Coulrophobia! Not fear of Agent Coulson out of Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D, but fear of the most henious thing ever to walk the Earth. Clowns! And now we have proof that even God has Coulrophobia! And not just any old clowns - oh no. He has a particular wrath reserved for Rodeo Clowns! Darn Tootin'! At an event called Rednecks With Paychecks (as opposed to Rednecks With Moonshine, presumably), poor old Casey Wagner was Buckarooing about when a storm of St Jude proportions approached. So, naturally, he took shelter in the safest location. Under a tree. And God, scared shitless by a screaming smile of a clown, smote him with his lance of lightning. Zzzzzap! And the child-scarer was brought to his knees. Recovering, the custard flan flinging fool arose, only to be smote once more by further electrical discharges from God's electrical ejaculate. Zzzzzzzap, and again the bucking bronco with the red nose is driven to his knees! Now, most people would think having God lobbing lightning bolts down upon thee would be somewhat of a warning to get off the Path Of Evil. Not so this clown. "I give everything to God, So I owe everything to him, he's the one that kept me alive. I can tell you one thing, I'm going to start going to church more." Kept you alive? You're going to go to Church more? The divine fucker tried to flambé you alive! The Omnipotent One tried his best to wipe the curséd clowns off the Earth as part of his ineffable plan, and you want to exhalt his worship more? Twice God drove him to his knees - perhaps God wanted him in a kind of "...while you're down there..." position. Mayhap that's why he's off to Church more - to blow off a pædo priest, hang up his oversized shoes and give up Clowning Around and become a Religious Rent Boy for the Reverends and strumming His Eminence's banjo string. But no - he's managed to twist God's death blow into a "lucky escape blesséd by God"... overlooking the fact that there's be no lucky escape if he hadn't already been targeted by God for an electrocutioning! And I'm sorry... it's a clown blog... so I just have to repost this video again. Still the funniest thing ever for me!
Discworld: Raising Steam - new book by Terry Pratchett
7th
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Extended Edition - DVD//Blu-ray released
10th
Gary Numan - playing at Rock City, Nottingham
11th
Artpop - new album from Lady Gaga
18th
The Wolverine - DVD//Blu-ray released
22nd
Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire - in cinemas
23rd
Day Of The Doctor - 50th anniversary episode of Dr Who, to be aired on BBC1
25th
Bauhaus Remasters - Beggars Banquet remastering and reissuing 5-Box set comprising of: In The Flat Field / Mask / The Sky's Gone Out / Burning From The Inside / Singles collection
25th
Fields Of The Nephilim Remasters - Beggars Banquet remastering and reissuing 5-Box set including expanded editions of: Dawnrazor / The Nephilim / Elyzium / Earth Inferno / Singles & Mixes
25th
Gene Loves Jezabel Remasters - Beggars Banquet remastering and reissuing 5-Box set including expanded editions of: Promises / Immigrant / Discover / The House Of Dolls / Kiss Of Life
29th
Stephen King's Carrie - remake in cinemas (Chloe Grace Mortez as Carrie, Julianne Moore as the mother)
29th
Lene Lovich - playing at Norwich Arse Centre
December
11th
The Damned - playing at Norwich UEA
13th
Hobbit #2: The Desolation Of Smaug - in cinemas
18th
Fields of the Nephilim/The Mission - playing at O2 Academy, Brixton
21st
Combichrist - playing at Slimelight
28th
Liqueur: A Tribute To The Cure - Inbetween (Xmas and New Year) Days: playing at Norwich Whatacunt
We're all doomed! Gail Platt Forces Wind! Hurricanes! Twisters! Typhoons! Sharknados! It's the end of the world and we knows it! But what of the apocalyptal storm? The horror? The terror? The Ents marching on Norwich and thwacking bonnets with their branches? Let's check the EDP:
Ermagherd! Traffic! Passing without incident! Oh, the newsworthy dangers of The Greatest Storm Known To Man! Surely ye starres are right and ye endde tymes commeth unto man! Oh, wait - it rained a bit and a trampoline blew over. Oh, and me poundland brolly blew all insidey-out when I came out of Starbucks, and had to go in the bin. Won't somebody think of the children... ...oh, actually, they did... ...they didn't wheel out Paul McCartney to bawl a rendition of "♪ St Jude, don't blow so bad, take a sad storm, and make it wetter♫" in honour of the storm named St Jude... Hold on - isn't there a St Jude's in Norwich? Yay! Norwich escaped St Jude thanks to the divine intervention of St Jude not wanting to piss down on his own church!
No blog today. I've been ill, getting iller, all week, so ended up missing Hazel o'Connor and (Pre)Hallowe'en Wraith last night. Still sick today, so can't be arsed typing up bloggeries. What I would have spent ages on, is the current conundrum¹ doing the rounds on FarceBurke: It's 3:00 am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors, it's your parents and they are there for breakfast. All you have is strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread and cheese. What is the first thing you open? I would have pointed out that the obvious answer is, of course, Your Eyes. But that may not be the case. The I would have gone in to very long, beleagured, waffling rant, of how it depends on circumstances and personality. Some people don't open their eyes first - they keep them shut until they've opened the curtains, or put a light on (which may require opening a door first). I would then linger on whether throwing back sheets classed as opening the bed. Furthermore, I would argue that the eyes are already open, and they have (a) identified the time as 3am (b) identified that the unexpected visitors are the parents, and (c) gathered the information that they require a 3am feeding. I would have gone as far as to suggest that perhaps you were out clubbing, and awoke in the back garden collapsed in a hedge, and on hearing the doorbell, the first act would be to open your flies to water the plants before opening your bleary eyes. I could have gone on, and pointed out that the first thing opened was the door to an argument, as the couples argue in bed over who's going to get up and see who's calling at this ungodly hour. Heck, perhaps you've already had an argument, and you're kipping on the sofa, and the buzzing bell is the final straw, and the first thing you open in a can of whoopass on whoever angers you further by visiting at 3am. Not only that, I could posit the theory that you may reach out and open your flip phone to get some luminescence before opening your eyes - or even calling the cops to deal with bell ringers in the early hours. In fact, if your girlfriend was the Crispello chocolate trollop and your parents came calling early hours, why, the first thing open would be her legs, so your dad can parallel park smooth like butter right up her poonani. I would rabbit on and on, with many another diverse argument against the "correct" answer being "your eyes"... ...but I'm too sickly, so shalln't! oh, the correct answer is actually "your mouth" to yawn/breath/speak, so ner! ¹ ACTUALLY, WHY IS THE CUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM CALLED THE CUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM? IT'S CLEARLY AN ANAGRAM AND NOT A CONUNDRUM. SOME PEOPLE, EH!
Leggings. Once again. Now, them Modern Women's have a universal penchant for the leggings (or jeggings). Or even just plain tights. But why oh why oh why can't they wear skirts or shorts over the top? These womens probably think they look all lithe and hot, with their taut buttocks, long legs and camel-hoofed CGI Toblerone triangle. Something pert and purty. So, where the dream is this:
THIS is the reality in Norwich City Centre:
Aaaarrrggh, pass the eye bleach!
It's like - why did you bother even wearing leggings? You may as well have just gone out in just yer pants. And naturally, they have to draw attention to their posterial area by performing the Maximum Stretch Dance. You know the one. The one where you stand, bend over, re-stand, then hoik up the wasteband of your leggings whilst doing a Knees-Up-Mahvah-Brahn type jig, before going into a frog squat to dig the gusset out of your swipe card reader. Leggings indeed! VPL¹? CVPHEBAHAPSBDCAC&SAC², more like. Putting me off my PSL³. And they think this looks attractive? COVER IT UP, WOMAN! Advice for The Pretties. When wearing leggings, wear a skirt over it. Or at least, when admiring yourself in the mirror before you head out, check over your shoulder at the rear view to avoid any embarassing pants and buttocks exposure as above. ¹ VISIBLE PANTY LINE ² CLEARLY VISIBLE; PANTS HALF-EATEN BY A HUNGRY ARSE, PAST SELL-BY-DATE CELLULITE, ASS CRACK & SAGGY ARSE CHEEKS ³ PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE
I know them Romans used to take a turd on the toilet whilst tasting their tempura, or whatever, but I thought we were more civillized than that! Imagine, popping (pooping?) into a sushi bar for a soirreé, and suddenly sitting on a ceramic cesspit, when mid-Meal:. "Excuse me, I'm rather full. Excuse me whilst I log off..."
I don't want my lunch date to be dropping their knickers and scatting in the restaurant in front of me! And the afterscent - nowhere to go if you have to "give it 10 minutes, if I were you!" One one dreads to think about public wiping! "Can we have the bill please - I need something to cleanse my posterior upon, and one is not conversant in the use of the three shells."
And I know I joked about the bumshake bottle - but this is a step too far:
I don't want my tagliatelli served in a toilet! Lookit - that Spag Bol just looks like a rather splattery deposit of diarrhoea followed by a follow-through of tapeworms making a bid for freedom! Nice! And woe betide you try and drop a log whilst in Nørwåy during a meal! For Trøll Hunters, måsqueråding ås "Møøse Hunters"² to keep the public unåwåre of secret Trøll rånges in the møuntåins, tend to miståke men øn tøilets for Trølls, I meån Møøses (Meece? Gnus?). There you are, happily giving birth to a tarbaby, when BOOM! Dick Chaney mistakes your moonlit bumcheeks for some antlered Eurasian elk and promptly scares the shit out of you (literally) with a shotgun to the mudflaps. It's bad enough mistaking your friend in bright orange attire for a covey of quail and shooting him the face, let alone mistaking a bare backside for an antlered deer. Praise be hunter's don't clap eyes on some monkey lips, or they'd be at yer with their sex pistols!
¹ IT WOULD BE CALLED "STEAMPUNK ALICE'S", BE ALL STEAMPUNKY WITH TIM BURTONY MONOCHROME/ GREYSCALE WITH STRANGE LOVECRAFTIAN ANGLES AND AMES ROOM AND OPTICAL ILLUSIONS, WITH THE SERVING WENCHES ALL DOLLED UP IN SEXY ALICE OUTFITS, WITH ME AS THE MAD HATTER AND MY LOCAL SISTER AS A CLEANER, OPEN UNTIL THE EARLY HOURS OF MORN SO LATE NIGHT CLUBBERS CAN CHILL OUT WITH A CUP OF TEA. ² MOOSE HUNTERS! IS THIS AKIN TO THEM THERE "MILF HUNTERS" I HEAR ABOUT? THOSE WHO GO ON THE HUNT FOR MOOSE KNUCKLE (THE "CAMEL TOE" OF THE MORE GENEROUSLY PROPORTIONED TROLL, I MEAN, SWEDISH WOMAN [THEY'RE NØRWEGIÅN MÅC!]). OOOH - MAYBE I SHOULD RENAME MY CAFÉ "STEAMPUNK ALICE'S ALCES ALCES" AND ENSURE THOSE DRESSES ARE VERY SHORT, AND THE PANTS VERY TIGHT...
Or... The Grills Have Eyes! Ha ha ha ha. I reallly do amuse myself sometimes... Anyhoo, as promised yesterday, a discourse on the nature of baked dough sliced up, placed by a heat source and turned a gorgeous golden brown. In other words; Toast! Now, someone recently posited the following question: "Toasting one side of bread followed by cheese on the other then placed under the grill is what? Roasted cheese? Toasted cheese? Cheesy toast? Any other suggestions?" Of course, people immediately chipped in with Choast, or Cheese On Toast. But curiously, not grilled cheese. Roasted cheese, indeed! Roasting is done in an oven, and grilling under a grill. or on a grill. "What's for Sunday dinner mother?" "Roast Beef" "Better stick it under t'grill then" "Doan choo be gettin' all up in mah grill, bitch!" Roasted cheese, my best bonnet! I was going to suggest Welsh Rarebit, when it hit me... ...not a sticky slice of melted cheese - no lobbers of solidified milkings in these offices! What hit me was just what is the definition of Toast to begin with. The questioner asks: Toasting one side of bread followed by cheese on the other. Accepted definition of toast is clearly one slice of bread, grilled golden brown on both sides. So the question we must first answer is... what do you call a slice of bread that has been toasted on one side only? Is it still just Toast? Half-toast? Fuck, one fucking side of the fucking toaster's fucking well fucked toast? Perhaps even One-sided toast? One sided toast sounds reasonable, as it is endorsed by the eco-savour tantric sexing Sting, as he proudly proclaimed in his pop poofter poem "An English Queen In New York". Well, actually he's putting the words in Quentin Crisps mouth. And not his cock. Or crisps. or something. But here, I would once again take Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner to task over his lyrical definitionary declaration that "♪ I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear, I like my toast done on one side ♫". Surely the accepted lyric should be "I like my bread toasted on one side". You can't have your toast "done" on one side, for that implies it is already Toast awaiting to be done. Done in what fashion, one dreads to think! Done up a bready bum bored into a baguette, probably. But this is a proud erudite queen and renown eccentric we're talking about here - so it's probably not bread based toast at all, but raising a glass. "A Toast! Raise your asses, I mean, raise your glasses. To Quentin!" And everyone has to stand and "do their toast to the host" on one side of the room, lifting their specs in his general direction. Unless, of course, it's another one of them there euphamisms. Maybe someone who "likes their toast done on one side" refers to those whose toast falls butter side down, so they bend over, buttock side up, as someone sidles between their buttered buttcheeks beginning a bumming. A toastmaster, perhaps, who, once utterly buttered into the buttocks, likes to "♪ move it move it♫". Or sprinkles an additional condoment of Salt 'n' Pepa as they "♪ Ahhh, push it, push it good, Ahhh, push it, P-PUSH IT REAL GOOD!♫". or something. Who knows what you call bread toasted on one side. If it is just toast, how do you distinguish between dual sided toasting and singular sided toasting? If you order some toast, and only one side is cooked, do you complain for unfulfilled grillage? But then, if you asked for cheese on toast, and they'd toasted both sides before the application of cheese, when the cheese is grilled, it'll burn any exposed toast on the grilling side. Unless, of course, you did edge-to-edge cheesings. But then you'd be unable to pick it up without blistering your fingers on hot melted cheese that seems to melt into your skin, scalding you further as you try and peel the furnace-hot skein off. Hot cheese is like a McApple Pie filling, inexplicably adhering to your epidermis and burning through like Xenomorphian blood through a spaceships "Anton" decks. Requesting cheese on one-sided toast sounds a bit lame though. Not to mention that you're guaranteed that some smart Alec (Kyle) will try to smugly explain that a slice of bread has two sides, otherwise it would become some sort of mouldy metaphysical Möbius toast, and such an impossible snack could break the space-time continuum and some scientist would have to pull off the Cerne giant via his black hole or some such to come up with a Higgs Bo'sun of improbablity bobbins that greybeards are so fond of these days (for the Snark was a Boojum, you see!). This leads on to another classic Physics conundrum. If bread always lands butter side down, what effect does toasting the other side have on the splat rate? And if you buttered the toasted side instead, what effect would that have on rotational downfall? Heck - what about melted, partially melted or freshly applied butter? The untoasted side should be warm enough to change the state/mass/form of the butter. And does the degree of toasting affect the gravitational spiral - would burnt toast land burnt side down due to the weight of charred carbon, or would a light browning lessen the degree to which it would lean towards a toasty decline? I tried to get a definitive answer out of Paul Young, but his hit [Kraft cheese] single "♪ Whatever I spread on toast, that's my home♫" is of fuck all use. He just waffled on for ages about bases and toppings:
♪ 'Cos there's so much to choose from, There's brown bread, white bread,
All sorts of wholemeal bread;
It comes in funny packages with writing on the side,
But it doesn't matter which one you have
'Cos when you cut the crusts off,
Have it with marmalade
Or butter, cheese, tomatoes, beans, banana
Or chocolate if you're strange,
It doesn't really matter.
Oh no, it all goes with toast,
Just toast ♫
Then he went off and wrote another hit about how he adored the music of Pulp, specifically his "love of the Common People one wot Jarvis did with that Sadistic Frost designer bird out of Dracula pushing him about in a trolly whilst that Keeley Whores out of Ashes To Ashes dances about in Stepney's Nightclub" So there you go. Just what is bread toasted on one side only, and what is the correct name for the same with cheese applied to the untoasted element before grilling? I propose: Grilled cheese on bread wot's been toasted on the bottom. Think that adequately covers it! And you can giggle at saying bottom. Or even an inadequately covered bottom!
Tittery tee hee hee, and a chuckle or chortle or two for further mirthings at tittery... Talking of tits, let's leave the final word to these two chest humps:
What a couple of twats! Cheese Toast my arse - lookit what they're eating - it's melted cheese... on bread! It's barely even toasted! Lookit what that that nudie drug-stoned singer is waving about - it's all white and floppy... ...and in camera shot, the bread is too! B'dum t'ish! AND not only does the gormster eat with his mouth open, he sings with a mouthful of masticated cheese and bread! No manners some people!! Besides - they think that Bitches Love Cheese Toast. They love cheese toast. That makes them a pair of bitches. And clearly nudie drug man is the daddy, and his life-partner is his bitch.
"Yo bitch - gitchore bitch ass in the kitchen and make me some cheese toast so I can sing about how bitches love it, bitch!" Worrabitch!
Ah, the god ole USA of A, land of the free, home of the brave. Well, not of the Brave, as all the Red Indian, sorry, Naive 'murkin Braves were genocidedly decimated and interred in Reservations... ...but home of the free! Free to not have sentient aqua-anthropomorphic sponge simulacra masquerading as a mausoleum monument, that is!. You and your family's wishes to be buried beneath a eidolon of cartoon characterisation counts all for naught in a free society, as them there officials take the moral high ground, on the basis that the gay, short-wearing bikini-bottom dwelling fun-loving retards are not in keeping with the misery of a place of mourning. Who wants to visit grandma, only to have a beaming sponge grinning up at you from the grave alongside? Why, someone might think that a chortling corpse of a sponge has been laid to rest, who may rise in zombified rage and eat yer face off as you weep over your familial loss! As the Steve Miller band one said:
♪ Aqua, aqua cadaver - he's gonna rise up and grab ya! ♫
Even worse - they spent 8 grand creating Spongebog in full miltary gear, to represent the soldier, and the ghastly, grim, ungainly, gaunt gravekeeper (known only as one Squidward Quincy Tentacles) had it removed, the meanie. But - there's nowt like forward planning, for the family created another Spongebob for the dead girl's twin sister... ...now, I don't know about you, but when your sister has been murdered, I'd be worried if my parents turned to me and said "don't worry. We'll give her a nice funeral. Look, we've got a carved SpongeBob Statue as a headstone. Oh, by the way - we've got you one too. It's all ready and on your grave, waiting for you"... ...that's a bit creepy - there's an unspoken, unsubtle hint of "We've spend £16k on these, and found you a plot to boot - so you'd better hurry up and die, bitch, coz we ain't wasting £8k on a headstone you're not gonna use! Let me have a word with you estranged partner - I have a gun & knife collection I can lend them..." I don't know - you can't have a headstone of Spongebob as it doesn't fit in with the historical look and can be offensive, yet they have all these Weeping Angels and stuffs. They're no more real than Spongebob, but they don't complain about them do they! And crosses - headstones shaped like crosses, reminiscent of torturous cruxifiction, but that's OK. Stained glass in church windows, depicting oiled-up 6-packed saints in their underpants wrestling dragons and stuff - and they reckon Spongebob's too gay? Good job they didn't give the sisters the two main characters instead. Spongebob for the dead one, and Patrick for the living one. But then, the family are "of colour", so no doubt there'll always be someone complaining that a statue of a chocolate starfish is inappropriate. It's posthumous correctness gone mad, I tell thee!
-- Main Set: The Electric Album (1987) -- ♪ Wild Flower ♪ Peace Dog ♪ Lil' Devil ♪ Aphrodisiac Jacket ♪ Electric Ocean ♪ Bad Fun ♪ King Contrary Man ♪ Love Removal Machine ♪ Zap City(Born To Be Wild switched for a Cult song from the Peace album) ♪ Outlaw ♪ Memphis Hip Shake
-- Interval --
♫ Elemental Light (remix)
-- Secondary Set: Greatest Hits -- ♫ Rain ♫ Honey From a Knife ♫ Sweet Soul Sister ♫ Lucifer(dropped from set) ♫ Embers ♫ The Phoenix ♫ Rise ♫ She Sells Sanctuary -- Encore -- ♫ Nirvana(dropped from set) ♫ Spiritwalker ♫ Sun King Full review on my all-new sister blog wot sort-of reviews stuffs here: Xym's Cult Review The Cult, Electric 13 Tour @ The UEA, Norwich, 22nd Oct 2013 Support by Bo Ningen
Street Theatre. In Norwich, we have Puppet Man and Charlie Chaplin. Well, we did until this weekend, since when we have been infested with some trumpeteers trumpeting on their trumpets, honking out the Admiral Insurance pop hit1:
♪ Go direct, Jack,
Multicar can save you more, save more!
Go direct, Jack,
Multicar can save you more! ♫
Multicar? Gimme Leeloo with a Multipass! I could stand to sit outside Primarché all day ogling her in her skimpy bits of bandaging blowing on a pink oboe... Anyhoo, where we have men painted grey standing motionless (occasionally twirling a cane or tipping his hat), Birmingham has much more terrifying terrors. Predator! Predator, lurking about the City like in Predator 2... well, the Bullring Shopping Centre. Hunting with his predatory axe, prowling for prey.
But luckily for Birmingham, Danny Glover's in town! Or is it Dillon? He ain't cut his cheek with a razor and isn't all baldy and gay for Jesse "The Arsechin" Ventura like Mac. Dis bredren has probably some seen some bad-ass bush before, so yeah, Dillon it is! And as Birmingham's not as tropically hot as the Amazonial Jungles, he's had to put a jacket on over his oiled biceps. Not even the lack of the M134 General Electric Minigun (7.62mm, full clip capacity of 5793 rounds-per-minute, 7.62 x 51 shells, 1.36kg recoil adaptors, muzzle velocity of 869m/s - the huge amazing rotary machine gun like what Blaine had in Predator) daunts him and puts him off taking down the trophy taking terrorist from beyonde ye starres. So, as the Predator looms over some poor underage girl with his oversized chopper like some 70s sex-starved superstar², Dillon comes to the rescue! Not even pausing to daub himself in mud, with a whisper of "I guess I picked up some bad habits from you, now get your people the hell out of here!" he circled the Alien Beastie, and in true hero fashion dives on it from behind. WHAM! Just before Predator delivers the Killing Stroke, Dillon has it on the ground. And learning from past experience, has it away on his toes before he gets his other arm blown off. As the victor fled the battle, he shouted out "Wagwan", which some commentators believe to a war cry of "What's Going On?". The fools. That was a hit by hippy popster Pretties 4 Hot Non-Blondes. "Wagwan" is actually Deep Cover Expendable Code for "Go! Go on, go! Get to ze chopper!" Or something of Betty Boo's I would very much like to check out. :
♪ Checkin' out mah Wagwan, wagwan, wagwan checkin' out mah foof, foof, foof checkin' out mah Wagwan, wagwan, wagwan checkin' out mah mammaries, mah mammaries, mah mammaries ♫
Unfortunately for our Black Ops Special Secret Services Saving Us From Space Monsters Who Prey On Our Children And Abduct Them To Nick Off With Their Spinal Column And Skull, assaulting Alien Visitors is bad for intergalactic tourism. As well as being extraterrestrialy racist. So he's been labelled a thug, and the rozzers want to bring him to justice. The rotters. 1 LATER REWORKED BY PERCY MAYFIELD AND RE-RECORDED BY ART RUPE, BEFORE BEING RE-RE-RECORDED BY MARGIE HENDRICKS (MOTHER OF LANCE) WITH RAY CHARLES SERVING AS HER 12 INCH PIANIST. OR SOMETHING. ² WHAT WAS THAT POPTASTIC HIT AGAIN? OH YEAH - IT WERE THE CHEMICAL [KNOWN AS CHLOROFORM] BROTHERS
Right, it's a while since I offended loads of people, so it's about time I pissed everyone off again. So (bearing in mind this is about the consequences of wilful and deliberate law breaking, not the ecological fight or right to legal/peaceful protest)... Greenpiss. Bloody Greenpiss, incessantly spamming my Facebook to get me to sign a petition to release a bunch of eco-Terrorist Pirates. Grrrrrrr! Let's just cover the relevant facts: a) Greenpiss tried to ram 2 separate Яussiaп ships at sea (although Greenpiss initially denied this, subsequent video footage has forced them to declare it was "Accidental Tapping" or "A Slight Nudge" some such nonsense). b) They deliberately violated a 500m exclusion zone around a Яussiaп Rig. c) They tried to scale and board a foreign rig in foreign waters d) They were arrested for Piracy Now, The British will have it that "You come over here, you want to live here, you live by our laws or suffer the consequences". However, it seems that only applies in the UK as when Brits go abroad, they believe they are immune to foreign laws in foreign lands written up by foreign savages. As such, Brits are not subject to them and should be set free from unjustified imprisonment. Newsflash! The world don't actually work that way! You go to another country, you you abide by their laws or face the consequences. OK, the Government may step in if you're facing a Death Penalty, but they're not there to give you a get-out-of-jail-free card because you're British and subject only to British Rule.. "But Xym, they were making a peaceful protest!" "And how do you make that out?" "Well, they didn't have guns. And since when has scaling a rig been illegal? What weapons did they have? Rope? Were they gunna hang the Яuskies then?" Oh, you've conveniently forget to mention the pre-rig invasion RAMMING OF ЯUSSIAП VESSELS! Like a car, a ship can be used as a weapon, like when used to ram another vessel. And scaling foreign property has always been illegal. Theoretically, if them Яuskies were being a bit belligerent and cold-war-y, such an invasion could be seen as a declaration of war. Then what - WWIII, and your saving the planet will have resulted in it being nuked to apocalysian desolation. This was NOT a peaceful protest - it was an attack, invasion, and occupation. They should count themselves lucky they were arrested and not shot. "Yebbut - they're not Pirates, are they! So they should be released!" eh, whut? They should be released because although driving at other ships and trespassing on another country's soil without permission is a criminal offense, they don't sport a peg-leg, eye patch, a tankard of grog and say "Arrrrrrr" a lot? Anyhow, it's a moot point, as Articles 101 the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea defines Piracy thus: Article 101 Definition of piracy Piracy consists of any of the following acts: (a) any illegal acts of violence or detention, or any act of depredation, committed for private ends by the crew or the passengers of a private ship or a private aircraft, and directed— (i) on the high seas, against another ship or aircraft, or against persons or property on board such ship or aircraft; (ii) against a ship, aircraft, persons or property in a place outside the jurisdiction of any State; (b) any act of voluntary participation in the operation of a ship or of an aircraft with knowledge of facts making it a pirate ship or aircraft; (c) any act of inciting or of intentionally facilitating an act described in sub paragraph (a) or (b). And Greenpiss's actions in light of this? Well... ● Illegal act of violence or detention, or any act of depredation? Ramming a couple of "enemy" ships is certainly violent and illegal. ● Committed for private ends? Well, their aim is to stop the ЯussiaпRig from drilling, and the invasion of the rig was for their own private ends. ● by the crew or passengers of a private ship? Yep - not a commercial vessel but a private vessel owned by Greenpiss. ● directed on the high seas against another ship or aircraft, or persons or property on board? Well, they tried to ram 2 ships, endangering it's crew & property. ● against a ship, aircraft, persons or property in a place outside the jurisdiction of any State; Debatable. Some claim it's internation waters, Яussiaпwaters, or non-State waters. But their actions were directed at foreign property, to whit; a Яussiaпrig. So, by United Nations law (let alone Яussiaп, Martitime and any other law), they are Pirates! And those not responsible for the violent ramming attack and subsequent scaling, why, they fall foul of clauses (b) and (c). "But they're nothing like Somalian Pirates!" eh, whut? (again). Who said anything about Somanlian pirates! They are Pirates for violently ramming a vessel and subsequently illegally boarding another! Just because they're not armed with cutlasses and pistols doesn't make them any less piratey! And some of them, some of the Greenpiss lot are enraged over the Brit! Why, they say, She's a freelance journalist! She wasn't even on the boat! (so how did she get arrested then, if she weren't there? Oh, she's a Brit. Therefore innocent and not subject to Johnny Foreigners law!). Then they say they never violated the 500m exclusion zone (then how did they manage to scale the rig from over 500m away?) Put it this way - if you were Captain Phillips, and some Somalis rammed your boat then tried to clamber aboard... would you shoot them in the face, arrest them, or just let them go about their thievery without any further challenge and not even report it? Or another analogy - you're driving home. Suddenly, a car pulls alongside and tries to run you off the road. Getting home, you find their friends scaling your fences and trying to break in. Do you ring the cops? Shoot them in the back as they flee like Tony Martin? Or do you just shrug and say "hey ho, it's all peaceful, let them get on with it". And if the neighbors ring the police and arrest those occupying your home, would you arrange a petition to excuse them on some moral grounds? Moral grounds my arse! If we went round demanding release of prisoners on moral grounds there's be no prisoners! Greenpiss could make an argument that Anders Breivik (if he hadn't released his manifesto against the Muslimification of Norway) should be release on moral grounds. After all, humans emit CO2, which is killing the Ozone layer. His culling of the overpopulated Earth, thus reducing CO2 emissions, is Saving The Planet, and he should be released for taking the moral stance of bravely taking the necessary step to reduce the number of those who are wasting our natural oxygen resources! What a hero! Even more morally - they should campaign for the release of The Yorkshire Ripper. After all, God told him to cleanse the Earth of sin and prozzies, and who can argue against The Word of God? You can't get a more moral cause than divine intervention itself! Anyhoo, these terrorists (sorry, I forgot "Activists" is the polite term for non-Muslim terrorists) are NOT saving the planet. True, they are trying to conserve natural resources as they will run out, but this has no effect on the actual planet. It has an effect on mankind, as we won't be able to rely on the availability of those resources, but the actual planet will go on. In fact, the bigger danger to the actual planet is those who try and combat Climate Change. Climate change is a known fact, and the Earth has a cyclic rhythm when such shifts occur. Now, if you try and interfere with Earth's natural cycle, THEN you are directly trying to impact the planet to mankind's benefit, not the Planet's. If anything, people should be investing in ways to adapt to climate change, not combat or prevent it. Not that it matters, as Gaia will continue her cycle regardless. Unless Science finds a way to alter the Axis/Rotation/orbit of Earth, and then we're truly fucked, as Earth becomes secondary to Man. So, no. I won't be voting to Free The Pirates. Especially as the same lot were cautioned and deported t'other year by the Яussiaпs or attempting a similar stunt, so it's not like they weren't warned. They knew what they were getting into, so stop whining about it! That said, I would vote to free them though, on the condition they could guarantee me a date with one of these two top Pirate wenches!
Banged up Babes! Caged cuties! Pirate Pretties In Prison! Hot hippy Greenpeace gash of gorgeousness! Phwoarsville. "I'd Tap That", I believe the common parlance is. or XymWantsOneOfThose.cum. or something, And the hot hippy chick on the right (Alex) is the Britbabe from Devon! I wonder if I can get the two of them released into my personal custody... Better than being imprisoned in a Яussiaп gangrapey gulag... ...well, probably not. And if I ever see you here again, Faiza Oulahsen... hoo-hoo, I'll lock you in my Fungeon!
