Blimey o' trousers!
What is it with WH Smith?
I thought companies were all Green and environmentally socially aware - instead they're lopping down rainforests to foist a veritable volley of vouchers and broadshits upon the poor hapless shopperells.
Take today, one goes in to purchase one's monthly academic publication concerning space monsters, oversized pussies, foreign stamp duende, and the like. One hands over one's hard earned pennies, and packs away the paranormal pamphlet.
But wait sir - you forgot your receipt! A whole willow* went into that parchment, you must take it!
But wait also - you must take this special offer too! £5 off when you spend a grand on pencils and protractors! Have that too, otherwise a larch died and you're spitting on it's pulped, pressed and printed cadaver!
And where go you think you're going? You've not taken your glossy £35 off when you spend a million squid on half-price bestsellers. A hedge of hawthorne blended with whore's chest-nut tree was pulverised into papyrus just for you! Schoolboys sacrificed the longevity of conkers just so we could offer you this exclusive discunt.
Oi - don't walk out the door, Porky! You forget yer free paper! Clearly we haven't laden you down with enough emergency bumwipe! Please, take today's Times - it's got no phone hacking or tits, but a copse of conifers was corpsed just to inform you of Londinium 2012 and killer immigrants. So if you don't take it, you're a Nazi!
I only wanted to educate myself on the latest swampy lake monster shennanigans and time shift tall tales, and instead I have deforested Norolk.
And I don't mean making cardboard cutouts of Dr "Bones" McCoy and placing them at strategic scarecrow points around the county... although it seems like good scheme to me. Make a roll of arsewipe, dress a babby in a manegerial suit & plant a tree? Stuff that - for every tree chopped down for paper products, erect a life-sized sci-fi cardboard cutout!
Ah, to roam the cuntryside amidst replicas of Aeryn Sun, Talia Winters, River Tam, River Song...
* NOT WILLOW'S HOLE. THAT'S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TYPE OF GENTLEMEN'S RELAXING ART PERUSAL JIZZMAG. BUT NOT THE HOLE OF WILLOW WHOM MADMARTIGEN CALLED PECK. T'OTHER WILLOW - THE ONE OUT OF VAMPIRE SLAYING IN THE BUFF. OR SOMETHING.
