No blog today.
I've been ill, getting iller, all week, so ended up missing Hazel o'Connor and (Pre)Hallowe'en Wraith last night. Still sick today, so can't be arsed typing up bloggeries.
What I would have spent ages on, is the current conundrum¹ doing the rounds on FarceBurke:
It's 3:00 am, the doorbell rings and you wake up. Unexpected visitors, it's your parents and they are there for breakfast. All you have is strawberry jam, honey, wine, bread and cheese. What is the first thing you open?
I would have pointed out that the obvious answer is, of course, Your Eyes. But that may not be the case.
The I would have gone in to very long, beleagured, waffling rant, of how it depends on circumstances and personality. Some people don't open their eyes first - they keep them shut until they've opened the curtains, or put a light on (which may require opening a door first).
I would then linger on whether throwing back sheets classed as opening the bed.
Furthermore, I would argue that the eyes are already open, and they have (a) identified the time as 3am (b) identified that the unexpected visitors are the parents, and (c) gathered the information that they require a 3am feeding.
I would have gone as far as to suggest that perhaps you were out clubbing, and awoke in the back garden collapsed in a hedge, and on hearing the doorbell, the first act would be to open your flies to water the plants before opening your bleary eyes.
I could have gone on, and pointed out that the first thing opened was the door to an argument, as the couples argue in bed over who's going to get up and see who's calling at this ungodly hour.
Heck, perhaps you've already had an argument, and you're kipping on the sofa, and the buzzing bell is the final straw, and the first thing you open in a can of whoopass on whoever angers you further by visiting at 3am.
Not only that, I could posit the theory that you may reach out and open your flip phone to get some luminescence before opening your eyes - or even calling the cops to deal with bell ringers in the early hours.
In fact, if your girlfriend was the Crispello chocolate trollop and your parents came calling early hours, why, the first thing open would be her legs, so your dad can parallel park smooth like butter right up her poonani.
I would rabbit on and on, with many another diverse argument against the "correct" answer being "your eyes"...
...but I'm too sickly, so shalln't!
oh, the correct answer is actually "your mouth" to yawn/breath/speak, so ner!
¹ ACTUALLY, WHY IS THE CUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM CALLED THE CUNTDOWN CONUNDRUM? IT'S CLEARLY AN ANAGRAM AND NOT A CONUNDRUM. SOME PEOPLE, EH!
