrating their milleniumth birthday.
Dozy serving wench spends about an hour pouring out a glass of cordial for the skeletal zombies shuffling in their carpet slippers, before slowly taking the drinks to the old folk.
And 10 mins later she remembers to tell us they ain't open on Mondays. It's only open for old gits party.
Presumably it wasn't cordial, it was liquidized roast lunch for the toothless octogenarians.
So, third time lucky, it's off down The Royal Oak. Proudly boasting of being the Norfolk C.A.M.R.A*'s pub of the year 2007...
...presumably because they don't do food to interfere with your supping or staining your pullover and soupcatcher! But hey - there's a chippy next door... that's shut on Mondays. As one helpful backwater moonshine filled yokel advised 'If ye's come when the chippy were open, you could have had fish 'n' chips.'
Clever lot these Poringlanders!
So having no grub, you're stuck with beer. Or coffee.
Now, I am perplexed as regards coffee. For a while now, these poncey types have been into the canteen asking for a 'skinny latte'. And there's an offer now on for 2 loyalty stamps if you have 'Skinny Milk'.
Correct me if I'm wrong - but Shirley there are only 4 types of milk:
Lardy Arse Full Fat Past Your Eyes Milk
Semi-Skimmed Milk
Skimmed Milk
Fresh From The Jugs Milk.
What the Hell is skinny milk? Milk left out overnight to form a thick skin on the top, so you can lift it out like wot Harry Dean Stanton does with the Alien shedment before he gets et? Milk that's been left out a bit too long so that's it gone off colour, and starts to look like skin?
Surely it can't be skimmed milk because it makes you skinny? For one thing, it don't. And for another, why not call it skimmed milk - it's faster to say and 1 syllable less.
So I'm confused - and I don't want to sound like a right tit asking some sexpot tavern wench what skinny milk is!
Skinny milk indeed!
* AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON C.A.M.R.A. - SURELY IT'S CAM.R.A. OR CAM.F.R.A. OR PLAIN OLD CAMRA. C.A.M.R.A. IMPLIES THAT THE C, A AND M STAND FOR DIFFERENT WORDS. AND THEY DON'T. GOBSHITES!
