Pumped up with adrenaline after watching F1¹, it's time to get all Monty Don, Alan Titmarch and Ash Williams and assault that wisteria again and deheighten the grassy lawn of moss.
The same non-existent moss that obfuscates the MossMobile?
Perhaps so.
But post-decapitatory dismemberment powertool wieldage from ladderial precipices of a preposterous height, we turn to begin trimming the lawn.
And if you're "trimming the lawn" with a chainsaw, I ain't going near your Jumanji flangey missus!
BUT, whilst parading up and down pushing the mower, suddenly there's a clacketty clack clack from the blade area! Broken blade disaster!
Unless it's a gnome waving one of them clackery things about. You know - them clacky things. Onna stick. Like a rattle. A Rattle, probaly. Or some clackers - them two balls you toss up and down either side of a stick...
Anyhoo, upturnage of the zombie slicer-upper ("Singaia! Sumatran Rat Monkeys — Beware the bite!") revealed relief - undamaged bladery but curious wire presence...
No wire from the mower, no wire anywhere near! Except... the neighbours fence...
Since I trimmed her bush, I can now see her toplessly sunbathing² as her wirelink fence is exposed³... and that fancy fencing is non-to dissimilar to my mower mangled wireframery retrieved from my grassy knoll.
Am I under stalkage by The Neighbour? Has she been at the fencing with her wirecutters, availing herself of entry to my botanical bower and pleasuring herself whilst ogling me through me back window?
It certainly explains the suspiciously broken pot and knocked over gnome by the window!
It would also explain the bird outline on the window. Most people just get wings and a beaky head. I though it was odd that an own had a massive pair of 'hooters'...
¹ WELL, MORE 'SPOSE I'D BETTER GET ON WITH THE GARDENING NOW THAT'S OVWE. AS IT WERE.
² WELL, I WOULD IF SHE DID SUNBATHE TOPLESS. ASSUMING SHE EVEN SUNBATHES IN THE NORFOLK SUN. HOWEVER, WHEN BLUETOOTHING ONCE, IT PICKED UP HER PHONE AS "NAUGHTY NICKY", SO SHE PROBABLY DOES, THE DIRTY TROLLOP! FLASHING HER BAPS ABOUT ALL OVER HER BACK GARDEN INDEED - WHO'D'VE THUNK IT. I'D 'THUNK' THAT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (AND I'M SURE THAT YOU DO!).
³ I'M PRETTY SURE HER EXPOSED CHAINLINK FENCING IS A EUPHAMISM, BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT...
