Jesus Christ, Masterchef...

Legend has it that The Messiah fed 5,000 people on a couple of fishies and 5 packets of Warburtons.

However, it shows just how uncaring The Christ is.

You'd think in 5,000 people, one or two might be vegetarian. But does his kindly catering cater for them? Does it feck as like - it's Tuna Fish sandwhhhhhhiches all round, coz vegitarians all eat fish, coz fish aren't meat.

And what about those allergic to seafood? Or them with wheat intolerance (bloody wheat, bloody gets everywhere)? Hah, there's little mention in The Bible about the Coeliacs scratching their arse with their Itchy Bum Syndrome, or the Scombroids dying in their droves.

Guess he didn't care, coz he could always heal them (for a few Sheckles, of course!).

So, we can Credit Jesus with the first ever Nazarethian Nouvelle Cuisine... unless he'd eMailed the bakery, and got Derek Warburtons lad to make a 'masses loaf' - each one capable of providing 2000 slices.

Although them fishies wouldn't spread very far - guess he topped it up with the sweetcorn out of his Palestinian poo, and whacked off into his loincloth for the mayonaisse with Mary Magdarlin' pleasuring herself with his crudités to get the fannybatter to coat the fish fingers in, ready for the follow up course (which the Vatican edited out of the Bible).

Unless, of course, the fish in question were a bit larger than we're led to believe. Mayhap they were Sperm Whales, which would be a excuse to market his man-mayo. "Sperm Whale Sarnies with Saviour's Spunk!".

And Jesus went up on a mountain, and there He sat with His Disciples, and He said to Philpot: "Where shall we buy bread, that these may eat? For I like my bread fresh, baked on the premises, on the day."

And verily, Phil suggested "Morrissons?"

So they got the FirstDonkey to the Out-Of-Gallilee hypermarket and stocked up on Nimble, and returned to the throng.

And Jesus took the loaves, and when He had checked the sell-by date, he knocked up some Princes Fish Paste sarnies and He distributed them to the disciples, and the disciples to those sitting down.

And many amongst the gathering asked: "But what about us vegans"

And Jesus replied "You fuckers are never satisfied. Here, have a sprout sarnie". And The Lord gave forth his bounty, but realised his error, and replaced the coconut treat with the vegan option, and the vegans bewailed the loss of chocolate.

And the vegans were wrathful, believing that Jesus was trying to pass off sperm whales eyeballs as sprouts, and The Lord replied: "Look, I'm a fuckin' miracle worker, right, so it I say it's a sprout, it's a fuckin' sprout. Now fuck off before I get Judas to give you a good kicking"

And the throng turned upon Him, and called him many names, such as Bastard.

And He could not refute this, for technically his cheating ho of a mother knew God and God begat Jesus. But He tried to bluff it out, recalling that his 'parents' were married, and his Father was a Carpenter.

And the cynical Vegans mocked Him singing .'I'm on top of the world, looking, down on creation' to which Jesus replied ""ha fuckin' ha, like bloody Peter Simon doesn't sing that every fuckin' night before covering me in gunge, and he still thinks it's funny. Bloody gobshite disciples. I really wanna nob that prossie, Mary, but with Matthew, Mark, Luke & John hanging around all the time, trying to get me to join their Boyband, I'll never get her alone. And I hear she goes off like a rocket when you put a finger up her..."

And lo, the meek interrupted the waffling gormster, decrying: "Sorry, best be off - Earths to inherit, and all that. See ya!"

And He turned to His disciples, saying "Gather up the fragments that remain, so that nothing is lost. We can flog this lot down the Camel Boot! Lovely Jubbly"

And James, Son of Zebedee, lustily nudged The Lord, saying "Cor, that Florence ain't half got a pair of lovely jubblies, know what I mean! Sod the Camel Boot, I'm off to explore her Camel Toe."

Therefore they gathered up the fragments, and filled twelve bio-degradable Bags-For-Life with the fragments of the tuna sarnies which were left over by those who had eaten. Then those men, when they had seen the sign that Jesus did, said, 'This is truly the profit who is come into the world.', for the sign said "Sperm Whale Sarnies with Saviour's Spunk. £3.60 (or spend an extra £1.40 for a value meal with Christ Blood flavour Coke and a bag of crisps:. Christ Chips - His body in a bag - foil packed for freshness!")

Why oh why do the Vatican insist on taking all these best bits out!