Now, I don't know about Ladies Lavatories, but I'm familiar with our office based so-called "Gents".
It would appear that we need a training manual on how to use a dumpstation correctly, for it seems Some People have no idea how to use a convenience!
I mean, it's not rocket science... is it?
OK, some things can't be helped - the flatulent fug that hits you when you walk into the smallest room is a tad unavoidable. I expect The Pretties have the same problem, but with them Office Slags who douse themselves in a full bottle of perfume so you burn your throat on entry.
And having our Bangaladeshi Brethren bottom burping bhunas and bhajis doesn't help - but, as I say, that's unavoidable.
But actually using the toilet, now that's a different matter!
I'm firmly of the opinion that all blokes, like The Ladies, should be seated during every lavatorical cubicle visit, for most men seem unaware that a toilet is not a urinal.
For on entry to a Gent's cubicle, there is quite often a golden lake pooled upon the seat, the cistern, the walls and the floor, necessitating and initial cleansing through with fudgesmear removal roll. Now, if they were seated, it's easy to angle your dangle down and contain 100% of your bodily fluids into the pan.
But nooo - some men are Men. Manly Men, whose cock must be so huge they don't need to hold it. Lean against the door, coffee in one hand, sxting on their mobile in the other, confident that their schlong will simply balance on the bog rim and flow neatly into the pan.
When in reality it seems to go anywhere but!
And then there's them with the leaky hose. Obviously one furious stream is flowing forth, but simultaneously, there is a secondary dripping from the end of their faulty faucet, resulting in a pool of piddle before the pan (as well as the wall & seat splatter).
And do they mop their mess up?
Do they buggery fuck as like, coz they'z Manly Men, and cleaning bogs is for the missus (once she's got me tea ready before blowing me off for dessert, before I gives her a damn good rogering, innit).
So, us proper Gents come along, and we're faced with a bowl of bangers and mash, surrounded by a bog of eternal stench and a lake of melted yellow snow!
Now, you can give the seat, cistern handle, etc a wipe, and flush away the mans eggs on their nest of rectal wipes1, but then you're faced with the widdle flooded floor.
How can you lower trews for poos, knowing that they could suddenly drop further, and accidentally dip and result in a trouserial gusset dampening with another man's (men's?) bodily fluids? Let alone having your shiny, shiny office suit shoes all eroded and matt because they had to be placed into the pool of pee?
And how do you mop up all the man mess?
With a blanket of arsewipe!
Strips of absorbent tissue placed upon the watery residue to soak it up! More until the top sheets show no wetness!
Of course, people then complain about loo roll on the floor - but who's going to pick up a pile of pissy paper, and get a urinary nail polishing?
Not me!
Anyhoo, if you care not about shiny shoes, you can nudge the sodden mess to one side for the cleaners to hoover up, or pick up with extender clause, or with their latex gloves.
And once you get past the piss barrier, you can deliver a brown baby boy in peace...
...until you notice the smears of spunk up the walls, and the sheer quantity of nasal content.
Honestly, who's fapping at work?. But you can, at a push, understand how they've gone off and unexpectedly besplattered the walls with a surprisingly forceful spurter. Harder to understand why they don't clean it up properly, but that's what happens with ejaculate.
What I can't fathom is why people extricate the contents of the nostrils, and plaster them onto the wall.
There's bog roll right there! If you must pick huge globs of snot out, either eat it, or smear it onto some arsewise, drop it in the pan and flush it away!
I can only assume some people are so paranoid about their Alzheimers onsetting, they fear they may forget smearing snot upon toilet tissue, and end up subsequently wiping their spotty arse with boogey encrusted bumwipes!
Seeing as they invariably forget to make use of the sink before they go back to their desk to infect keyboards with their fæcal fingers, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case!
Honestly - we really do need bog trolls. Enforcers like Juan Sheet. In full matador regalia. Ready with a single absorbent sheet to remove todger based Tsunami spillages.
He can also enforce hand washing, and embarass those who don't by following them out the lavs, singing a jolly Spanish song of mockery and whipping them camply upon the bot with his Juan Sheet 'handkerchief".
or something.
Sometimes I do wonder what Womens Toilets are like, or how much worser they are, what with their tampons and lippy and perfume and hairspray and Febreezing their fishy flanges. Probably. Or not. As the case may be.
1 AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A SHITE TO BE ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN OF BUMWAD? SURELY THAT WOULD INDICATE THEY WIPED FIRST, THEN DROPPED A LOG ON TOP, THEN LEFT WITHOUT A SUBSEQUENT WIPING! OTHERWISE, THE POO WOULD BE UNDER A BLANKET OF BUMWIPE.
