Blimey, we sort out universal harmony in Northern Ireland, but it was only a matter of time before another evil terrorist group stepped up to the oche and it's not them Irish lads either!
'twould appear that the IRA has been supplanted by the DAI... Dai Jones and his mining brethren, that is!
Yes, The Welsh, fed up with Holiday Home Purchasing English and not being allowed to have the English Language banished from Cymru*, have begun their Campaign of Terror!
Now, the IRA were all bombs and suchlike, but The Welsh are a bit more countrified. In fact, their Weapons of Mass Destruction appear to have been inspired by re-runs of Jon Pertwee's Dr Who. In particular, the now legendary Welsh mining horror "The Green Death"!
But instead of killer maggots on the prowl, the rarebit munching Welshies have bred something far, far worse...
Killer flesh eating slugs!
The Press have christened it The Ghost Slug because it's a pure white cephalopod (or mollusc, if you prefer).
Also, because The Welsh call it "Selenochlamys Ysbryda", and Ysbryda is welsh for ghost, but the press, being English, couldn't be arsed to figure out what Selenochlamys** means. But it's only welsh, so who cares!
Now, if one of these Killer Slugs is seen in Norfolk, we're supposed to report it to the "National Museum in Cardiff"... O-ho! National Museum my arse! And Cardiff? Sounds suspiciously like a front for Touchcloth if you ask me! Another excuse to get in a load of birds for Capn Jack to flirt over whilst nobbing Ianto up the arse!
But methinks it's too late, for they've already been seen devouring worms at Alby (near Aylsham), where the local girls were revolted by the horrible confrontation as it chomped away with it's razor blade smile, gnashing and tearing and feasting on unfortunate aminals.
On the plus side, at least the blooms are safe... unless the murderous molluscs fancy a side salad whilst chowing down on human limbs.
Apparently, the best way to get rid of genetically modified bio-technology chemical warfared up sluggery is to follow the lead of the Winchester boys, and encase yourself in a circle of salt to stop them biting your head off.
Alternatively, the Greybeards suggest a 'beer trap'... which seems a bit risky to me! After all, with psychotic serial killing cannibalistic slugs on the prowl, how much worse will they be with a few sips of Special Brew inside? They'd be CCTV'd on Booze Britain, flashing their bits and trying to get off with the English slugs, happy slapping the Ladybugs and duffing up the Snails and nicking the mobile phones out of their shells.
Slugs on ASBOs.Where will it end? The Welsh send in a slug army, The English respond with killer cromer crabs, and the scotch wade in with Hannibal "The Cannibal" Haggis with murder in their black hearts. and liver. and offal. and pig bladder. Then where are we?
Cross-breeding Leeks and Triffids in the deepest of mines, and sending out the walking veg to wreak revenge upon mankind, until after incessant escargo escalation...
...the world is ruled by one giant sprout...
Night of the Living Dead?
Dawn of the Dead?
Day of the Dead?
Land of the dead?
Diary of the Dead?
WORLD OF THE VEG!!!!!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Say it isn't true!!
Oh, but it is.....
* PROBABLY BECAUSE YOUR GENERAL WELSH GORMSTER CAN'T READ PROPER - HE'LL WRITE CYMRU, BUT PRONOUNCE IT CUMRY, DYSLEXSIC FOOLS THAT THEY ARE! IF IT'S PRONOUNCED CUMRY, THEN BLOODY WELL PUT THE Y AND THE U THE RIGHT WAY ROUND FOR FECKS SAKE! NO WONDER ANNE ROBINSON THINKS YOU'RE THE WEAKEST NATION!
** MOLLUSC. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MOLLUSC-UDGDEN, FOR I DOUBT ANYONE WANTS TO TAKE HER UP ON HER OFFER TO STROKE HER SLIMY PUSSY...
