Yay! I received my Mystical Charm last night, all spelled up and ready to attract the Ladies!
Ladies of a chubby chavster stuff-yer-face-full-of-Krabby-Patty types it would seem, for The Charm* has been doused with the essence of Burger Bar**!
And it works too! Strolling around the city, I've never had so many Pretties smile at me - or even shyly saying "Hi" on their way past. Although, somewhat disconcertingly, it prompted those of a similar gender to mine to engage in random chitchat, rather than the usual nod-of-heads-in-passing.
On the downside, the scent of burger bar is wearing off, and being replaced by the the aroma of fat mans belly, so methinks I shall have to pop into Banana's Festival and stock up on them there essential oils.
Essential oils? Just how essential are these oils, for I'm got through many a year without having to purchase any! No wonder I'm a sad, fat, lonely old miseryarse, for I've clearly missed out on the essentialness of oils!
But what exactly is an essential oil? Crude oil? Vegetable oil? Ah, of course! Vegetable Oil - Burger Bar! I haven't missed out on the essentiality at all! Hot melted lard - now THERE'S an essential oil for you!!!
Apparently, to get all the benefits of the healing powers of crystals, you need to coat your rocks in oils and give them a damn good rubbing. Trouble is, I tried it in The Marquee, and apparently, I looked "somewhat sinister". So, all the benefits of this love attracting crystal is offset by the sight of a lardy porkbucket rubbing his rocks and leering at the ladies.
So no change there then!
* "SO, YOU RECKON THAT'S THE CHARM, DO YOU?"
- "YES"
"WELL, I HAVE TO SAY, IT LOOKS - TO ME - LIKE, UH, HALF A BRICK"
- "NOT REALLY. WELL. A BIT. MAYBE."
"IT IS HALF A BRICK, ISN'T IT?"
- "ER....."
"WELL, GOOD TRY. THANK YOU FOR COMING. NEXT!"
- "THE CHARM."
"NO... THAT'S ACTUALLY A CHICKEN..."
- "THE CHARM!"
"I KNOW THIS MUST BE VERY PAINFUL FOR YOU, BUT... CHICKEN."
- "SQUARK! I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL HIM. HE JUST DOESN'T LISTEN!"
** FOR FUCKS SAKE XYMON! FOR THE LAST TIME, IT'S BERGERMOT, NOT BURGER BAR! <-- READERS VOICE - WELL, EXASPERATED VOICE OF JOOLZ)
