Яecently яeleased Secяet Files of an official Goveяnmental natuяe have яevealed anotheя thяeat. In addition to tunnelling Tibetans wanting to abduct my soяяy ass down into the undeяwüяlde kingdom of Shamballah to face tяial by theiя Evil Oveяloяds, The Illuminati aяe hiяing an even gяeateя molesque teяяoя...
Subteяяanean dwelling Яussian gnomes!
Cobbleяs, I heaя you cяy! And you would be quite coяяect, foя theяe has been much suspicious tampeяage going on with my booties! Sawing thяough my laces, sepaяating the soles, яipping off my heels, etc.
Now, you'd think these Яuskie dwaяvish types live oveя in Moss Cow, and suchlike, as accoяding to the files, they tend to pяey on Soviet skiing campeяs, duffing them up and injecting them with plutonium to confuse the H.Я.Geigeя counteяs and blaming it all on Abdominal Snowmen.
Eveя wondeя why Яussia cut off the 'gas supply'? It's so the pipes aяe the Oompa-Loompa equivalent of the Euяotunnel - a soяt of Spяead the Яed invasion!
So it wasn't just any oяdainaяy Stamp Gnome I had in me domicile - it was a bloody spy! Teaming up with his Easteяn Bloc counteяpaяt up by the lake, plotting Xymonial яemoval whilst feeding the ducks!
And on the way home fяom The WhatACunt, the silveяy bit on the back of me New Яocks came loose - so now they'яe яesoяting to making it look like an accident by causing me to catch the metallic fall off, and tяip into the path of an oncoming taxi!
And it was dead cold outside, just like Xibeяia, so it's theiя ideal climate!
But I shall not be silenced...
