Ha ha ha ha. I reallly do amuse myself sometimes...
Anyhoo, as promised yesterday, a discourse on the nature of baked dough sliced up, placed by a heat source and turned a gorgeous golden brown.
In other words; Toast!
Now, someone recently posited the following question:
"Toasting one side of bread followed by cheese on the other then placed under the grill is what? Roasted cheese? Toasted cheese? Cheesy toast? Any other suggestions?"
Of course, people immediately chipped in with Choast, or Cheese On Toast.
But curiously, not grilled cheese. Roasted cheese, indeed! Roasting is done in an oven, and grilling under a grill. or on a grill.
"What's for Sunday dinner mother?"
"Roast Beef"
"Better stick it under t'grill then"
"Doan choo be gettin' all up in mah grill, bitch!"
Roasted cheese, my best bonnet! I was going to suggest Welsh Rarebit, when it hit me...
...not a sticky slice of melted cheese - no lobbers of solidified milkings in these offices! What hit me was just what is the definition of Toast to begin with.
The questioner asks: Toasting one side of bread followed by cheese on the other.
Accepted definition of toast is clearly one slice of bread, grilled golden brown on both sides. So the question we must first answer is... what do you call a slice of bread that has been toasted on one side only?
Is it still just Toast? Half-toast? Fuck, one fucking side of the fucking toaster's fucking well fucked toast? Perhaps even One-sided toast?
One sided toast sounds reasonable, as it is endorsed by the eco-savour tantric sexing Sting, as he proudly proclaimed in his pop poofter poem "An English Queen In New York". Well, actually he's putting the words in Quentin Crisps mouth. And not his cock. Or crisps. or something.
But here, I would once again take Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner to task over his lyrical definitionary declaration that "♪ I don't drink coffee I take tea my dear, I like my toast done on one side ♫".
Surely the accepted lyric should be "I like my bread toasted on one side". You can't have your toast "done" on one side, for that implies it is already Toast awaiting to be done. Done in what fashion, one dreads to think! Done up a bready bum bored into a baguette, probably.
But this is a proud erudite queen and renown eccentric we're talking about here - so it's probably not bread based toast at all, but raising a glass. "A Toast! Raise your asses, I mean, raise your glasses. To Quentin!" And everyone has to stand and "do their toast to the host" on one side of the room, lifting their specs in his general direction.
Unless, of course, it's another one of them there euphamisms. Maybe someone who "likes their toast done on one side" refers to those whose toast falls butter side down, so they bend over, buttock side up, as someone sidles between their buttered buttcheeks beginning a bumming. A toastmaster, perhaps, who, once utterly buttered into the buttocks, likes to "♪ move it move it ♫". Or sprinkles an additional condoment of Salt 'n' Pepa as they "♪ Ahhh, push it, push it good, Ahhh, push it, P-PUSH IT REAL GOOD! ♫". or something.
Who knows what you call bread toasted on one side. If it is just toast, how do you distinguish between dual sided toasting and singular sided toasting? If you order some toast, and only one side is cooked, do you complain for unfulfilled grillage?
But then, if you asked for cheese on toast, and they'd toasted both sides before the application of cheese, when the cheese is grilled, it'll burn any exposed toast on the grilling side. Unless, of course, you did edge-to-edge cheesings. But then you'd be unable to pick it up without blistering your fingers on hot melted cheese that seems to melt into your skin, scalding you further as you try and peel the furnace-hot skein off. Hot cheese is like a McApple Pie filling, inexplicably adhering to your epidermis and burning through like Xenomorphian blood through a spaceships "Anton" decks.
Requesting cheese on one-sided toast sounds a bit lame though. Not to mention that you're guaranteed that some smart Alec (Kyle) will try to smugly explain that a slice of bread has two sides, otherwise it would become some sort of mouldy metaphysical Möbius toast, and such an impossible snack could break the space-time continuum and some scientist would have to pull off the Cerne giant via his black hole or some such to come up with a Higgs Bo'sun of improbablity bobbins that greybeards are so fond of these days (for the Snark was a Boojum, you see!).
This leads on to another classic Physics conundrum.
If bread always lands butter side down, what effect does toasting the other side have on the splat rate? And if you buttered the toasted side instead, what effect would that have on rotational downfall? Heck - what about melted, partially melted or freshly applied butter? The untoasted side should be warm enough to change the state/mass/form of the butter. And does the degree of toasting affect the gravitational spiral - would burnt toast land burnt side down due to the weight of charred carbon, or would a light browning lessen the degree to which it would lean towards a toasty decline?
I tried to get a definitive answer out of Paul Young, but his hit [Kraft cheese] single "♪ Whatever I spread on toast, that's my home ♫" is of fuck all use. He just waffled on for ages about bases and toppings:
♪ 'Cos there's so much to choose from,
There's brown bread, white bread,
There's brown bread, white bread,
All sorts of wholemeal bread;
It comes in funny packages with writing on the side,
But it doesn't matter which one you have
'Cos when you cut the crusts off,
Have it with marmalade
Or butter, cheese, tomatoes, beans, banana
Or chocolate if you're strange,
It doesn't really matter.
Oh no, it all goes with toast,
Just toast ♫
Then he went off and wrote another hit about how he adored the music of Pulp, specifically his "love of the Common People one wot Jarvis did with that Sadistic Frost designer bird out of Dracula pushing him about in a trolly whilst that Keeley Whores out of Ashes To Ashes dances about in Stepney's Nightclub"
So there you go. Just what is bread toasted on one side only, and what is the correct name for the same with cheese applied to the untoasted element before grilling?
I propose: Grilled cheese on bread wot's been toasted on the bottom.
Think that adequately covers it!
And you can giggle at saying bottom.
Or even an inadequately covered bottom!
Tittery tee hee hee, and a chuckle or chortle or two for further mirthings at tittery...
Talking of tits, let's leave the final word to these two chest humps:
...and in camera shot, the bread is too!
B'dum t'ish!
AND not only does the gormster eat with his mouth open, he sings with a mouthful of masticated cheese and bread! No manners some people!!
Besides - they think that Bitches Love Cheese Toast. They love cheese toast. That makes them a pair of bitches. And clearly nudie drug man is the daddy, and his life-partner is his bitch.
"Yo bitch - gitchore bitch ass in the kitchen and make me some cheese toast so I can sing about how bitches love it, bitch!"
Worrabitch!
