Due to Chineseland being extra speedy upon deliverance, I had the special impromptu pleasure of adorning Pretties with fancy fashionista accoutrements.
However, Sleeping Beauty subjected us to narcoleptic visual entertainment of preposterous nonsense.
Shuffling shamblers of the resuscitated deceased is normally one of them Entertainments you hear about, but following the endless tedium of Colon meandering about for ages with nowt happening makes 94mins seem like 94years!
After 55mins of slow dullness, we stuck it on Fast Forward at 2x speed... and even at twice the speed it's painfully, painfully slow.
And what is it with reanimatory hordes? Gormsters let them into parties, and yet they can be held at bay at the bottom of the stairs by holding a couple of milk pans in front of you!
I know fairies are afeared of Iron, but I was unaware that Zombies suffered from Panophobia!
Although Panophobia is not a fear of pans. It's a fear of everything. As is pantophobia, which is neither a fear of pants or the cry of "it's behind you". That's Paranoia. There really should be a technical term for an irrational fear of pans wielded by a porker gormster. But if there is, I don't know what it is, and I'm dead clever I am.
Anyhoo, bereft of pans, slight flailing of the arms appears to keep the brainmunchers at bay. Unfortunately not at Michael Bay, who's had his brain et by Zombies ages ago (how else do you explain Transformers II?).
And after keeping them at bay with some ludicrous waving, naturally the only way to get et is to try and storm through the horde... and inevitable fall slowly backwards as they descend over you to gobble yer guts.
And don't even get me started on ye olde Catapult Of Doom (with currency based ammunition. Ah, that's where the £45 spent on the movie went!)
And then there's the mahoosive plot hole... unless there's deleted scenes of temporal displacement with the chronological traversement and paradoxial infection.
The Dragosani effect! Sister infects missus who infects her colon, who in turn later meets his uninfected missus (who's thrown into a zombie sex cellar to become a new necropheliac pleasurecorpse), and his uninfected sister whom he bites, until she turns all dead and groany.
And then he goes home, and somehow, the zombie sister goes into the past to begin the cycle again (at the
same time the pre-zombie missus presumably jumps into the future for a bit).
All that for a pair of Respect My Authoritah shades with damn girlie patterning upon the frame.
