Postman Twat
Postman Twat
Postman Twat and his black & white stripey jumper
With a gimpy eyemask
And a postbag with Royal Mail crossed out and SWAG written on top
OK, so I get's the now legendary "You were out, trek out to the Wastelands of Roundtree Way to get your package"... even though I wasn't expecting one! Well, at least nothing that wouldn't fit in me letterbox.
So I expends liquid money in fuel terms getting up there, only to find Dozy Counter Wench can't find me package (oo-er!!). So, she disappears to talk to her manager (who's away at the moment).
A-ha! They can use the reference number on the card to look it up on the pewter. Oh, Postie Plod didn't fill it in. Hmmmm. Which postie was it, he should have writ it by the route number! We can ask him what he did with that days mail. Oh, he's left his name blank. Double Hmmmmm.!!!!!
Not to worry, she can look him up on the rota, then give him a bell! Sorted! Ah, no, he's gone AWOL*. MEGA HMMMMMMM!!!!!!
Absconded! With all my delivery goods! OK, I know things are tight with the credit crunch**, but making off with my purchases (or gifts from my many {imaginary} admirers) is beyond belief! Why, it could have contained a cross like medallion with curious markings, and he could become a tortured soul with an oversized bonce, obsessed with joining the shoal, and waging war on the makers of arrows.
You know what, I reckon that my stamp gnome has diversified into the realms of pixie postage! Not satisfied I outed him for the hoarding of stamps, he's moved out of the house and taking his pilfering pleasures onto a wider platform!!
He held onto my watch for a whole week last week, the little bugger. Now I'll never know what my package was. And if they do find it, I'll not know what time to pick it up, for today, whilst inquisitioning the postmistress, he made off with me watch yet again!
Not only that, he cast his Evil Spell on me in the city, causing me to eject bright blue fairy phlegm from within.
And in this heat, sitting on a bus, splattered with spew, ponging of puke, with a barf scented beard, is not the most pleasant way to journey home.
I just hope his sickly spell wears off in time for me to get ready to go down The Golden Star*** tonight.
* ABSENT WITHOUT OFFICIAL LEAVE. THERE ARE GORMSTERS OUT THERE WHO THINK AWOL MEAN ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE, FORGETTING THAT THERE IS NOTHING LEFT FOR THE LETTER O, AS WITHOUT IS ALL ONE WORD. ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE IS AWL, AS YOU'RE ABSENT WITHOUT LEAVE, BUT MANAGEMENT ARE AWARE OF ANY MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES. AWOL MEANS YOU'VE GONE OFF, AND NO-ONE KNOWS WHY.
** A BREAKFAST CEREAL, I DO BELIEVE
*** A CHINESE RESTAURANT BY THE SOUNDS OF IT. BUT IT'S NOT. IT'S A TOOTHPASTEY PUB.
