Piss on me
'coz of the manky shareprice
'coz of the manky shareprice
Cast me
out on the guttered street
Lift my begging hand
out on the guttered street
Lift my begging hand
Strike up my bonce make the fireflies dance
Silver coins tumbling
Just piss on me..
You know, I think when I get made redundant, I'll get a job as a CEO.
I mean, how hard can it be? The application form must look something like this:
Q: How would you make us more efficient?
a) Invest in Staff
b) Invest in Systems
c) Introduce training for staff on systems
d) Hire more staff to manage the excess workload
e) Make a vast amount of staff redundant to cut costs quickly to improve profits?
And as every new CEO answers E, it can't be that hard, surely!
See, you cut lots of staff, and get in a pickle.
The you cut more staff and outsource, on the basis that outsourcing is somehow cheaper. Unfortunately, the outsource partners cottoned on to this, so to recoup their profits, they hire more staff. The argument goes like this:
CEO: Why have we got X staff? We pay them £amount in salary! Yet an outsourced partner pays the same role 25% less and claim they can do the job! For each person we take off our salary roll, we can get an equivalent person from outsourcing and reduce our budget by a quarter!Outsource Parner: Right, they have one person doing that role? But that's more than a singular role. We need to split that out into 12 individual assignement - that means we can charge them for 12 people instead of 1! And if we drag out our processes to make a 5 minute task take three weeks, we can rake it in!
CEO: Damn that crosswind - looks like I'll be over par on his hole. Did you say I could blag a free holiday, I mean make an essential business trip to the Taj Mahall to review the labyrinthine contracts?
And you end up with a more expensive service and poorer service by untrained people unable to do the role (or who claimed they had no skills in that role).
So, you think: How come we pay all this money to outsource partners, and the service is well below what we used to have? We need to train up out internal stafff again and bring work back in!
And so you outsourced more, and reduce head count again.
And now a backlog builds up. Incompentent outsource partners, and too few experts left to correct the mistakes and keep the work flowing.
CEO: This situation is untenable! Lets take on contractors - get the experts in, short-term, and get this work done!
...later...
CEO: Hold on - how much do contractors cost? HOW MUCH? Right, we'll simplify - we'll make the business Agile and Lean. Get rid of expensive contractors. Cut jobs where we can. Long Term, let's consider hiring more staff! Train up our internal capability, and get back to having an efficient service.
And now, understaffed and overworked. In comes a new CEO. What can we do to improve efficiency? What, projects are being worked on because there's not enough staff to work on them? Backlogs are increasing due to a lack of staff? We're losing business through poor offshore service in call centres and badly coded, delayed IT?
Surely he won't fall into the rookie CEO clone default mode of Cut Jobs! Cut Jobs!
What's he doing? A recruitment drive? More budget for training? Streamlining process to make them efficient?
6% cut in staff!
And because making people redundant isn't cost effective, reduce the redundancy payout! What, 4 weeks per year worked up to a max of 102 weeks? Stuff that - make it 78 weeks max and pay them 24 weeks less! Even better, come December, make it 2 weeks instead of 4, and halve whatever we would have lost out of our profit margin!
Yep - I think I'll move into a CEO role when I gets thrown out - seems a piece of piss to me! Come in, cut staff numbers, get million squid bonus and golden pension, then get a golden handshake as you go off to another CEO role to ruin another company!
