What's this? A festive flyer festooning the floor? A decorative pizza menu crying out "Season's Greetings" - emblazoned with ribbons, snow, stars and christmas tree baubles!
So clearly it's Lent!
Ah, yes. Tomorrow is the last day you can get lemon scented Syph*, because you have to give up rampant rogering for 40 days, and then you can eat lots of chocolate.
Or something.
See, this is where I'm torn with religion. On the one hand, it's rabid mumbo-jumbo for mental folk, but on the other, it's the law to stuff yer chops full of grub this weekend!
Egg Saturday - where you have to scoff loads of eggs. Scrambled, poached, fried, cadbury's creme - I don't think it matters.
Quinquagesima Sunday - dunno what that means, but it's an anagram of Singe Aqua Quim - so you probably have to take a lighter to some birds pubes before dousing the flames with a bottle of water and supping from the hairycup.
Collop Monday - the best one! Bacon and eggs all day long! Yay! A biblical excuse for literally an all day breakfast!
Shrove Tuesday - Where you take all the food in the house and put it all into pancakes. Fish finger pancakes, Scotch Broth pancakes, Findus Crispy Pancakes, etc
And then, it all breaks down, for it's Ash Wednesday, where you have to pop down the local boozer and pour the dregs of the counterside glasses into the ashtrays and guzzle the remains of fags. But, thanks to the smoking ban, a lot of devout Christians will go to Hell, as they cannot obtain any ashes to eat. Unless they have an open fire, but that probably reminds them of the Eternal Fires Of Damnation, so instead they usually have radiators. Perhaps they keep creamated relatives in an urn they bring out each year. A spoonful of Aunty Mildred to ensure their entry through the Heavenly LadyPearly Gates.
Of course, I'm joking! Ash Wednesday is in celebration of Ash from Evil Dead III, where he went back in time and got a mention in the Bible (proof indeed that the Vatican are witholding vital pages!!).
And then you can't eat for 40 days. BUT WAIT! I hear you cry - there are 47 days from Ash Wednesday until Easter Sunday! A-ha - Sundays are exempt from Lent, as they're a day of celebration and resurrection!
Which means whatever you give up for Lent, you can indulge in excess on a Sunday! And as it's 40 days, not 40 days and 40 nights, you can legitimately fill up yer evenings in wanton debauchery! But come the daybreak - it's back to not having any!
Until you get to Easter Sunday, and celebrate the Stone Roses hit "I Am The Resurrection" by gorging on chocolate eggs.
Although some Christians regularly break the 40 day rule 3 days early on Good Friday, by scoffing buns with crosses on the top, in celebration of the torturous crucifiction of Christ...
...which is a bit like marking Diana 'Queen Of Tarts' Spencer's death by the whole nation eating cakes decorated with a squashed marzipan Mercedes on top...
...but not on top of Malachi (Who wants an HIV Eostre?)
* FORMERLY KNOWN AS JIF, BUT THE EU RULED THAT JIF WAS RATHER RUDE IN FOREIGN LANDS, AND THEY RENAMED IT TO SOMETHING LESS NAUGHTY AND UNRELATED TO SEXUAL CONGRESS...
