How sick is this (how gone's The Sun)...

AAAAARRRRGGGHH!

I despair, I really do!

I've just been into The City to get a bank statement (as HSBC have made it nigh on impossible to use Online Banking now. More on that another time) so I could check me Car Insurance Renewal has gone through (as papers have been filched by the Stamp Gnome, who's diversifying further, the bastard!).

Anyhoo, I swung by WH Smiths, and fatefully caught The Front Page.

Now, yesterday, The Daily Jugs had a full Front Page of bloody Cheryl Cole and fucking Will.I.Am, and how they were off to Maccy D's after a long tiring "recording" session or sumfink, and because they were tired, Will.I.Arse drove into a parked car and smashed her face up.

Fair enough - celebrities driving into parked cars - not my cup of tea, but newsworthy for some.

So what headlining Full Page Spread caught mine eye this lunchtime?

"Big Smack And Fries!"

Oooh - Big Smack and Fries, eh! Is this a revelation that Chex & Will.I.Can'tBeArsed were on The Smack? Coke-ing it up the hooter off the bog seat and dangerously driving all drugged up?

No.

Cheryl Cole (29) reveals "We were on our way to MACDONALDS¹ when we crashed!"

Seriously - a full front page repetition of their previous days headlining article, just because Ms Cole "is worf it, pet"?

We get 2 Golds, 2 Silvers and 3 Bronzed by admirable athletes accomplishing achievements beyond merit, and The Daily Jugs basically reprints an identical Headliner from the previous day?

Oh, wait a minute...

* remembers standard Scum reader *

Ah - memories like a goldfish, and probably forgot yesterdays baps.

Sorry, this is the literary educational "Get Devolved" The Scum...

...clearly I should have written MAMMARIES like a goldfish²!

¹ NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY THE DAILY JUGS NEEDED TO PUT MACDONALDS IN CAPITALS. I'M SUPRISED THERE WASN'T A DRAMATIC FANFARE TO ACCOMPANY IT - MACDONALDS! DUM DUM DUUUUUUMMM! FOLLOWED BY OMG CAT AND OTHER SURPRISED AMINALS OF THE NUDETUBE PHENOMENA. OR SOMETHING.

² GOLD ALLOWED!
Whay-aye Pet - Pet Goldfish, that is!
Roving Reporter Sasquatch Xymon reports:
CHERYL COLE (former X-Factor Judge) was today SHOCKED when she found out that her BREASTS have been compared to those of a GOLDFISH!
Ms Cole (29) was out with WILL.I.AM when our Intrepid Reporter told her of the stories we had made up about her BREASTS.
A SHOCKED Ms Cole commented "OMG. Will was TALKING at me, and he was talking about SPACE and RECORDS and MARS bars, so I had NO IDEA you had discovered my TERRIBLE SECRET you have invented!".
Ms Cole (who found fame auditioning for Poptarts: The Rivals) was out with friend Will.I.Am.A.Twat when he somehow CRASHED into a parked car.
Luckily for her fans, her BREASTS were NOT HARMED in the accident.
Later this morning, she was SEEN drinking strong COFFEE during a RADIO interview in which she was PROMOTING her NEW SINGLE which the CRASH hadn't drawn attention to.
Later, it is expected that the GEORDIE Lass may RELAX with a PINT of Newky Broon and a TAKEAWAY KEBAB ordered through JustEat.co.uk
"Whay-ay, Man, " said the leggy brunettey-blondey (formerly of Girls Aloud before going solo with hit albums 3 words and Messy Little Raindrops), "it's safer, like, to order stuff off the net than risk driving into parked cars".
Better lay off those kebabs, Chez, or it'll be Girls O'Lard!
Quorn promoter Jane Horrocks quipped "As long as Ms Tweedy sticks to kebabs and not pies - I don't like gravy!", referring to her rôle as BUSTY Babs the chicken, in the 2000 film Chicken Run which FEATURES a character called Mrs Tweedy who likes CHOKING chickens.
Ashley Cole's, possibly.
Cheryl (the face of L'Oréal) MUST now wear a SLING over her left arm, to help HEAL the BLOOODY NOSE she incurred in the INCIDENT.
[see PICTURE opposite of our ARTIST'S interpretation of what Ms Cole (29) COULD look like with the MAMMARIES of a GOLDFISH].

Falling on my head like a tin of emulsion...

Now, you may remember my rant about the newsworthy priorities for the retarded readers of redtop rags, but the Norwich Evening News takes the biscuit.

A biscuit clearly dunked in the watery Wensum river!

See, Norfolk & Suffolk is often scorned on comedy shows for it's backward, tractor-driving, beet-eating, web-fingered inbred yokels. I think the calibre of News yesterday justifies the stereotyping of these moon-faced morons:

THAR BE THAT "RAIN" - IN NORWICH!

And to cap it all, they have a Comments Section, where they actuall invite the slack-jawed locals to "comment on their experience" of having rain in Norwich.

Really? Has Norwich never had inclemental weather? It's actually headline news on their website that It Rained A Bit In Norwich As It Has Many Times Before? Jesus Christ - there literally is no hope!

Tell you what, Mr Eastern Evening News reporter - I'll send you a comment:

Once upon a Wednesday arvo

As I looked out of office window

at many a grey and brooding stormcloud of ill forbidding rain

As I engaged in office chatter

Suddenly, I heard a clatter

As of something gently patter

splatter on my window pane

"'tis pissing down" I muttered, "typical fucking twatarse pain

Where's me brolly? Home again!"

Still, at least they made up for the ridiculous shock news of rainfall in Norfolk with tales of employment for enchanted mythical monsters.

Todays headline news is that Some Maniac Ran Amok in Secondhand Land!

Forget your Columbine Colleges and Aurora Cinemas - we have a mad loon taking an axe to Steptoe and Son!

But what drove this maniac to assault reflective cabinets and windows? I think I know the answer from this part of the article:

"Goblin Demirci, who runs Cafe Corner opposite the shop..."

O-ho! Goblin Demirci! Well, there's your problem, right there! I too would have taken an axe to the window if I had seen a suspicious sprite of unfriendly Leprechaunage in the window!¹

So what if it was a reflection in the window of the Kobold across the street - he didn't realise it was behind him - he thought it was a small deformed pixie in front of him, about to leap up and eat his face off in an orcish fashion!

So can you blame him for whipping his chopper out and flailing it at the woman in the window?

Forget Goblin Demirci - I wonder if any other færiefolk are running businesses across the City.

Is that Feet Eating Fish Spa on St Stephens run by Mermaid Poole? The almost neighbouring Fat Birds Tent-Sized Dress shop run by Troll Ingham-Bridge? The Loft gay bar run by Fairy Clary?

I know Starbucks should be renamed Stardust for the angelic Pixie Pretties, but I don't expect the Evening News to be racistly [mythical-speciesistly?] reporting on the race of their witnesses!

Perhaps I need to re-introduce my Rain Man reply to the surprise shock of this new fangled thing called aqua from the heavens that confused and bewildered the precipitationally unaware journalists (journos pissed?) who have to tell the dwellers of Norfuck of this blight of falling Stuff From The Skies:

Sasquatch Xymon, who works in IT with other malformed portly Abdominal Snowfolk, said today "Once upon a Wednesday arvo..."

See - I'll be dead ace at being a Roving Reporter me!

And I even have Making My Excuses And Leaving off to a Tee...

...although I'd rather be making an excuse to get her to leave her Tee off...

And I don't mean golf...

¹UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT'S A MISPRINT, AND THEY MEANT GOBBLING DEMIRCI, WHICH HAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERPRETATION!
   GOBBLING ALL THE FOOD IN THE CAFÉ, OF COURSE!
   WHAT? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
   YOU THOUGHT...
   ...WELL, THAT'S ALL YOU, THAT IS! YOU SICK PERVY...

Lions, en masse, on yer back, up yer ass...

Alleviating the alienation and reaffirming a sense of wantedness, I call upon ye stalwart companions for an evening of Olympian televisual banqueture!

Alas! Tragedy hath struck! Another acquaintance has had a canine casualty! Assaulted by Alsatians or some such. So, once more I am abandoned as it's deemed the best way to recuperate from shitzhu savagery is to get back in the company of other dogs ASAP!

Seems logical... until you think of the chihuahua being taken to the doggie bedside for encouraging recuperation...

...the dog with a tendency to shove it's nose up any other four legged creature's chocolate starfish (or plush toy, preferably a draught excluder that's dwarfed into insignificance by your schlong) and try to bumrape it to death!

Not the best way to recover from the terrible trauma of a mauling - to be comforted by a savage shagging up the shitter!

Imagine it were Siegfried and Roy after the tigers et their faces off and et them to death. Once the feral beasts have been put to sleep, in order to "get them back in the game" of the magical menagerie, they'd send in Julian Clary to give 'em a good fisting, with a side order of Dale Winton bummage!

Then again, Horn would probably like that, as it's alleged that the biting off of his head has changed his personality, and he's now true to his name - feeling up his physiotherapists, cupping the cock and crack of his caretakers, groping his nurses and molesting everything within reach!

Well, I guess it's right up their back passage. Weren't they nobbing that woman behind each others beast-with-two-backs? And shagging the tigers. Or was that some other adulterous couple made up in the news as a comparative backstory regarding other similar Panthera Tigris Vegas performance shenannigans? I remember some leathery woman in spandex looking all haggard in the photos...

Or was that David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer goose-ing diverse forms of avian fowl?

Something like that.

Probably.

Or not.

As the case may be.

Or something.

Anyhoo, the point is, when maimed from a mauling, I suspect the psychological shock is not exactly lightened by being forcibly subjected to sphincter sex by a hound!

Still, as excuses for Avoiding The Xym go, having to go and gaysex an assault victim by way of beastiality to regain canine confidence is one of the better ones!

Hide away from the raging mob...

"Oh Xym, Oh Xym, Oh come out, do!"
Very well, my dear, I shall do too!
Just state your plans and the venue
"I'l let you know/get back to you!"

"Oh Xym, Oh Xym, Oh where was thee?

We missed you out on Saturdee!"

Why, I was lain on the settee

forlornly awaiting txts from thee

All spruced up and out the tub

With no word of pub nor club

Just a txt to say "You're dumped!"

And I ain't pulled, so now I'm stumped!

So I assume The Xym's not wanted

For locations hath not been imparted

No Xym to get the Party started

And leave his Pretties broken-hearted¹?

"Oh Xym, Oh Xym, where was thee Mon²

We know you must weigh half a ton

But surely you could waddle on

down to t'pub where Fest is on?"

What be this fest of what thou speak?

For mine psychic powers e'en at their peak

cannot delve into thine mind and peek

at this fest of which thou speak!

"The one just down the road from you

We just forgot to invite you...

Because, of course, we thought you knew!

And that's the tale we're sticking to!"

Seems everyone was there but me³

Partaking of a pint or three

Happy that they're finally free

of that bastard Xym-on-ee!

So wonder not "Oh where is Xym?"
and think him all unwelcomin'
because you did not invite him in
and therefore he was totally unaware of it until people started banging on about why he was being such an unsociable miserable sod for not turning up at things he was expected to be at, despite not being given any details. Or being invited. Or even made aware that he should be at the aforementioned Eventage. Or that there was even Eventage on in the first place!

¹ WELL, LESS BROKEN-HEARTED AND MORE IN A CELEBRATORY FIESTA AT THE LACK OF THE LECHEROUS LARDARSE LEERING AT LADIES AND GENERALLY POLLUTING THE ATMOS WITH HIS PRESENCE.

² MONDAY. NOT MON AS IN RASTA, YEAH'MON.

³ APART FROM THEM WHAT WEREN'T!

Oh Superman...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

What's new pussycat, ROARRR-A-ROAR-OARRR...

Ah, the Essex Serengeti Safari of Clacton-On-Sea!

Now, many an ABC (Alien Big Cat) has been seen about the English Countryside. Pumas, Tigers, Panthers - not to mention the Beast of Bowthorpe, the Costessey Cheetah or the Sabre Teethed Tigers of Catton Mango Grove.

For now the residents of Essex are High on something.

High on

A Lion

In Claton.

Which is better than being high on Celine Dion in Bolton.

or something.

Anyhoo, up comes them GovernMental Men In Blacks with their conspiracy tales.

"No ma'am. That was no lion you saw take down that Gazelle. That was your average ginger pussytat!"

Now, I'm no David Attenborough, but even I know the difference between a monster moggie and a great big feck off lion!

One sits there, sunning itself and licking it's arse. The other is a bloke in a bad aminal costume prancing off to see sorcerers who will fill his custardy heart with bravery.

Then again, it wasn't frolicking in the field with a silver-painted bloke with a funnel on his bonce, a Wurzel without a brain, and an underage schoolgirl.

Unless it was some other form of ginger pussy, if you know what I mean (and I'm sure that you probably don't if you're a "friend of Dorothy").

These Government Agencies must think Joe & Josephine Public are stupid!

Honestly, some huge beast with a great mane rears up at you, biting your face off - it's hardly likely to be Mr Tibbles from next door is it!

It wouldn't surprise me one bit if we had feral lions roaming the English countryside. After all, Yarmouth houses the HIPPOdrome - and hippopotomi aren't supposed to be native to the Norfolk shores!

Actually, come to think of it, these so-called Hippopuomussessessessesses in the Hoppodrome look suspiciously like Horses to me. Mind you, this IS Yarmouth, where the slack-jawed web-fingered local yokels have probably been convinced that a Greyhound is one of them there Velociraptors out of Jurassic Pork.

Hold on... what's that in the mud flats...

Uhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrromnomnomnomnomeuargh!

Yikes! Save yer cauliflower...

The best unlaid plans of mice-like men...

Gosh diggity darn it!

Another year, another Notting Hill Carnival missed!

I promise ye, 2014 will be the 50th, so I'll definately be a-going to that!

I would be there today, if I had not foolishy had prior plans.

Prior plans that, like the proverbial rug, were whipped out from under me. Tumbling me to the floor, and then setting about my person with the stoutest of stout sticks!

Which is a good job really, as I'd recolor'd my plumage somewhat, and I's just discovered it's all gone pear shaped!

I thought I'd managed to split my barnet, and perform a duality of brilliance.

Almost!

Slightly ballsed up the back lower end. Unsure if it's the old color fending off the new, or if I missed a bit.

And me twiddly tashe is much foreshortened, due to inexplicable gradual disappearance!

Not that it matters.

's not like I got anyone to impress no more.

Still - could be worse - could've had another withering deconstruction like what I got off the HellTroll With A Logon's Run Festish and spiralled into a pit of despair, woe and misery!

But no more!

For I am The Xym.

And I'm feckin' marvellous.

No matter what anyone else thinks!

As I gaze into the Mirror of Doubt

I see the barrenness of this Life that remains

Yet in Despair we begin to see true Light

In weakness we can be strong

Let us draw substance from our Shadow

Chaos above me

Chaos beneath me

Chaos around me

And Chaos within me

Hey Alice, I CAN dance to that music you're playin'...

Why
    The
        Feck
            Does
                The Xym
                    Even
                        Bother
                            Bothering?

Am I bovvered? Face? Bovvered? Nah - not me!

That really is the very last time The Xym bothers making an effort with The Pretties.

See - I knew this would be how things go. Every time. Without fail.

Xym, oh Xym - Go For it, Xym!
Nah, I has no chance.
Oh Xym, Oh Xym, you has! Believe me, you HAS!

So Xym goes for it.

As predicted, Xym had no chance.

So, no longer any need to reign in the comedy lechment!

But Xym - you're such a catch! You just need to go after different bait!
No way, dude! No way am I going after some bloke's weeny maggot being dangled in me face!
Ha ha Xym - you so funny! I can't understand why you's still single!
Well, just think why YOU aren't going out with me. Got it? THAT'S why no-one else will either! Pretties with a penchant for short fat trollfaced gothboys with preposterous hair and ludicrous adornments and ridiculous accoutrements are somewhat thin on the ground!

And by thin, one means NON EXISTANT!

Still - explains why I have been furnished with a deafening silence regarding the location for celebratory inebriating beverages tonight. Seems The Xym hath once again Made Hisself Unwelcome and is surplus to requirements, and his presence is no longer required, hence venue concealment.

And there was me thinking things were going so well.

For once.

Again.

Shan't be bothering again.

Safe to say The Xym knows his place. Seeing as any confidence built up has been torn down further than God buggering Sodom to the ground, it's back to admiring married and long-term-partner'd Pretties who appreciate someone still finding them alluring, yet safe in the knowledge that there's no danger of impropriety, thus avoiding let-down and disappointment time after time.

Do we think Xym's better off alone?

Oooh

[don't bother to] Talk to me...

The Sun is out, it's full of nudes...

it's total shite and full of poo
Dear Dinsmore
Are you sure you're not gay?

So, once again The Daily Jugs pander to the illiterari, the gormless chavscum fed on a diet of Greggs pasties and Jeremy Kyle. And how do they try and get away with publishing gayporn?

"It's in the public interest, innit!"

Assuming you're a sick perv with an interest in trying to catch a glimpse of Royal Cock!

Shock! Consternation! Uproar! Squaddie Plays Strip Billiards And Loses! End up all nudie as per the rules! Pervy Mate has Snapped His Cock On Camera! Read ahl abaht it!

And this is Public Interest... how?

Let's ask general busybody, internet ghoul and all round anything-that'll-make-me-look-good-to-further-my-career bandwagon hopper Louise Mensch:
"Prince Harry, in inviting people to his room, didn't have the expectation of privacy"
Ah - so you don't expect privacy if you invite people up to your room!

* makes note to track down past partners of The Mensch and obtain their candid nudie sex romps taped in the privacy of their bedroom and get 'em published - after all, she invited them in, so can't expect any privacy! *

Uh-oh... here's comes stereotypical racist sexist Neanderthal "reader" of The Scum (and by reader, I mean Page 3 fapper)
"duhr... um... i fink, yeah, wot it is, right, like - we, the honest cash-in-hand white-van-twat tax-dodging taxpaying public have to pay for this posh boy to go on holiday, yeah. 'snot right, is it. I mean, my benefits have go on iPhones, PS3s, xBox's, 60" HD 3D widescreen tellies, expensive car, call charges for X-Factor votes, and yet he can swan off to Vegas and engage in nude romps with willing nudie womens, just coz he's single. Bleedin' cheek, innit!"
Yeah - tell you what, mate. Get off your fat arse, get a job, and like many others his age - take a trip to Vegas yourself. In fact, do what Prince Harry did - join the military, see the world, fight in Afghanistan, and between Tours Of Duty relax. You're just jealous of a young man playing Strip Billiards with hot babes, whilst you're stuck on your lazy arse ogling TOWIE freaks whilst shuddering at the thought of Strip Poker with your troll like gap toothed facially challenged ill-dressed scummy mummy Jeremy Kyle fodder of a partner and your equally lard built mates!

Ah, here comes The Daily Fail readers
"One thinks it's disgraceful. He is 3rd in line for the throne - fourth or more if Kate Middleton engages in procreation. One dreads to think what Diana would think - he may be hard working, serving our country and helping charity, but one should remember one represents Britannia 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Whilst he was sunk in depravity on Leave, he was representing the Queen. Instead of relaxing, he should have been on the Frontlines, shooting immigrants before they get over here to claim OUR benefits! This country is a joke, and once I retire I shall emigrate to Spain, where the natives speak proper English and serve a Full English and a Sunday Roast, whilst still respecting The Queen, Gawd Bless 'er (but not for murdering Diana)."

Is it just me... or is this a HUGE outcry over nothing? Over to our resident loon, eccentric, and all round buffoon - Lord Mayor of Londinium, Boris Johnson:
"I think it'd be disgraceful if a chap wasn't allowed to have a bit of fun in Las Vegas anyway, the real scandal would be if you went all the way to Las Vegas and you didn't misbehave in some trivial way!"

It's come to something when comedy poltroons in positions of Power are the only ones making any sense!

Still, it's top news. Much more important than Anders Breivik being found sane and getting sentenced to 21 years. Still - that's hardly news. In the name of ethnic immigrant cleansing of Islam from the shores of Norway, he only killed 77 people and wounded 240 others in Foreign Parts. This is England, and some bloke getting nudie in a game of strip nudiness is more in the Public Interest.

Public Interest?

Pubic interest, more like!

Lookit the Crown Jewels!

Look at them shine.

Look at them shine.

Oooh! * squirt of Mr Sheen *

Look at them shine.

"Quiz" they cried "at the pub in Costessey!"

So long, since last time
Sit here in the pub at night
Forsaken by Curtii
Slow, Slow, Slow
Plead for speed!
Sitting here in the pub all night
t'go home would be so nice

Pace o' this Quizzery

Such a mistake

Slapping my face, t'keep me awake

So slow, so slow, f-f-f-fuckin' slow!

Sip our beers, Bored to tears
Should start at 8
Starts at 9
Sitting here I can hear the cries
Of fat birds, oversized
Sitting here I'm just wanting to die
Ancient tunes plague me hour after hour
I'm sat here in a quiz that's so dire
All I hear: Why'm I here?

Poor old Xymoni

With both o'the Drakes

Speed of this quiz

Won't keep us awake

So slow, so slow, f-f-f-fuckin' slow!

Slow

Don't go!

Don't go, please don't!

Don't go!

Don't go...aaaarrrggh!

So slow, so slow, f-f-f-fuckin' slow!

Bury my face into my hands

Weep.

But on the plus side, we did win 8 pints of inebriage betwixt the three of us... which means another punishing session of o'erlong repeated snippets of snooze. At least alcohol will help us get through the long... drawn out... interminably dull... harpy screeching... pause-ridded... never-ending quiz.

Won't it?

NB: I JUST REALISED THIS SHOULD'VE GONE UP YESTERDAY. FOR SOME REASON, I THOUGHT THIS WAS LAST NIGHT - IT WASN'T. IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE. SO WTF DID I DO LAST NIGHT? I HAS NO MEMORY OF IT! I COULD' VE SWORN THIS WAS LAST NIGHT! I REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP HALF WAY THROUGH AUDITION, BUT THOUGH I STARTED WATCHING IT AFTER I GOT IN FROM THE NON-CHEERY TREE! CLEARLY I DIDN'T... MUST'VE PASSED INTO A TEMPORAL FUGUE ONCE I LEFT WORK... OR GOTS ABDUCTED BY SPACE MONSTERS ONCE MORE, AND MY MEMORY WIPED! OR MY BOTTOM WIPED, AFTER THEIR ANAL PROBINGS. OR SOMETHING.

Xym's list of exciting stuff (Sept '12)...

A list of upcoming stuffs what The Xym is sort-of looking forward to.

Jump to section:

Film --- Blu-Ray --- Gigs --- Music --- Games --- Books --- Audiodrama --- TV --- Films In Development --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Film

07 Sep 2012	Dredd 3D According to the previews… this IS Dredd! Finally! May have to book that day off to see it! They're aiming for a trilogy, with part 3 being The Dark Judges saga… possibly even the Nekropolis storyline! SQUEEEEE!!!
14 Sep 2012	ParaNorman 3D Children's Stop-Motion adventure from the makers of Coraline. Necroscope Norman must save his home town from a plague of zombies. Zombies! For Kids!
21 Sep 2012	House at the End of the Street Mom/Daughter move into dream house where the neighbors were murdered years ago. Cue unexplained going's-on
28 Sep 2012	Resident Evil: Retribution
28 Sep 2012	Looper Time Travel assasinatory type shennanigans
05 Oct 2012	Sinister Supernatural spookiness
12 Oct 2012	Hotel Transylvania Like ParaNorman… Dracula holds a birthday party for his daughter..,. WTF?!?! Well, it IS for kids, I guess…
17 Oct 2012	Frankenweenie Tim Burton's full length stop-motion movie (based on his short film)
19 Ocy 2012	Paranormal Activity 4 More unscary bobbins. Honestly, three films of absolute shite, and a fourth? Oh well…
31 Oct 2012	Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
?? Oct 2012	Giant God Warrior Appears in Tokyo Studio Ghibli live action epic, directed by Hideaki Anno of Neon Genesis Evangelion! Trailer looks… suspiciously similar to Evangelion… paving the way for a full, live action version of Evangelion after 4.44 comes out?
16 Nov 2012	Breaking Dawn part 2 Thankful end to The Twishite Saga
14 Dec 2012	Hobbit #1: An Unexpected Journey
11 Jan 2013	Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters I thought it was this year… apparently, it's next year. Bollocks.
11 Jan 2013	Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!!
?? Feb 2013	Wreck-It Ralph Video Game boss escapes his game, and goes through the other games in the Arcade. Lots of classic game boss cameos…
08 Mar 2013	Oz: The Great & The Powerful Prequel to Wizard of Oz… by Sam Evil Dead Raimi!
22 Mar 2013	Jack The Giant Killer
?? Apr 2013	Oblivion
12 Apr 2013	Stephen King's Carrie Chloe Grace Moretz to play Carrietta White, Julianne Moore to play Margaret White
12 Apr 2013	Evil Dead Remake in progress.
26 Apr 2013	Iron Man 3 Plot based on the nanotech comic storyline Extremis
17 May 2013	Star Trek 2
23 May 2013	The Lone Ranger Johnny Depp as Tonto…
23 May 2014	Planet of the Apes 2 Sequel to Tise of the Planet of the Apes being fast-tracked. Andy Serkis mo-capping again.
14 Jun 2013	Man Of Steel Zack Snyder reboots Superman…
12 Jul 2013	Monsters University Prequel to Monsters Inc.
12 Jul 2013	Pacific Rim Guillero Del Toro's Kaiju homage. Giant sea monsters awaken, only to be fought off by giant robots piloted by humans!
26 Jul 2013	Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel
?? Jul 2013	Robopocalypse Spielberg adap of Daniel H Wilson Rise Of The Machines type novel
09 Aug 2013	Robocop Remake… and Robocop will have a visor so you can see Murphy's eyes/face. Gary Oldman cast (prob not as Murphy tho')
04 Oct 2013	Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For
08 Nov 2013	Thor: The Dark World Christopher Eccleston cast as Malekith
22 Nov 2013	Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
13 Dec 2013	Hobbit #2: The Desolation Of Smaug
14 Mar 2014	Maleficent Angelina Jolie cast as Maleficient (looks awesome in the teaser pics)
04 Apr 2014	Captain America: The Winter Soldier
?? May 2014	Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Remember the recent relief that the reboot had been scrapped… it's back on again. Fuck. Let's hope they've dropped the Ninja Turtles created by Space Monsters twattery that cunted up the last reboot plot…
29 Jun 2014	Transformers 4
21 Nov 2014	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay pt 1
?? Dec 2014	Hobbit #3: There And Back Again NOW OFFICIALLY CONFIRMED! The Hobbit WILL be a trilogy!
20 Nov 2015	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay pt 2
Jump to section:	Film --- Blu-Ray --- Gigs --- Music --- Games --- Books --- Audiodrama --- TV --- Films In Development --- In Limbo --- Last month ---

Blu-Ray

03 Sep 2012	[●REC]3: Genesis
03 Sep 2012	Hunger Games Seriously - just buy Battle Royale and avoid this shit!
03 Sep 2012	Piranha 3DD Heh heh heh heh!
03 Sep 2012	The Terminator Finally!
17 Sep 2012	Avengers Assemble
18 Sep 2012	Judge Dredd There are a few good things in this… um… yeah - The Angel Gang, an ABC warrior, but seriously - removing the helmet? Fergee? Dredd snogging?
24 Sep 2012	Cabin In The Woods
24 Sep 2012	Resident Evil: Damnation
01 Oct 2012	Prometheus
09 Oct 2012	Little Shop Of Horrors: The Intended Cut CONFIRMED. 2 discs, Theatrical cut & Director's Cut, packaged in a 40 page book. Directors cut has the original ending, in color, mastered from the original color negatives!
15 Oct 2012	American Horror Story (series 1)
?? Oct 2012	Evangelion 3.33: Quickening
?? ??? 2012	Blade Runner 30th Anniversary Edition
?? ??? 2012	War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary
2012 - 2013	War of the Worlds: Goliath 3D Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Release forever being put back…
?? ??? ????	Kill Bill Redux Volumes 1 & 2 re-edited into one movie
?? ??? ????	Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut Remember Nightbreed? Snatched out of Clive Barker's hands and the last minute and butchered into a crapfest that made no sense, lost the whole plot and now impossible to get hold of? Well, Clive Barker recently found his VHS copies of the original footage that was thought lost. The film has been painstakingly reconstructed and re-edited to reflect the original vision. This "rough cut" is apparently really fucking brilliant, and pisses all over that shambles that was originally hacked to pieces for the original 1990 release. Obvs, as the extra footage is from Clive Barkers personal VHS collection, it's not great picture quality. However, turns out the "lost" footage isn't lost at all - Morgan Creek are still in possession of it! A negotiation has been agreed for them to release the footage for an uncut special Blu-Ray release... as long as they don't have to pay to produce it. WATCH THIS SPACE!!
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Gigs

15 Sep 2012	Mortad Norwich WhatACunt
16 Sep 2012	The Cult Londinium - Wembley arena Support from The Mission AND Killing Joke[?] 5 day tour: 11th - Newcastle Radio Arena 12th - Sheffield Motorpoint Arena 14th Manchester Arena 15th Birmingham LG Arena Still being advertised with KJ, despite last months rant & walk-out. Perhaps he's changed his mind?
29 Sep 2012	John Cooper-Clarke Norwich Arse Centre
30 Sep 2012	John Cooper-Clarke Norwich Arse Centre
03 Oct 2012	Ultravox Ipswich Regent
10 Oct 2012	The Fall & The Undertones Norwich Epic No, I never heard of it either! Down Magdalen Street, apparently.
25 Oct 2012	Hazel O'Connor Norwich WhatACunt
26 Oct 2012	Bat For Lashes Norwich UEA
31 Oct 2012	Fields of the Nephilim Shepherd's Bush Empire Moved due to the cancellation of the Sonisphere festival
03 Nov 2012	The Pistols Norwich WhatACunt
11 Nov 2012	3OH!3 Norwich WhatACunt
21 Nov 2012	Adam Ant Norwich UEA
21 Nov 2012	Peter Hook and The Light Norwich WhatACunt And what a cunt it is! Peter Hook, performing Joy Divisions "Unknown Pleasures" album, same night as Adam Ant. FECKARAMA!!
30 Nov 2012	The Damned Norwich UEA
03 Dec 2012	Thin Lizzy Norwich UEA
05 Dec 2012	Gary Numan Norwich UEA NOTE RESCHEDULED DATE!!!
07 Dec 2012	Pout At The Devil Norwich WhatACunt
11 Dec 2012	Human League Norwich UEA
19 Dec 2012	Sleigh in the UK The Wonder Stuff, PWEI and Jesus Jones! Shepherd's Bush Empire
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Music

05 Nov 2012	War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-recording of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. This Is NOT the live concert/show, but a new vision of the original concept album Richard Burton replaced with Liam Neeson David Essex replaced by The Kaiser Chief's Ricky Wilson
?? ??? 2012	Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant New Album - recently confirmed by Adam as a double album with 17 tracks. Presumably to be released to coincide with the tour later this year Previously rumoured tracklisting (so 17 of these - but can say for certain Vince Taylor is a definite track!): 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy
?? ??? 2012	Made Glorious The March Violets New Album!
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Games

31 Oct 2012	Assassins Creed III
?? Oct 2012	Silent Hill: Book of Memories
20 Nov 2012	Resident Evil 6
?? ??? 2012	Animal Crossing 3Ds
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Books

06 Sep 2012	The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert
?? Nov 2012	Blake's 7: Archangel Harrison, Scott New B7 novel set between series 2 episodes 6 (Trial) and 7 (Killer)
?? ??? 2012	The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age Rankin, Robert
?? ??? 2012	e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian - in negotiations
?? ??? 2012	Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian
01 Jan 2013	Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J.
?? Feb 2013	Blake's 7: Warship Anghelides, Peter. Expansion of the AudioDrama (eBook only). Fills in the gap beween series 2 & 3 (Episodes Star One and Aftermath)
13 May 2013	Blood of Dragons Hobb, Robin
?? May 2013	Blake's 7: Lucifer Darrow, Paul Picks up where the series left off - what happened to Avon!
?? ??? ????	The Chickens of Atlantis and other Foul and Filthy Fiends Rankin, Robert
?? ??? ????	The Crow Shirley, John. New graphic Mini-series, set in Tokyo
?? ??? ????	The Sandman Neil Gaiman - Yes, Neil is writing a new Sandman! This will cover the events Morpheus mentioned prior to his capture by Burgess. From Neil himself: "When I finished writing The Sandman, there was one tale still untold. The story of what had happened to Morpheus to allow him to be so easily captured in The Sandman #1, and why he was returned from far away, exhausted beyond imagining, and dressed for war. It was a story that we discussed telling for Sandman's 20th anniversary... but the time got away from us. And now, with Sandman's 25th anniversary year coming up, I'm delighted, and nervous, that that story is finally going to be told,"
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Audiodrama

?? Feb 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #3 The Armageddon Storm Features original cast members Paul Darrow, Michael Keating, Jan Chappel and Tom Chabdon reprising their roles as Kerr Avon, Vila Restal, Cally and Del Grant
?? Feb 2013	Blake's 7: Warship See book above. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow, Michael Keating, Sally Knyvette, Jan Chappell & Jacqueline Pearce reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon, Vila Restal, Jenna Stannis, Cally and Servalan!
?? Feb 2013	Retromancer Robert Rankin adaptation in 13 half-hour episodes. To be aired on BBC Radio Feb 2013
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #4 TBA
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #5 TBA
?? ??? 2013	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #6 TBA
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TV

27 Sep 2012	Continuum Showing in UK on: SyFy Time Travelling terrorists!
?? Sep 2012	Revolution From the creators of Lost & Supernatural. An EMP wipes all power on earth. Forever. Post-apocalyptic type shennanigans?
09 Oct 2012	The River Showing in UK on: SyFy
14 Oct 2012	Walking Dead (Series 3) Showing in UK on: FX
31 Oct 2012	Secret Of Crickley Hall Showing in UK on: BBC1
Autumn 2012	Doctor Who Showing in UK on: BBC1
Autumn 2012	Misfits (Series 4) Showing in UK on: E4
Autumn 2012	Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start)
Latter 2012	Arrow Showing in UK on: Sky Living DC Characters feature in this Green Arrow adap
Latter 2012	Grimm (Series 2) Showing in UK on: Watch
Latter 2012	Primeval: New World
?? ??? 2012	American Horror Story (series 2) To be set in the 1960s. In a loony bin… sorry, Asylum. To be an anthology series…
?? ??? 2012	The Best Possible Taste BBC4 - 90min Kenny Everett Biopic
?? ??? 2012	Sinbad New mini-series
SPRING 2023	Game Of Thrones (series 3) Series three to be A Storm Of Swords, Part 1
?? ??? ????	A.L.F. Yes, they're bringing back ALF from 1980s Melmak…
?? ??? ????	American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Produced by Tom Hanks.
?? ??? ????	Bates Motel Psycho: Norman Bates, The Early Years… oh dear…
?? ??? ????	Blake's 7 Another potential reboot. This time optioned to the US.
?? ??? ????	Dracula 10 part series featuring Jonathan Rhys Meyers as The Count
?? ??? ????	Exorcist: The Beginning Spin-off series
?? ??? ????	Gotham
?? ??? ????	Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK
?? ??? ????	Stephen King's Under The Dome Scripted by one of the writers of Lost…
?? ??? ????	Mockingbird Lane Remake of The Munsters. Eddie Izzard as Grandpa, Jerry O'Connell as Herman, Mason Cook as Eddie
?? ??? ????	New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!!
?? ??? ????	Once Upon A Time (Series 2)
?? ??? ????	666 Park Avenue
?? ??? ????	Space 2099 Yes, they're rebooting Gerry Anderson's Space 1999 in a new century…
?? ??? ????	Star Wars: Underworld
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Films In Development

?? ??? 2012	[●REC]4: Apocalypse
?? ??? 2012	Bill & Ted #3
?? ??? 2012	Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!!
?? ??? 2012	Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie.
?? ??? 2012	Smiley
?? ??? 2012	Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012
?? ??? 2013	Day of the Triffids Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi producing
?? ??? 2013	Frozen Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen"
?? ??? 2013	Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie
?? ??? 2013	Last Voyage of the Demeter The bit in Dracula where The Count travels in his coffin from Transylvania to England. Expanded into a movie with Viggo "Aragorn, son of Arathorn" Mortensen
?? ??? 2013	Pride and Prejudice... and Zombies
?? ??? 2013	Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford
?? ??? 2013	Short Circuit Remake. Oh Mr Johnny Five, this good news, no?
?? ??? 2013	Stephen King's The Stand Remake - latest is that it may be split into several films or another mini-series.
?? ??? 2013	Suspiria Back on again (probably without Natalie Portman now)
?? ??? 2013	The World's End Final part in Pegg/Frost's Blood & Ice Cream trilogy
?? ??? 2014	Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again.
?? ??? 2014	The Night Stalker Johnny Depp as Kolchak in the film adap of the series
?? ??? 2014	Woman in Black: Angels of Death Hammer's [unnecessary] sequel to The Woman In Black set 20 years later…
?? ??? 2014	Zorro Reborn "The Fox" is rebooted!
?? ??? 2015	Avatar 2
[Jun?] 2015	Avengers 2 Announced 8/8/2012 - Joss Whedon returning to write and direct!
?? ??? 2015	Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on
?? ??? ????	Abarat Adap of books 1 & 2 of Clive Barker's series. To be produced once books 3 & 5 published.
?? ??? ????	Atlantis Rising Comic book adap - may be a miniseries?
?? ??? ????	Assassins Creed Michael Fassbender to star as Altair
?? ??? ????	Avatar 3
?? ??? ????	Avatar 4 Only a possibility of Avatar 4 at moment
?? ??? ????	Batman Reboot (for a change!). Apparenly, due to the Avengers success, this one is to begin setting up a JLA movie.
?? ??? ????	Beetlejuice 2 Tim Burton back at the helm, and Michael Keaton now signed on to reprise role as Beetlejuice! Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, etc
?? ??? ????	Blade Runner 2 No prequel, and Harrison Ford WON'T be in it… unless Ridley decides he can have a brief cameo.
?? ??? ????	Boy Scouts vs Zombies Jesus. It gets worse…
?? ??? ????	Carpe Diem: The Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom With a title like that, I gotta see it!
?? ??? ????	The Crow Legal details now resolved, so reboot going ahead. Can't see this being an improvement on the original.
?? ??? ????	Dinosaurs vs Aliens Barry Sonnenfield directing Grant Morrisson's adap of his graphic novel
?? ??? ????	Dracula Eli Roth directing Russell Crowe as Drac…
?? ??? ????	Exists Sasquatch hunts humans. From the people who brought you The Blair Witch Project. Oh dear.
?? ??? ????	Fantastic Four Reboot…
?? ??? ????	Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie
?? ??? ????	The Graveyard Book Henry Selick adapting another Neil Gaiman book.
?? ??? ????	Hallowe'en Another reboot - can't be worse than the Rob Zombie mess
?? ??? ????	Hellboy 3 Guillermo Del Toro has started work on it!
?? ??? ????	Here There Be Monsters 18th Century sea monster stuff
?? ??? ????	Highlander Reboot up again…
?? ??? ????	Hulk 3
?? ??? ????	Human Centipede III: Final Sequence Yes, it's been scripted and the cast signed on to reprise their HC2 roles…
?? ??? ????	I Am Legend 2 How can he be a legend again? Oh, he wasn't in the first film either… JUST MAKE "I AM LEGEND" PROPERLY!
?? ??? ????	Stephen King's 'IT' Back on again! Cary Fukunaga relaces David Kajganich as writer, and becomes director. Also, it's being split into 2 movies (like the mini-series, then!)
?? ??? ????	Jitters Giant killer insects…
?? ??? ????	Jurassic Park 4 Kicking off a new trilogy… oh dearie me…
?? ??? ????	Kick Ass 2: Balls To The Wall
?? ??? ????	Little Shop Of Horrors Remake of the Musical version, developed by (and starring) Joseph Gordon-Levitt
?? ??? ????	Logan's Run Rumour is the remake's back on again…
?? ??? ????	Monsters: Dark Continent Sequel to Monsters. As of the original borefest wasn't enough tedium for anyone, they want to bore us to death again!
?? ??? ????	Monty Python's… Untitled tale of aliens giving superpowers to a human for laughs. All the remaining Pythons… except, of course, Eric Idle who's refusing at the moment.
?? ??? ????	The Mummy Part of Universal's 100 year celebrations, another reboot
?? ??? ????	Neuromancer Adap of William Gibson novel
?? ??? ????	Night Of The Living Tim Burton & Seth Grahame-Smith developing
?? ??? ????	Pinocchio Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto). Or, maybe not Burton now - rumour is that Guillermo del Toro has taken over, with Daniel Radcliffe and Tom Waits. In 3D
?? ??? ????	Poltergeist Sam Raimi remaking
?? ??? ????	Prometheus 2 Script now being written…
?? ??? ????	Shadow of the Colossus Adaptation of the game
?? ??? ????	Tape 4 Some Lovecratian terror!
?? ??? ????	Time After Time Remake of the 80s classic - Jack The Ripper escapes to modern times in HG Wells Time Machine, chased by… HG Wells himself!
?? ??? ????	Timecrimes US Remake of the Spanish classic
?? ??? ????	Triplets! Sequel to Twins! Schwarzenegger and DeVito discover their long-lost Brother (Eddie Murphy)… Recently confirmed by DeVito as actually being in development. Oh dear….
?? ??? ????	X-Men: First Class 2 Given the go-ahead.
?? ??? ????	Van Helsing Reboot, with Tom Cruise as Van Helsing…
?? ??? ????	Venom Spidey-Man spin off
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In Limbo

IN LIMBO	Akira Production once again halted…
IN LIMBO	At The Mountains Of Madness Guillerro Del Toro's plans are ruined. Ridley Scott's Prometheus is more-or-lese the same concept.
IN LIMBO	Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick
IN LIMBO	Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski
IN LIMBO	Ghostbusters 3 Officially dead. Bill Murray has said NO WAY, and unless he's on board, there will be no movie
IN LIMBO	Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding.
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter
IN LIMBO	Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time"
IN LIMBO	Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months
IN LIMBO	Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director
IN LIMBO	Power of the Dark Crystal Sequel to The Dark Crystal Back on hold as of 21 Feb 2012, as OmniLab cut all funding due to the failure of their crap film 'The Killer Elite'. The Henson Group may speak to them later in 2012 about further development, or seek a new partner, or can the whole project. Again.
IN LIMBO	Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down.
IN LIMBO	Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America.
IN LIMBO	Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes
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Last month

31 Aug 2012	The Possession Women buys a box at a yard sale. And demons terrorise her. Sounds a bit Hellraisery to me!
31 Aug 2012	No Sharks in the Med and Other Stories Lumley, Brian 1. Fruiting Bodies, 2. The Sun, the Sea, and the Silent Scream, 3. The Picnickers, 4. The Viaduct, 5. The Luststone, 6. The Whisperer, 7. No Sharks in the Med, 8. The Pit-Yakker, 9. The Place of Waiting, 10. The Man Who Killed Kew Gardens, 11. My Thing Friday, 12. The Disapproval of Jeremy Cleave
31 Aug 2012	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. Wolf. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally
29 Aug 2012	The Watch 4 Neighbourhood Watch members take on invading Space Monsters…
29 Aug 2012	Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake… and NOW I'm told Kate Beckinsale IS in it! Yay!
29 Aug 2012	Cockneys vs Zombies Oh my God, why? Will it never end…
27 Aug 2012	War of the Worlds Series 2 of the 1989 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only)
27 Aug 2012	Walking Dead (Series 2)
20 Aug 2012	Puppetmaster
20 Aug 2012	GYO Tokyo Fish Attack Zombie Fish with robo-legs invade Tokyo..
20 Aug 2012	Battleship
17 Aug 2012	Brave Pixar wee Scotch lassie stuff!
17 Aug 2012	The Bourne Legacy Seems to be a reboot/remake of The Bourne Identity.
06 Aug 2012	Futile Combat Skeletal Family Re-Issue with extra tracks
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