Forget O.R.A.C. - we're talking Stephen Orlac and his Frankensteinian appendages.
On the telly box today is a whole heap of news reports about how some pub landlord got fat and his hand dropped off, so they've sewn another one on from an anonymous donor.
Now, we all know what happens with hand transplants - you go out strangulating womens coz you've been given the hands of a murderer, and they've taken on the now legendary Life Of Their Own.
Which is worse for this bloke coz, he's a pub landlord. Living in Norwich, I used to go down The Ferryboat. Ace live venue, until people moved nearby, whinged about the noise and got it shut down1. Anyhoo, the point is that that self same pub landlord who ran The Ferryboat turned out to be mental dress wearing streetwalker shagger Steve Wright2, The Suffolk Strangler.
And now another pub landlord has had deviant digits attached to blame his rampage of slaughter-in-a-box on!
Wait a minute... the op was in Leeds General Infirmary... haunt of alleged kiddie fiddler Jimmy Savile! Have they chiseled out his mummified remains and used him as a donor to atone for his years of abuse?
What's this from The Man With The Hand: "It's amazing. It really feels like my hand! I can't wait to get home and touch my kid."
And so the jingle jangle of jewellery begins3...
1 WHY DO GORMSTERS DO THAT? MUSIC VENUES THAT'VE BEEN THERE FOR YEARS, AND SOME MISERABLE OLD FECKERS DECIDES TO MOVE NEXT DOOR, THEN HARANGUE THE COUNCIL COZ OF THE NOISE, AND GET 'EM SHUT DOWN. WHY'D YOU MOVE THERE THEN, YOU SELFISH FUCKER?
2 NOT IN THE AFTERNOON. IN THE NIGHT, WHEN IT'S DARK WITH MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO CHOKE A CHOPPER CHOMPING PROZZIE.
3 BUT XYM, SURELY IN THE CLASSIC 1920'S FRENCH NOVEL BY MAURICE RENAUD, THE TWIST WAS THAT HANDS WERE THE HANDS OF SOMEONE WRONGFULLY CONVICTED, AND THEREFORE STEPHEN ORLAC WAS THE REAL KILLER BLAMING THE SEWN-ON EXTREMITIES OF AN INNOCENT MAN, AND DIDN'T HAVE POSSESSED HANDS AFTER ALL?
LET'S JUST WAIT AND SEE, SHALL WE! IF IT WERE ME I'D GET UP TO ALL SORTS OF STUFF AND BLAME IT ON THE DONATED DIGITS OF DOOM!
"OH, I'M SORRY, DID I INVOLUNTARILY PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE, SLAP YOUR WOMAN'S ARSE AND MASSAGE HER MAMMARIES BEFORE FROTTAGING HER FLANGE WITH MY FINGERS? 'SNOT MY FAULT - THEY'RE NOT MY HANDS, THEY'RE DONATED ORGANS POSSESSED BY THEIR FORMER OWNER, HONEST GUV!"
