Thus sayeth the foul mouthed (and yet deceased) Roger Mellie, the Jazz Singer*.
Although, he seems to have gotten in somewhat wide of the mark, for I partook of Cupboard Jelly t'other night, and it was a most unstable fruity treat.
Solidification to a certain consistency is what is required of this most important consituent of trifles, but when the Jelly just can't be arsed to retain it's own rigidity, then the world is a poorer place for it.
There's nowt worse than being served up a quivering mass of wobbly gelatine... as them Indians found out when they switched on Indian Pig Botherer to find Jade Goody basking like a beached mass of blubber in the garden**.
And just why do them Americans insist on calling Jam 'Jelly' and Jelly 'Jell-o'? What do they call Jam - not a preserve, for that's a big Nature Park, where they send stupid people to live in huts in the woody bits, where gormsters bung on caped and cowskulls to go a-diving into spike pits***.
When I get offered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I expect crunchy beige goo topped with transluscent Rowntree fruity flavoured gelatine.
It's made from hooves, you know!
* NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE JIZZ SINGER, BEING THAT HOLLY JOHNSON AND HIS NOW LEGENDARY 'RELAX' HIT SINGLE...
** YEAH, LIKE ANYONE'S GOING TO GO TO ANOTHER COUNTRY TO STAR IN PIG BOTHERER WHEN YOUR TEST RESULTS ARE DUE IN TO SEE IF YOU GOT CANCER. IT'S ALL A PUBLICITY STUNT - ALL THE THICK TROUT NEEDED TO DO WAS TO TURN TO RUSSELL GRANT'S COLUMN, LOOK AT WHERE HER BIRTHDATE FALLS, AND GET HER STARSIGN. SIGN OF THE CRABS. 'NUFF SAID...
*** NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH SPIKE'S 'PITS, FOR EM KNIGHT CHARLATAN MADE NO MENTION OF UNDERARM SHENNANIGANS.... ALTHOUGH THE FILM IN QUESTION WAS AKIN TO DIVING INTO NENA'S PITS, AFTER A VIGEROUS PERFORMANCE OF 99 LUFTBALON. STILL, NOT AS BAD AS 'THE HAPPENING', WHICH WAS MORE AKIN TO DIVING INTO BETH DITKO'S HAIRY ARSE AFTER A LUMBERING ACROSS THE GLASTONBURY STAGE ON A HOT DAY AND NOT WIPING HER BOMB BAY DOORS COZ THERE'S NO BOG PAPER IN THE PORTALOOS.
