Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
♪ Who lives in a cemetery over a grave?
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
All marble-y military offensive be he
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
On 7ft headstones remembered ye wish
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!
Don't tour in Iraq or get shot by your bitch!
Spongebob Squarepants, Spongebob Squarepants (etc) ♫
Ah, the god ole USA of A, land of the free, home of the brave.
Well, not of the Brave, as all the Red Indian, sorry, Naive 'murkin Braves were genocidedly decimated and interred in Reservations...
...but home of the free! Free to not have sentient aqua-anthropomorphic sponge simulacra masquerading as a mausoleum monument, that is!.
You and your family's wishes to be buried beneath a eidolon of cartoon characterisation counts all for naught in a free society, as them there officials take the moral high ground, on the basis that the gay, short-wearing bikini-bottom dwelling fun-loving retards are not in keeping with the misery of a place of mourning.
Who wants to visit grandma, only to have a beaming sponge grinning up at you from the grave alongside? Why, someone might think that a chortling corpse of a sponge has been laid to rest, who may rise in zombified rage and eat yer face off as you weep over your familial loss! As the Steve Miller band one said:
♪ Aqua, aqua cadaver - he's gonna rise up and grab ya! ♫
Even worse - they spent 8 grand creating Spongebog in full miltary gear, to represent the soldier, and the ghastly, grim, ungainly, gaunt gravekeeper (known only as one Squidward Quincy Tentacles) had it removed, the meanie.
But - there's nowt like forward planning, for the family created another Spongebob for the dead girl's twin sister...
...now, I don't know about you, but when your sister has been murdered, I'd be worried if my parents turned to me and said "don't worry. We'll give her a nice funeral. Look, we've got a carved SpongeBob Statue as a headstone. Oh, by the way - we've got you one too. It's all ready and on your grave, waiting for you"...
...that's a bit creepy - there's an unspoken, unsubtle hint of "We've spend £16k on these, and found you a plot to boot - so you'd better hurry up and die, bitch, coz we ain't wasting £8k on a headstone you're not gonna use! Let me have a word with you estranged partner - I have a gun & knife collection I can lend them..."
I don't know - you can't have a headstone of Spongebob as it doesn't fit in with the historical look and can be offensive, yet they have all these Weeping Angels and stuffs. They're no more real than Spongebob, but they don't complain about them do they! And crosses - headstones shaped like crosses, reminiscent of torturous cruxifiction, but that's OK. Stained glass in church windows, depicting oiled-up 6-packed saints in their underpants wrestling dragons and stuff - and they reckon Spongebob's too gay?
Good job they didn't give the sisters the two main characters instead. Spongebob for the dead one, and Patrick for the living one. But then, the family are "of colour", so no doubt there'll always be someone complaining that a statue of a chocolate starfish is inappropriate.
It's posthumous correctness gone mad, I tell thee!
