LOCK Your Windows!
And prepare for...
(FROM THE EARTH'S CORE. PROBABLY)
See, yesterday morn, as I walked from the car park to Starbucks, I was struck by a screaming headline on one of them there EDP newspaper billboards:
GIANT CANNONBALL SIZE SNAIL ATTACK!
Looks like I must've misread it, for they turned up later as slugs, not snails. And less cannonball, and more cannibal.
The Hills Have Slimes indeed!
Although, I think people are getting needlessly confused with Wallace And Gromit And The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit, as the homeless snails chomp their way through prize winning potato crops, onion tops, chives, broad beans and runner beans. One traumatised victim recounted the horror of his vegetable devastation:
"It was something I had not seen before, and particularly in such large numbers. You could easily find 100 on the lawn. I grow vegetables and when I saw the carrots coming through the whole lot would be gone by morning, like a lawn-mower had gone through and wiped them out."
Poor, poor carrots - a harvest of grub wiped out by an army of giant slugs...
...who can now see in the dark!
Not only that, they've developed a taste for human flesh!
Well, mice.
But it may be mice today, and come the morrow - nomming on mankind!
And now there's a new worry - these are Nazi slugs! Arion Vulgaris, or to de-latinize it, Vulgar Aryans! The Master Race, devolved into ill-mannered molluscs, now intent on raping indigenous slugs to breed a new master race of gastropod Gestapo.
Of course, the Norfolk Greybeards are all in a lather, and are seeking to find ways to control the molluscular menace. However, these so-called Greybeards are, as ever, thick as pigshit.
They claim they need to find these slug's Achille's Heel. Dumbasses. Slugs don't have heels, nor any feet to put them in! They slide along on a bed of mucus, undulating their muscles to traverse their river of slime. And Achilles was Greek, and these are Spanish Slugs, so surely if they were looking for this non-existant heel, they should be looking for Manuel's heel.
Or just get Juan Sheet to mop up the slimetrails...
...oh, wait, that's his job on the ads isn't it? Turn up in tighty matador trousers, wiggle his bum at a housewife as he mops up her spillage, she stands there frothing at the gash...
...and if she were leg disabled, she'd drag herself over the shiny kitchen tiles to the bedroom for fappage, leaving her fanny battered snail trail all over the kitchen floor, leaving Juan Shit to mop up her muck with his singular shite of ringpiece polishing cloth.
And now we has a foot of snow on the ground, where these giant killer slugs can lie in ambush, ready to rear up out of the snow dunes and bite yer face off!
That's it - I demand Britain has a 2nd amendment of the right to bear arms. I'd certainly do a Doctor Moreau, and replace my upper limbs with Gentle Ben's appendages! Imagine being attacked by a horde of slugular menace, and then you go all Grizzly Adams, and whip out yer beclawed hairy paws! Swipe and smite, just like Wolverine!
What was it Shaun Hutson said in his 1982 novel?
Shaun Hutson: Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen! I'm ready, man, check it out. I
am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT wanna
fuck with me. Check it out! Hey Ripley, don't worry. Me and my squad
of ultimate badasses will protect you! Check it out! Independently
targeting particle beam phalanx. Fry half a city with this puppy. We
got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got
sonic the hedhehog ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives,
sharp sticks...
Apone : Knock it off, Hutson. All right, gear up.
Shaun Hutson: Slugs!! They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the
goddamn walls! Well that's great, that's just fuckin' great, man. Now
what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit
now man... That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck
are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do? Hey man, I don't
wanna rain on your parade, but we're not gonna last seventeen hours!
Those slugs are gonna come in here just like they did before. And
they're gonna come in here... and they're gonna come in here AND
THEY'RE GONNA GET US!
 |
| A slug bursts from below and drags Hudson by the finger to his doom (James Cameroon's Alienslug - 1986) This is what we have to look forward to in Norfolk gardens. Killer Slugs with carrot induced night vision eating our privvy parts off! |
