There's a moose loose about these loos...

...and no, I don't mean drunk fugly womens in THE Whatacunt's WC!

Remember not so long back, and my fantastic Business Idea about chocolate milfshakes in toilet shaped apparatus?

Well, them damn Japanese read it and nicked me idea! a bit.

Forget bum dispensers - they have their client sit on the shitter whist eating out of bog bowls!

I know them Romans used to take a turd on the toilet whilst tasting their tempura, or whatever, but I thought we were more civillized than that!

Imagine, popping (pooping?) into a sushi bar for a soirreé, and suddenly sitting on a ceramic cesspit, when mid-Meal:. "Excuse me, I'm rather full. Excuse me whilst I log off..."

I don't want my lunch date to be dropping their knickers and scatting in the restaurant in front of me! And the afterscent - nowhere to go if you have to "give it 10 minutes, if I were you!"

One one dreads to think about public wiping! "Can we have the bill please - I need something to cleanse my posterior upon, and one is not conversant in the use of the three shells."

And I know I joked about the bumshake bottle - but this is a step too far:

I don't want my tagliatelli served in a toilet! Lookit - that Spag Bol just looks like a rather splattery deposit of diarrhoea followed by a follow-through of tapeworms making a bid for freedom!

Nice!

And woe betide you try and drop a log whilst in Nørwåy during a meal! 

For Trøll Hunters, måsqueråding ås "Møøse Hunters"² to keep the public unåwåre of secret Trøll rånges in the møuntåins, tend to miståke men øn tøilets for Trølls, I meån Møøses (Meece? Gnus?).

There you are, happily giving birth to a tarbaby, when BOOM! Dick Chaney mistakes your moonlit bumcheeks for some antlered Eurasian elk and promptly scares the shit out of you (literally) with a shotgun to the mudflaps.

It's bad enough mistaking your friend in bright orange attire for a covey of quail and shooting him the face, let alone mistaking a bare backside for an antlered deer.

Praise be hunter's don't clap eyes on some monkey lips, or they'd be at yer with their sex pistols!

¹ IT WOULD BE CALLED "STEAMPUNK ALICE'S", BE ALL STEAMPUNKY WITH TIM BURTONY MONOCHROME/ GREYSCALE WITH STRANGE LOVECRAFTIAN ANGLES AND AMES ROOM AND OPTICAL ILLUSIONS, WITH THE SERVING WENCHES ALL DOLLED UP IN SEXY ALICE OUTFITS, WITH ME AS THE MAD HATTER AND MY LOCAL SISTER AS A CLEANER, OPEN UNTIL THE EARLY HOURS OF MORN SO LATE NIGHT CLUBBERS CAN CHILL OUT WITH A CUP OF TEA.

² MOOSE HUNTERS! IS THIS AKIN TO THEM THERE "MILF HUNTERS" I HEAR ABOUT? THOSE WHO GO ON THE HUNT FOR MOOSE KNUCKLE (THE "CAMEL TOE" OF THE MORE GENEROUSLY PROPORTIONED TROLL, I MEAN, SWEDISH WOMAN [THEY'RE NØRWEGIÅN MÅC!]). OOOH - MAYBE I SHOULD RENAME MY CAFÉ "STEAMPUNK ALICE'S ALCES ALCES" AND ENSURE THOSE DRESSES ARE VERY SHORT, AND THE PANTS VERY TIGHT...