Now, as far as I was aware, you were supposed to throw Christians to the lions, not name the beasties after them!
Anyhew, straight from the pages of Hello! type reporting, some dozy mare bought a lion cub from Harrods (apparently, Mohammed Al Fathead has been raising a pride to unleash upon the Windswords for murdering his dodo). Being posh and full of cash, and therefore thick as pigshit, the gormstress took it back to her flat.
A flat! The ideal place to raise man eating jungle/savannah carniverous clarences*!
In the jungle, the concrete jungle
the lion sleeps tonight
until you go for a drink in the middle of the night and
step on his tail and get eaten to death...
So, it got too big & fat on scoffing chavvy flat vandals, so they bunged it off to a wildlife preserve to preserve their purchases. And save them from Claude**.
And so passes 30 year, and they suddenly realise they've missed poor ickle Chris, so a trip to the zoo is called for.
And as they reach the windswept landscape, they gently call out his name, and he tears out of the shrub, all gnashing and wailing, and oh the terrible, terrible teeths! He comes to a halt in front of hs owners...
...then stands up and gives 'em a hug!
A hug?!?! What, is it a bloke in a suit, masquerading in oversized feline form? Lions don't hug people, they bite peoples heads off and Darth up their arms! Mayhap it was some pervy bloke in funfur***, getting a good old grope and hoping no-one notices his 'tail' hanging out.
Good job it were born in 1968 - it if were a 90s cub, it'd be all high-fives and bitchslappin', before legging it with your mowbli and taking yer missus off to become part of his pride. Gay Pride, Home Pride, and yet
another BBC remake of Pride and Prejudice.
An' suchlike...
* AND NOT THE GORMSTER DOING THE SPIN FOR THE MCSCAMS, MR "OOOH WE HATE PEOPLE MAKING MONEY USING HER NAME TO HELP MISSING KIDS WHEREAS I MAKE £50K A YEAR SPONGING OFF THE PARENTS WHO REFUSE TO ACTUALLY SEARCH UNLESS THEY GET A FREE JOLLY IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION TO ANY SIGHTINGS"... GRRRRRRR!
** CLAUDE BUTTOCKS, CONTROLLER OF THE SKY NOZZLE. SEE THE MOST AMAZING MAN WHO EVER LIVED.
*** APPARENTLY, THERE WAS SOME FESTIVAL ON SUNDAY. THE FURRY FUNFUR, A DEDICATION TO ALL THINGS OF LIME GREEN WITH DANGLY FURRY BITS. OR BRIGHT BLUE. OR SOMETHING.
