And down the Whatacunt he wears 3D spex!
The most awesome 3D specs ever!
Anyhoo, we begin at The Pub With No Booze.. but what's this? Purple Bulmers behind the bar? Wow, A restock...
...courtesy of t'Co-Op down the road, so it's not long before the barfolk have to pop out to t'garage to replenish the bar with cheap plonk, a couple of cans of beer, 3 cans of cider...
Anyhoo, into the Back Room for Darklight and WTF? Dance floor has people on it... motionless... staring at the DJ on stage all transfixed like rabbits caught in headlamps.
So, once more it's up to The Xym & Marky Mark to dive in and flail about in lumbering fashion and arouse some slight shufflance of the zombified gothlets.
By 'eck it's hot, so pop out for a Bulmers - as the dance floor returns to a sullen sulky stillness - lucky! Got the last purple one! Oh my - even hotter now one of Xym's hottest haremetts has arrived! But what's that I hear - the opening shamanic drumbeat of striding manitous?
Get back in there! Oh, more densely populated with morose motionless muppets! Cue Xym and...
Xym's got the party started once more! A few more classic grooves and pop out once more, noticing a return to frozen movement apart from a couple of rock chicks.
So, in da bar with me sisters and one hot Babe until we saddle up for Da Whatacunt!
Blimey - how many people this week think Xym is foocking awesome?
Just about everybody!
But, alas, my triumvirate of totty is absent this week.Hair-ruffler, Blondie and S(p)ex all missing. And I'm led to believe the general consensus is "fuck all Talent tonight, mate". Indeed, upstairs seems to be densely packed with packs of predator pervs perving at prey. All huddled in thick parkas and checked shirts and mop hair. And it's not that busy in the smoking area either.
Oh lor, birthday boy has passed out in the coroner, and emitted a stream of spew all over the floor, before carried away.
Oh noes, in all the heat, the front of me barnet has collapsed! Oh woe and wail and misery!
But Local Sister #1 to the rescue - a tweak here, a tug there, a ruffle on that bit - p'tow! Xym now sports the infamous 1980 Flock Of Seagulls look! And boy, does Xym rock that look!
Yikes! Notificarions of domestic discord arrive! Flop onto the sofa to help console the beautiful babe of harem hotness, and immediately another "Hot Chick" drops up against me!
Chat chat chittery chat! Lawks-a-mussy! Xym is talking to a Pretty who's lost "her lot". Heavens above, she's taking Xym's hand and leading him on... to the dancefloor, where she immediately finds "her lot" and falls into the arms of her Other Half.
Some things never change!
Even the propensity of people to monopolize the dance floor - standing motionless, clutching their pints of beer so close! Again, it's up to Xym, Marky Mark and Sisters to enliven the dance floor!
But more boppage, and the dance floor's thinning out, and the predatory pack of pervs are more noticable with their predatory perving. Diving in front of dancing dames to "dance" with (ok, dance at) them, creepily eyeing them up (well, standing stationary on the dancefloor, bleary eyes following Pretties around the room), as their hands engage in variouis nefarious actities deep within their pocketses!
"Giz a snog then. Goan... giz us a kiss, like"
"Oi! You wanna go out wiv us?"
"Excuse me, I'm happily married"
"*Buuurp* I bet I can change that *belch* *hic*"
"No. Seriously. You can't"
"I love Oasis, me"
"I hate 'em. I prefer Pulp"
"Cool. Gimme yer number so I can boff you on Wednesday"
"'cough1"
Oh dear.
And then a fighty forcible ejection... right at closing time!
At least the yobbo had some sense - why cause a kerfuffle early in the night and get thrown out? Far better to wait until you've had your evening's fill of booze, babes and Britpop and then get thrown out at then end once you've had yer money's worth. That said... how sad is it to get thrown out as the club closes. How can you even get into trouble on yer way out? Unless he tried a bit of rapey action on the cute cloakroom Pretty.
I don't care. I didn't get thrown out, didn't spew all over the floor, didn't pull (apart from the usual Pretty With Inevitable Husband/BF), none of my regular Pretties were there - BUT... I has a new hair do for clubbage! AND a mega-load of compliments of the Most Awesome variety...
Although, TBH, it was getting a tad tiresome by 12. There's only so many times you can be stopped on the stairs, the dancefloor, or smoking area, and told how amazingly awesome you are, before it loses some of it's magic. It's like..
9pm - WOW! You look AWESOME!: Yay! In with a chance tonight!
10pm - WOW! You look AWESOME!: Yay! I'm Awesome!
11pm - Ermagherd - You, Sir, are Awesome! Yay... send some Pretty ladies my way!
12pm - WOW! You look fooking AWESOME! Yay..
1am - O.M.G. You're amazing, You are so awesome. Yeah, so they keep telling me...
2am - 'scuze me mate, but can I just say you are totally AWESOME. Respect dude! Yeah yeah yeah..
3am - Whoa - AWESOME dude! Whatevs...
Honestly, all night adoration can be somewhat exhaustive!
1 NOT AN ACTUAL COUGH. MORE 'CKOFF, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT. UNLIKE THE PREDATORY PACK OF PERVS WHO NOT ONLY DON'T GET THE DRIFT, HINT, SLAP IN THE FACE OR A BOOT IN THE BOLLOCKS.
