Not a feast for me, not a feast I know...
Todays blog was going to be a review of Jeff Wayne's George Lucas-ing Of Jeff Wayne's Musical Version Of The War Of The Worlds: The New Generation.
But I need to listen to it more than once, and for a bit longer to have a more objective opinion.
So it'll have to wait until next week!
Then, I was going to put an education blog up for Mens on How To Use A Bloody Toilet At Work You Skankarse Filthy Sods, but foolishly looked at today's canteen menu and got de-railed.
So what delights are lined up today?
BBQ Feast!
Mmmmm nommage. Burgers! Sausages! Chops! Steaklets! Ribs! Chicken! All done on a flaming BBQ in a proper neanderthal manly cooking stylee, and smothered in smokey sauce. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Think I'll have me some of that... hold up... there's a description! Let's see:
BBQ FEAST
Grilled beef burger with salad £2.95
Add onion rings for 50p
Eh whut? Since when does a solitary burger (presumably in a bun) constitute a BBQ Feast? Perhaps I misunderstand the term Feast. FFS - it doesn't even come with chips! And even if it did, I wouldn't class a bog standard burger & chips as a feast, let alone forgoing a platter of fries in favour of 6 rancid breaded onion rings!
BBQ Feast, my best hat! It's a feckin' burger. No more. No less.
So instead, I decided to nom upon the Mexicana option: Mixed Mushroom Frittata with sauté potatoes and salad.
Although, it turns out:
● Frittata1 is mexican for Manky Over-Peppered2 Inedible Omelette
● Sauté is mexican for spud sort of (hence sauté. sort of → sorta → saurtay → sauté) sliced into 4 and fried a bit to look golden brown yet still remain uncooked
● Salad is mexican for a bit of tomato sliced into a complex structure atop the omelette, and a sprinkling of chopped mystery green on the spuds.
Oh well, that'll learn me. Think I'll throw an Xmas Banquet this year. One Iceland Twizzler with a lone mince pie chaser.
Or is that too much for a banquet?
Perhaps I should play it safe, and scale back to feast levels, and replace the mince pie with a vol-au-vent.
Further linguistical educationalisms for you: did you know Vol-au-vent is poncey chef-speak for The Venting Of The Volcano? The puff pastry case is designed to represent a mini "volcano", spewing out a lava of eggy mayo to replicate the stench of methane gas (or prawn cocktail to mimic the surrounding seafood by the shore of Krakatoa). Scoffing the tasty aperitíf is symbolic of overcoming the adversity of natural disaster. Like James Bond & Sarah Connor up at Danté's Peak fighting off Terminators and boiling grannies in acid lakes. Or Tommy lee Jones and Anne Heche digging trenches... oh wait, I think I'm getting confused. No - Anne Heche was too busy licking out Ellen DeGeneres's downtown trench4. Anyhow, despite her twat-tongueing ways, they took on the La Brea Tar Pit spewer of volcanic death, and lived happily ever after (albeit without the lezzing up on comedienne presenters).
Tell you what though - I bet that Pierced Brosnan5 and Sarah Connor took time to take advantage of the roasting forestry game and lava-fire for a proper BBQ feast on the way to safety!
And what's do we get - a solitary burger passed off as a "feast".
Well, not me - I just ended up with rancid omelette, and now feel somewhat queasy...
1 ♫ A 'COON IN FRITTATA ♫ - APPARENTLY, THIS IS SOME SONG IN THE LOIN KING WHERE TIMBO AND BUMPOO PROMOTE THE CULLING OF RACCOONS, AND NOT LETTING THE CARCASS GO TO WASTE BY PUTTING IT IN AN OMELETTE. SOME SICK FUCKS WORK AT DISNEY THESE DAYS!
2 THE 'ORRIBLE GREY BRITISH PEPPER OUT OF A DIRTY CRUET, THAT IS - NOT THE NICE RED/RELLOW/GREEN PEPPERS FAVOURED BY PONCHO CLAD HOMBRÉS WITH A TASTE FOR A CHILLI-DRIPPING DROOPY TASHE, SIX-SHOOTER, TWO FINGERS OF TEQUILA3 AND A COPY OF FIESTA UNDER THEIR SOMBRERO (CUMBRERO?) DURING (DUREX?) THEIR AFTERNOON "SIESTA"
3 AND WE DON'T EVEN GET THE TEQUILA! INSTEAD THEY GOT MULLED WINE TEA! MULLED
WINE TEA!?!? IMAGINE THAT - I'D TRY IT, FOR MULLED WINE IS THE TITS, BUT CINNAMON
CLOVE PG TIPS? URGH! IT DOESN'T BEAR THINKING ABOUT!!
4 UNTIL SHE REALISED THAT NO-ONE WOULD HIRE HER FOR LEZZING UP WITH A HIGH-PROFILE RUGMUNCHER. SO SHE DITCHED ELLEN, MARRIED A BLOKE AND SPAWNED, AND NOW WATCHES ALL THE MOVIE ROLES ROLL RIGHT ON IN! CYNICAL SACRIFICE OF SEXUALITY JUST TO GET FAME AND FORTUNE? SURELY NOT... ALTHOUGH I DO WONDER HOW SANDI TOKSVIG KEEPS GETTING ON QI - PERHAPS SHE'S GIVEN UP FISH SUPPERS AND MARRIED STEPHEN FRY. WHO KNOWS? NOT ME. I KNOW NOTHING, ME!
5 SIMILAR TO A PRINCE ALBERT? I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY BROSNAN IS, BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I DON'T THINK I'D FANCY HAVING NIPPLE CLAMPS PUT THROUGH THEM. OR SOMETHING.
