Pukka pukka pukka pukka Xym ain't there!
Pukka pukka pukka pukka puck right off!
T'other week, our manager booked our team Xmas meal! Whoo-hoo!
Or not Whoo-hoo, as once again, it's another Xmas Menu without a traditional Xmas Roast. :(
He booked Jamie's Italian. Oh well, I'll give it a try. Here's me 10 squid deposit.
So, today, we gets an eMail. When you book a meal at the nudie chef's, you get Terms and Conditions attached wot you have to read though and abide by!
Terms and Conditions just to go and stuff yer great fat face in his poxy restaurant!
And if that wasn't enough, there's conditions on the grub!
First, we have to pre-order our 2 courses. Eh? Whut? It's advertised as "3 courses, mince pies, and a class of Prostitutes". Or something.
Well, I could do without the glass of Promiscuity, but what happened to the THREE courses proffered? Ah...
"please note antipasti planks are based on a sharing basis"
Hold on there cowboy! I'm pro-pasties! What's all this Anti-Pasty malarky. Guess what - the first course is basically Tapas. Shared. On a plank.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers! No-one in their right mind orders Tapas!!
Honestly, when 3 courses are advertised, I wants three courses all to meself. I don't want to share my first course with some greedy fat pig who will take more than their fair share!
Besides - it's unhygenic! I don't want to get Salmonella & Listeria because some unwashed post-toilet fat fiend with fæces filled fingers has fouled the finger food. Especially after picking their nose and wiping snot down their arm, dripping delicacies with disgusting diarrhœa, dysentry and diverse dirty diseases!
And, judging by the office lavatorial wall splatter, man-mayonnaise could well end up being part of the dish... although I suppose I could exclusively share with the Pretties for some inadvertently flange battered apéritifs. Encrusted minge flakes I could take at a push, but not salty cock paste.
And not just bacteria ridden appendages they pollute the provender with - they stick their forks in, and rummage about selecting stuff, further contaminating the platter with their spittle driven illnesses. I want her peas and coleslaw1, not herpes and coldsores!
And certainly not off Jamie Oliver!
If I want E-Coli I can stay at work and use someone's keyboard and pick up eCauliflower from their keys infected by their rancid dung-encrusted digits!
I wants me £10 deposit back :(
Shared AntiPasty planks my best hat...
1 WHICH MAY WELL BE A EUPHAMISM. AND KNOWING THE XYM, IT PROBABLY IS. AND IF IT ISN'T, IT DAMN WELL SHOULD BE!
