Cinemas are a mine of annoyances when trying to watch a movie.
We're all familiar with the rustle of sweeties, the slurp of straws, the phone on vibrate so no-one gets annoyed if it goes off but pisses everyone off when you open it and a bright lite shines as the gormster sits there texting...
But even worse is the rhythmic pounding just somewhere off to the right. Is it someone a-tapping their feet? Tapping their fingers on the chair arm? Hmmmm.. it's only when Arwen is on screen...
So you can't concentrate on the movie, as you get more and more convinced that the appearance of the Tyler matching the resumption of beating is trousererial fiddlement going on! You daren't look to even give a scowl at the masturbatory fiend in case he's got his nob out!!
But even worse than the paranoia of a tosser tossing his todger alongside you, is so called 'tough' guys squealing like pigs in terror!
The Strangers is one of them films where nothing much happens, but does do a good build up of tension and suspense - somewhat ruined by unoriginal setups you can see coming a mile off.
However, the sight of Sackhead walking through a doorway and standing there had the burly beefcakes shitting their knickers! "ofuckofuckofuckofuckshitshitshit" they were going. For fucks sake - NOTHING'S HAPPENING! A bloke has walked into a room and just stood there.
Which is another let down of the movie. Imagine, you're being terrorised all night long by bemasked (possibly ghostly) maurauders. They keep getting into the house! Your life is in peril! Oh, what to do?
Might be an idea to lock any doors and windows, you would think!
Nah - keep popping outside, leaving doors & windows either wide open or unlocked, and keep taking unnecessary detours through the woods for no reason! And making as much noise as possible to announce where you are. Jesus. Door - car straight ahead. Why go off through the foresty bit where you just know someone might be hiding, crashing and a-whimpering all the way?
Thick as pigshit, these 'victims'. Honestly, give them a 'hidden' gun (oh, and I'm sure no-one saw that coming!) and what do they do? Upstairs room and pick off their assailants one by one from the window? Get into the loftspace and fend off their pursuers from there?
Nah, charge about willy nilly with it. And then go off into the forest for no reason.
As you do.
Meanwhile, the aroma of pants seeping with faeces arises from the behinds of those behind, as they soil themselves once more as the asthmatic stalker gives away his location with his wheezy breathing.
And when the movie ends, Mr Butch and his chums pronounce a verdict on the movie:
"I fort I wud be, like, not bovvered, coz I'm, like, ded hard, me, but it, like, really shit me up"
"Nyah Nyah Nyah - you sed u wur ded hard!"
Still, I wouldn't have minded being terrorised by a dark haired dollface pretty...
I'm a-leaving me doors unlocked from now on!
