Have you seen the menu on the wall...

Down a tunnel, in a tube¹

On the floor a mass of food

Busy Xym has blown a fuse

Whilst Subway staff look on amused

Eat Fresh? Eat Mess, more like!

You know that advert, where they, like, have quiz shows and vox pops and shit, where they pose the question: "How do Subway create a 6" sub and a drink for just £3?" and the answer is "I don't give a shit, just gimme a meal deal, y'bastard!"

Well, I think they're asking the wrong question.

The question should be: "How the fuck do you eat a 6" Sub without spilling drizzle and salad all over yer nice clean shirt, desk, floor, etc and making a right tit of yerself?"

Coz at the present, I do not know, and I would lurve an advertisement explaining how to eat the lovely lunchtime repast without causing messy overspill resulting in sticky desk, stinky fingers, and besplattered raiment.

See, I restarted (again) The Diet², and thought I'd have a healthy snack. A 6" Spicy Italian with latté³. Salad: Lettuce, tomato, onion & sweetcorn. With Ranch sauce. Nom nom nom natalie portnom.

Now, the problem is how they assemble the salad. A huge handful of greenery, piled higher with additional veg, before a Tsunami of sauce is swamped over. Then, they wrap it tight in paper to stop it falling apart.

So... lunchtime munchtime. Unwrap the roll - and yes, it does seem to be compressed into a manageable meal.

And bite...

...gloppy sauce spurtage everywhere! A veritable waterfall of veg tumbles to the table. Drip, drip, drip goes the sub down your sleeve, and rivulets of Ranch roll down your chin. Capillary action slups sauce up into your 'tashe giving you that bukkake "milk 'tashe" look they like to put on them womens to promote milky goodness. Like Laura trott, Jade Jones and that other paralympian they have on the side of the bus with their (man)milk topped lips indicating they're womens with spunk who overcame the odds.

Or something.

Anyhoo, the same outcome as always.

A well fed Xym, a paper wrapper piled high with contents that escaped devourment with the sub (resultant pile of mess having to be et messily with fingers as they don't supply cutlery), fingers/face/clothes slathered in creamy spunk-looking splatter and eventually resorting to rambling and ranting on yer blog!

So, if they could devote their adverts to denote the most convenient way to cleanly consume their comestibles, I'd be happy. And not covered in slop.

Alternatively, the staff could use common sense and fill the sub in a more ordered fashion that can be put together without exploding like Mr Creosote after a waffer thin mint!

¹ OR, MORE ACCURATELY, DOWN THE HIGH STREET, NOT THE TUBE, AS SUBWAY IS NEVER ON THE SUBWAY. WHICH I RECKON VIOLATES SOME FORM OF TRADING STANDARDS HUMAN RIGHTS, OR SOME SUCH. PROBABLY.

² NO FIZZY THUS FAR! NO CRISPS! NO SAUSAGEY ROLLS, PASTIES, DOUGHNUTS OR CHOCCIE BARS! I'M GOING INTO WITHDRAWAL ALREADY...

³ NOT A SPICY ITALIAN WITH LATTÉ, A SPICY ITALIAN WITH A LATTÉ ON THE SIDE. AS OPPOSED TO HAVING A SPICY ITALIAN ON THE SIDE, SUCH AS THAT ASIA ARGENTO, WHO WOULDN'T GO AMISS. SHE'd BE A MISTRESS. OF MINE. OR SOMETHING.