So, you've discovered an alien spaceship, deep in the Arctic wastes. Within, there lies a most amazing discovery - a lifeform beyond imagining.
And what do you do with such a discovery?
Why, send a crew up into geo-stationary orbit to artificially inseminate spiders with space monster DNA in the hopes of breeding a Queen spider that will generate bullet proof webbing to get your armour light years ahead of The West.
As you do. When you're not fighting off or imprisoning Somalian & Greenpiss Pirates who ram your ships and try to board your vessels.
But lo and behold, would you Adam and Eve it - once bred, your alien arachnid hybrids run amok, and eat your crews faces off!
And on top of that, space debris from meteor shower collisions would decide to smash into your space station and send a cage of killer spiders tumbling to Earth.
To New York no less! Home of the oversized invasionary monster. Through the streets and into the subway goes the mutant multilegged mostrosities, and before you know it, some hitherto unknown cavern is taken over as a nest.
Of course, the Tube Station Manager only knows something has crashed, and the trains need to get back up and running in time for rush hour, so you naturally send down your best engineer.
Who promptly gets bit and falls on The Third Rail.
Naturally, our Hero of a station manager can't believe his experienced engineer would be such a gormster to step on the third rail, so visits the coroner, who's pulling eggs out of the engineer. Damn good luck his wife is a Heath Inspector, so he can take a couple of eggs for assessment.
And naturally, his wife his all moody, as he's missed his daughter's 12th1 Birthday, and comets crushing the tube and monsters impregnating engineers is a poor excuse. And she has the final divorce papers to hand.
But all she can deduce is that there is no contaminatory bacteria in the eggs.
So naturally you go down into the subway with a team of military folk, and promptly get et by oversized spiders, and so the area's cordoned off.
But what's this... the Ruskies have teamed up with The US and are intimidating the coroner and going through her eggs... but... oh noes! They can't find the Queen egg, coz as luck would have it, it's in the grubby paws of The Healh Inspector!
So, once more the brilliant Russian Intelligence comes to the fore.
Nick the eggs back out of the Health Inspectors car, inject Tube Manager's mate with spider eggs (and let him die in the street) and quarantine the Tube Manager/Health Inspectors daughter. Oh, and put the Queen into the spiders nest (ooooh, they grow bigger in Earth's atmosphere!)
Failing to see the flaws in this plan, the streets are soon overrun with human sized space spiders(Where are they coming from? I thought we had them contained?), as within the nest the Spiders spin webs over the CCTV so they can't be watched. Disaster is surely on the way!
But, the family must be reunited, and they can't get to their daughter because of the armed soldiers around the quarantine zone... quarantine zone being their high-floored apartment, rather then the subway with the Spiders in.
So, mom and dad take to the subway, as it luckily links directly to their apartment block!
Well, it would, it it wasn't populated by space spiders trying to eat your face off, who chase you out into a warehouse. Where, like Ripley, you take them on with a Caterpillar P-5000 Powered Work Loader, I mean - a forklift truck!
And after you've spent ages spearing spiders and disarming guards withing yards of your door... you ends up being surrounded and arrested.
Whilst your child escapes the apartment and legs it to hid in a toy shop, you're taken to the Sentry Point outside the gate. Tied up, you watch all the soldiers get their faces et off - even the Top Brass bloke, until the spiders all scuttle off so the Russian Scientist can free you. You help your wife out of the back of the jeep, taking the opportinity to grope up your co-stars preposteroulsy oversized busom in tight top, ...
...just as the Giant Queen Space Spider bursts out from under the sidewalk and eats the Russian all up!
Roaring like a behemoth beastie from beyond the stars (or the Cloverfield beastie), the gargantual monster steps on the babysitter to death, before putting a foot/claw through the toyshop window to tumble your daughter into the basement!
Not only are most of the spiders bullet-repellant, the Queen is missile repellant! Boom boomy boom! And follow the daughter into the Toyshop basement (which is also the subway for some reason).
Thankfully, the daughter finds a small alcove the Queen is too big for, being a great big fuck of giant spider. So it seals her in with it's thick, sticky, bullet-proof webbing. Damn - it's so thick, sticky and bullet-proof, you can't break through!
Thick, sticky and bullet-proof it may be, but when mom & dad come to the rescue, they can just peel it apart and let her out.
Oh noes - here comes the Queen! OK, distract it from your family! Pick up a pole and poke the arachnid as your spouse and offspring escape! Make it chase you to an old, abandoned train and seek safety!
Crapola! It's monstrous mandibles can tear through metal! Bugger! Oh wait - what's that on the terminus wall in front of the drivers cab? DANGER! FLAMMIBLE GAS! Of course! What else lies at the end of the trainline, except pipes, cannisters and valves of explosive flammable gas!
So, sift away the æons of dusty detrius, and turn on the decrepit engine! Wow, it has power! The controls are a bit stiff, but we gets it in reverse! Back down the track at speed, chased by a Giant Mutant Space Spider! Ha! It's stuck in the tunnel entrance! BRAAAAAAKE! And... forward!
Tie the forward lever down with yer shirt, dive onto the platform, the train charges down the tunnel, smashes into the spider, hurtles headlong down the tunnel and splats the spider into the end of the line wall, igniting the gas and flambéing the ferocious menace.
Awww... the family reunites on the streets, as the soldiers shove dead spiders into the back of a jeep.
All's well that ends...
...y'aaargh! Space Monster Spiders survived on streetlights! Save us from a sequel!
1 12? 12? IF SHE'S 12, I'M JIMMY BLOODY SAVILE! LET ME JUST PAUSE IT AND CHECK IMDB... YEP, SHE'S 19. 19!!!, NOT 12 AT ALL!
